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THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 

GIFT  OF 


Ca" 


■  i  "^tate  Library 


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leg 
tak 
sliu 
son 
bra 

ben — 

and  before  the  Controller  shall  issue  his  wan-ant  in  favor 
of  any  member  or  ofHcer  of  the  Legislature,  or  of  this 
State,  for  his  per  diem,  allowance,  or  salary,  he  shall  be 
satisfied  tliat  such  member  or  ofHcer  has  returned  all 
books  taken  out  of  the  Library  by  liim,  and  has  settled 
all  accounts  for  injuring  such  books  or  otherwise. 

Sec.  15.  IJooks  may  be  taken  from  the  Library  by  the 
members  of  the  Legislature  and  its  officers  during  the 
session  of  the  same,  and  at  any  time  by  the  Govei'nor  and 
the  officers  of  the  Executive  Department  of  this  State, 
who  are  reqiiired  to  keep  their  offices  at  the  seat  of 
government,  tlie  Justices  of  the  Supreme  Court,  the  At-  : 
torney-General  and  the  Trustees  of  the  Library. 


/^' 


^- 


Kingsbury  Sketches. 


A  TRUTHFOL  AND  SDCCINCT  ACCODHT 


or 


The  Doings  and  Misdoings  of  the  Inhabitants 


OS" 


PINE    GROVE; 
Their  Private  Trials  and  Public  Tribulations. 


% 

JOHN  H.  KINGSBURY.      'mU, 


** 


^ 


NEW    YORK: 

G.  W.  Carlcton  &-   Co.,  Publishers. 

MDCCCLXXV. 


COPTBIGHT,   1875,   BY 

G.    W.    CAELETON    &    CO. 


John  F.  Trow  &  Son, 

Printers  and  Bookbinders, 

205-213  East  i2t/i  Si., 

NEW   YORK. 


W(f 


THE     FIRST     ABLE-BODIED     PURCHASER, 
THIS  INSTROCTITE 

AND  VALUABLE  VOLUME 

IS 

ARTFULLY     DEDICATED, 

EST    THE    FOND  HOPE 

THAT     THE     AFORESAID, 

BEING    MUCH    CHEERED  BY   ITS  PERUSAL, 

WILL,    IN   CONSEQUENCE, 

IMPART   TO  ALL  HIS  FRIENDS  AND  NEIGHBORS — 

INCLUDING   INDIANS  NOT   TAXED,  AND  OTHER  STRANGERS— 

HIS  NEW  DELIGHT  ; 

THEREBY  AROUSING   THEIR   CURIOSITY 

TO  SUCH  AN  EXTENT, 

THAT   THEY,   BEJOMING  PURCHASERS, 

WILL   INCREASE   THEIR   STORE   OP 

USELESS   KNOWLEDGE 

AND   INFLATE  THE   CURRENCY 

OP 


THE   AUTHOR. 


83S7.1.0 


A    PEELIMINAEY   UTTERANCE. 

.r 

T  is  usually  the  custom  of  ardent,  as  well 
^^  as  temperate  friends,  to  become  apologists 
for  an  author  when  first  he  appears  before 
the  public  in  the  character  of  a  literary  acrobat. 
In  this  instance,  however,  the  writer  proposes  to 
deal  with  the  matter  in  person,  and  to  take  his 
life  in  his  own  hands. 

The  following  articles,  having  led  a  somewhat 
vagrant  life  in  the  newspapers  in  days  gone  by, 
have  at  last  been  gathered  together  in  a  con- 
densed and  readable  form,  and  are  now  ofiered 
for  sale  at  the  lowest  price  consistent  with  a  large 
profit.  Many  of  these  vagabonds  have  been  re- 
formed, and  intend  to  lead  a  new  life ;  others 
placed  hi  a  state  of  probation,  and  some  totally 
annihilated. 

The  Pine  Grove  Letters  were  originally  written 
in  the  attempt  to  reform  the  world  ;  but  the  sub- 


Vlll  A   PKELIMENAEY   UTTEKANCE. 

ject  and  the  author  becoming  simultaneously  ex- 
hausted, and  the  world,  to  all  appearance,  still 
proceeding  in  the  same  destructive  course,  they 
were  regretfully  abandoned,  and  the  disgusted 
intellectual  architect  sought  other  fields  and  pas- 
tures new. 

Should  these  sketches  succeed  in  making  two 
laughs  grow  where  only  a  single  grin  heretofore 
existed,  the  author  would  be  pleased  to  ascertain 
the  fact  at  an  early  period.  He  would  like  to  be 
rejoiced  in  this  manner  exceedingly,  and  would 
feel  that  he  had  not  lived  and  lied  in  vain. 

Bkockport,  N.  Y.,  August  1, 1875. 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

LETTER  L 

An  Independent  Day,  and  a  Celebrated  Proceeding 13 

LETTER  n. 

Donation  Party^What  was  Paid  and  what  was  Played — More 

Fun  than  Funds 18 

LETTER    ni. 

Life  Record  of  a  Wonderful  Man — Ingenuity  God-father  of 
Invention — Necessity  in  the  Role  of  Leading  Lady 33 

LETTER    IV. 

Apology — The  True  Inwardness  of  a  Sewing  Society — General 

Information 38 

LETTER  V. 

A  Beastly  Affair — Consultation  of  the  Innocents — Dogmatic 

Exhibition  of  Canine  Sagacity 33 

LETTER    VL 

Great  Unmatched  Game  of  Base  Ball — The  Basest  I  ever  saw 

Played 37 

LETTER  Vn. 
In  which  Parson  Wilks  is  delivered  of  a  Sermon 43 

LETTER  Vm. 

The  Sunday-school  Picnic — Proving  that  the  Ways  of  Some 
People  are  past  finding  out 47 

LETTER    IX. 

Wherein  is  narrated  a  Remarkable  Occurrence,  unlikely  to 
Happen  on  a  Second  Occasion 53 


X  _^  CONTENTS. 

LETTER  X. 

Proves  that  although  Music,  under  Certain  Favorable  Con- 
ditions, may  have  suflficifiut  Charms  to  soothe  the  Breasts 
of  Savages,  yet  on  Api)lication  of  the  Principle  to  the 
"White  Man,  a  different  Order  of  Things  is  likely  to  exist.     66 

LETTER    XI. 
The  same  old  Stoiy— Yokes  still  in  Fashion 73 

LETTER  XIL 
A  Display  of  Patriotism — The  Singer  Machine  the  Best 77 

LETTER  Xin. 
Arts  and  Hands — A  Series  of  Prize  Essays Bl 

LETTER  XIV. 

Political.     Klinker  comes  to  the  Surface  wholly  undismayed.     92 

LETTER  XV. 
An  Earthquake  in  which  Everybody  is  shocked 08 

LETTER   XVL 

An  Attack  of  Inspiration— A  Missionary  Man  puts  in  a  decided 
Appearance— Demonstrates  to  a  nicety  that  People  bereft 
of  lilyesight  cannot  determine  whether  Ail  that  Glitters  is 
or  is  not  Gold 103 

LETTER  XVII. 
Another  Batch  of  Literary  Crudities 106 

LETTER    XVIII. 

Inclines  to  the  Poetical,  but  grimly  subsides  into  the  Practical.  121 

LETTER  XIX. 
A  Day  of  Feasting — Appropriate  Ceremonies 125 

LETTER  XX. 

The  Present  Day — Uprising  of  tlie  People 130 

LETTER  XXI. 

Grand  Opening  for  Moral  Fashions  of  a  New  Life,  incidentally 
showing  that  sometimes  there  is  no  Slip  whatever  'twixt 
the  Cup  and  the  Lip 137 

LETTER  XXIL 
An  awful  State  of  Affairs 143 


CONTENTS.  XI 

LETTER  XXin. 

In  which  the  Author  puts  in  a  Defence,  and  utterly  demolishes 
the  Bad  Character  which  had  been  given  Him 148 

LETTER  XXIV. 
The  Bane  of  Civilizatiou 154 

LETTER  XXV. 
A  veracious  History  of  a  Search  after  the  Unfathomable ....  161 

LETTER    XXVL 

Somewhat  Gastronomical — Relates  how  Deacon  Amory  lost 

all  taste  for  the  Fine  Arts  and  Everything  Else 170 

LETTER  XXVn. 

Wherein  is  revealed  an  Intellectual  Skeleton  ia  the  House  oc- 
cupied by  the  Worthy  Author 178 

LETTER  XXVni 

Meeting  of  the  Association  for  the  Cultivation  of  ^Esthetics. .  183 

LETTER  XXIX. 

An  unexpected  Departure — What  may  be  expected  of  People 

who  misbehave 190 

LETTER  XXX. 
In  honor  of  the  Nativity  of  one  George 195 

LETTER    XXXL 

A  remarkable  Clerical  Performance — It  never  before  oc- 
curred, and  never  will  happen  again 202 

LETTER  XXXH. 

An  Account  of  an  Election  wherein  Foreordination  is  some- 
what conspicuous 209 

LETTER  XXXIII. 

About  the  Weather,  and  what  Injurj'  it  can  do  in  the  way  of 

Inspiration 215 

LETTER  XXXIV. 
Incidents  and  Accidents 220 

LETTER  XXXV. 

Our  correspondent  increases  his  Grocery  Store  of  Useful 
Knowledge,  and  after  learning  all  he  cares  to,  seeks  the 
Shades  of  his  Home  somewhat  surreptitiously 235 


XU  CONTENTS. 

LETTER  XXXVI. 
Auscultatory  Unfortunates  and  another  Unfortunate 231 

LETTER  XXXVIL 
What  happened  in  Pine  Grove  at  the  Feast  of  St.  Momus. . ,  243 

LETTER   XXXVni. 

Clearly  di'monstrates  that  Two  or  even  Three  Heads  are  not 
better  than  one,  and  contains  a  Financial  Transaction 
somewhat  disreputable 24? 

LETTER  XXXIX. 

Wonderful  Combination  of  Talent,  and  Extraordinary  Exhi- 
bition of  Musical  Genius 253 

LETTER  XL. 
The  Author  as  a  Prime  Evil  Granger 257 

LETTER  XLL 
Organization  of  the  Pine  Grove  Ku-Kluckers 361 

LETTER  XLH. 
The  Author  under  the  Weather 267 

LETTER   XLIII. 

Our  Correspondent  maketh  an  Enemy,  and  discourseth  to  ye 

many  Friends 271 

LETTER  XLIV. 

Wherein  is  briefly  described  an  Occurrence  which  can  happen 
only  once  a  year,  and  wherein  is  also  narrated  a  Perform- 
ance that  can  occur  at  ajiy  time,  but  probably  will  not. . .  376 

LETTER  XLV. 

The  Semi-Centennial  of  Thomas  Jones,  Esq.,  with  all  the  ac- 
companying Festivities  pertaining  thereto 280 

LETTER   XLVI. 
My  Novel ;  or,  Varieties  in  Pine  Grove  Life 285 


PINE   GROVE   LETTERS. 


LETTER  I. 

AN  INDEPENDENT  DAT  AND  A  CELEBRATED  PEO- 

CEEDING. 

Pine  Grove,  N.  T.,  July  5. 

'  JL  S  we  liad  a  regular  time  here  yesterday ; 
^f  some  of  our  people  wished  rae  to  write 
you  a  few  lines,  and  let  you  know  what 
Fourth  of  July  means  out  this  way.  Having 
had  no  regular  celebration  for  many  years,  we 
determined  to  have  one,  and  a  committee  was 
appointed  to  collect  funds  and  such  like.  Tommy 
Jones,  the  tavern-keeper,  the  principal  man  in  the 
place,  put  his  name  down  for  $5,  which  greatly 
encouraged  the  committee.  Deacon  Amory 
gave  $2,  on  the  understanding  that  his  son,  who  is 
about  to  graduate  at  your  highest  school,  should 
deliver  the  oration,  and  what  with  one  and  another 
the  committee  succeeded  in  raising  $34,  and 
at  once  sent  a  man  to  Tlochester  to  buy  fireworks. 


14  THE   GLOKIOUS   FOUKTH. 

The  choir  of  the  Methodist  church  volunteered  to 
sing,  Miss  Evaline  Dore  was  appointed  to  read  an 
original  poem,  Parson  Wilks  to  pray,  and  George 
Low,  the  lawyer,  to  read  the  independent  decla- 
ration. The  sexton  ao-reed  to  ring  the  bell  at  sun- 
rise,  or  as  close  to  it  as  he  could,  and  the  boys  in 
the  blacksmith's  shop  to  fire  off  the  anvil  when 
60  disposed.  Tlie  procession  was  to  march  from 
the  tavern  to  Feriu's  orchard  where  the  exercises 
were  to  take  place.  This  arrangement  did  not 
meet  tlie  approval  o£  T.  Jones,  who  wanted  the 
thiiio;  to  ffo  off  in  the  street,  and  he  demanded  his 
money  back.  lie  wanted  it  close  to  the  tavern, 
as  he  thono'ht  it  would  make  lousiness  livelier. 
He  afterward  consented  to  a  compromise  that 
after  the  oration  the  procession  should  march 
back  to  the  tavern.  The  arrano-ements  all  com- 
pleted,  we  waited  in  anxiety  for  the  coming  of 
the  day  that  came  at  last.  The  old  church  bell 
was  completely  pealed  at  daybreak,  and  the  way 
the  boys  made  that  anvil  zip,  having  stayed  up  the 
night  before  to  l^e  on  hand,  was  a  caution  to  win- 
dow-glass, which  suffered  according.  The  Stars 
and  Stripes  was  swung  to  the  breeze  off  from  a 
2:)ole  on  the  tavern,  and  Johnny  Siser  and  Pat 
Sweeny  set  up  a  stand  on  the  corner  for  selling 


THE   GLORIOUS   FOURTH.  15 

lemonade  and  things.  At  jjreciselj  ten  o'clock 
the  procession  formed  in  the  street  nnder  the 
command  of  Capt  J.  B.  Long-,  who  was  a  soldier 
once,  and  moved  as  follows  at  the  word  go  : 

Capt.  Long-  on  a  horse. 

A  fif  er. 

Another  one. 

Four  snare  drummers. 

Two  base  drummers. 

Orator. 

Reader. 

Parson  WiJks. 

Poet  on  a  pony. 

Citizens. 

The  ground  was  soon  reached,  it  being  just 
around  the  corner,  and  the  performers  took  their 
places  on  the  stage.  Parson  Wilks  made  a  praver, 
which  was  a  little  tedious,  but  of  good  character, 
and  contained  no  allusion  to  politics,  as  sever&l 
Democrats  had  bet.  The  choir  then  sang  America, 
Miss  Spraker  presiding  at  the  melodeon.^  George 
Low  then  read  the  Declaration,  explaining  it  as 
he  went  along.  Tlicn  the  band  played  "  Hail 
Columbus "  with  a  good  deal  of  melody.  The 
poet,  Evaline  Dore,  recited  an  original  poem — I 
have  forgotten  the  name — written  by  Longfellow, 


16  THE   GLORIOUS   FOUKTH. 

or  some  one  else.  Afterward  the  choir  sang  the 
"  Star-Spangled  Banner,"  and  the  crowd  cheered 
considerable.  Then  Jimmy  Amory  delivered  the 
oration,  which  was  real  nice,  and  showed  his  ed- 
ucation. Some  of  the  girls  threw  bouquets  at 
liim  ;  but  as  thej  did  not  reach  the  stage  they 
were  appropriated  by  other  persons  into  whose 
hands  they  fell.  The  audience  were  much  dis- 
turbed during  its  delivery  by  certain  persons, 
whose  names  are  known,  and  which  can  be  given 
if  necessary,  going  to  the  tavern  and  coming  back 
with  considerable  noise.  Some  of  these  persons 
went  two  or  three  times,  more  or  less,  pretending 
they  wanted  to  see  a  friend.  The  oration  was 
about  three  hours  long,  and  was  considered  as 
Bomewhat  too  lengthy.  As  soon  as  Jimmy  had 
finished,  the  boys  shot  off  the  anvil  five  or  six 
times,  the  band  played  a  piece,  the  choir  tried  to 
sing,  but  couldn't  on  account  of  the  crush  of  the 
people,  so  the  procession  marched  back  to  the 
hotel,  where  it  was  dismissed  by  Capt.  Long  with 
a  few  remarks  which  only  a  few  fortunately  heard 
on  account  of  the  noise.  In  the  evening  the  fire- 
works went  off,  consisting  of  Roman  candles, 
spinning  wheels,  chasers,  which  made  the  girls 
squeal  some  I  tell  you,  blue  lights,  and  another 


THE   GLORIOUS   FOUKTH.  17 

one  whose  name  I  do  not  remember.  The  per- 
formance concluded  at  eleven  o'clock,  and  every- 
body says  they  never  had  a  nicer  time.  Tommy 
Jones,  he  says  he  hasn't  had  a  better  trade  in  a 
year,  and  considers  the  $5  with  which  he 
headed  the  subscription  list  well  invested. 

Truly  yours, 

R.  S.  Teueman. 


18      DONATION  PARTY  AT  PINE  GROVE. 


LETTER  11. 

DONATION     PARTY — WHAT     WAS     PAID     AND     WHAT 
W'AS   played — MORE   FUN   THAN   FUNDS. 

Pine  Gkove,  July  11. 

% 
IE  had  been  considering  for  some  time 
^  about  giving  Parson  Wilks  a  donation, 
particularly  as  he  had  been  hinting  pret- 
ty strong  for  two  or  three  years  that  the  annual 
sum  of  $300  wasn't  very  much  to  do  business 
for,  and  other  churches  gave  donations,  and  he 
didn't  care  about  being  made  an  exception  to 
the  rule,  and,  with  this  and  some  other  things 
he  let  fall,  we  concluded  that  he  wouldn't  de- 
cline something  of  this  sort  if  offered  in  a  prop- 
er spirit  and  in  a  becoming  way.  So  we  sort  of 
talked  the  thing  up,  and  concluded  to  give  him 
a  lift,  and  have  a  little  fun  out  of  it  ourselves 
The  women  did  up  the  baking  and  cooking  and 
fixing  things   to   eat,   and   the    men    examined 


DONATION  PAKTY  AT  PINE  GKOVE.      19 

their  pocket-books  to  see  how  much  would  be 
left  after  giving  the  smallest  bill  in  them.  So 
last  Saturday  we  sent  word  down  to  the  parson 
that  we  were  going  to  give  him  a  surprise  party, 
and  to  get  ready  for  us,  and  he  said  he  would 
try  and  be  at  home.  When  night  came  some 
twenty  of  us  went  over  with  baskets  of  provisions 
and  other  thino-s  that  we  reckoned  mi^-ht  come 
handy  in  the  family.  The  folks  were  very  much 
surprised  to  see  us,  of  course,  and  had  all  their 
lamps  lighted,  and  the  house  looked  quite  scrump- 
tious-like. The  women  adjourned  to  the  kitchen 
to  unpack,  and  the  men  talked  to  the  parson 
about  crops  and  things,  and  he  looked  quite 
pleased  and  delighted,  and  said  he  was  glad  to  see 
us.  The  folks  kept  dropping  in  until  the  parlor 
was  full.  After  a  little  the  younger  boys  and 
girls  plaj'ed  "  snap  and  catch  'cm  "  until  the  girls 
had  been  kissed  enough,  and  then  they  sat  down 
in  a  circle  and  tossed  a  handkerchief  from  one  to 
the  other,  saying,  "  I  send  my  ship  to  you  loaded 
with  B,"  and  the  one  to  whom  it  was  thrown  had 
to  say  "  barley,"  or  "  beans,"  or  some  other  word 
beginning  with  B,  or  be  judged,  and  no  one  was 
allowed  to  say  the  same  word  twice.  "When  B 
was  exhausted,  they  went  along  down  to  &,  when 


20      DONATION  PAETY  AT  PINE  GROVE. 

the  game  went  by  default.  I  never  saw  the  game 
played  before,  but  it  made  lots  of  fun,  1  tell  you. 
The  older  people  got  into  a  corner  and  talked 
about  the  rest  very  comfortably.  Pretty  soon 
Jimmy  Amory  came  in,  and  in  a  little  while  we 
all  got  quiet  while  he  presented  the  money  to  the 
parson,  together  with  a  few  remarks.  The  people 
crowded  around  so  that  I  could  only  catch  a  word 
now  and  then,  such  as  "  beneficent,"  "  shepherd 
of  the  flock,"  "beatitude,"  "  crystalline,"  "balmy," 
"  patriarch,"  "  undying  gratitude,"  "  the  in- 
closed," etc.  The  purse  was  well  filled,  but  most- 
ly with  coppers,  which  weighed  heavy,  but  didn't 
count  up  very  fast.  The  whole  of  the  sum  total 
was  $12.42,  which  was  doing  very  well,  consider- 
ing, but  not  so  well  as  many  expected.  As  soon 
as  this  part*  was  concluded  some  one  said  supper 
was  ready,  and  presently  nearly  everybody  said 
it,  and  it  wasn't  a  very  long  time  before  the  peo- 
ple found  out  where  it  was.  I  judged  from  the 
way  they  acted  that  the  amount  of  provisions  left 
uneaten  would  scarcely  afford  nourishment  for 
the  parson's  family  for  any  considerable  time, 
and  I  guess  he  thought  so  himself,  though  he  en- 
couraged them  all  to  eat,  and  set  them  a  pretty 
good  example  too.     At  10  o'clock  we  all  went 


DONATION   PARTY   AT  PICTE   GROVE.  21 

home  and  determined  to  have  another  donation 
next  year  a  little  later,  when  apples  are  ripe.  I 
will  try  and  send  you  an  account  of  it. 

E.  S.  Trueman. 


22  KLINKEE. 


LETTER  III. 

LIFE    EECORD    OF   A   WONDERFUL    l^A.^ — INGEIfUITY 

GOD-FATHER    OF    INVENTION NECESSITY    IN    THE 

EOLE    OF   LEADING   LADY. 

PmE  Grove,  Juli/  14. 


HERE  is  a  person  who  lives  in  our  vil- 
lage, and  his  name  is  Klinker,  of  whom 
yon  may  have  heard.  This  Klinker  sets 
himself  up  for  a  born  genius,  and  is  as  much  that 
as  anything  else.  His  particular  and  best  hold  is 
invention,  and  he  certainly  is  one  of  the  most  in- 
genious fellows  I  ever  knew  or  read  about.  He 
is  one  of  the  lions  of  Pine  Grove,  and  every  visitor 
who  is  shown  around  the  town  is  taken  to  see 
lOinker  just  as  much  and  as  certainly  as  Tommy 
Jones's  tavern  is  visited.  I  wish  I  knew  as  well 
how  many  people  have  been  to  see  Klinker  as  I 
know  wliere  he  lives.  The  number  would  be 
astonishing.  He  is  usually  a  genial  sort  of  chap, 
but  pretty  high-strung  sometimes,  and  says  Pine 
Grove  isn't  the  place  for  a  man  of  his  calibre. 


KLINKEK.  23 

It  is  too  far  from  Rochester,  and  takes  too  much 
time  to  get  there  and  back,  which  place,  accord- 
ing to  him,  is  the  very  hub  of  the  uni  verse.  This 
Klinker  has  invented  a  great  many  wonderful 
things,  many  of  merit,  a  few  of  no  use  whatever, 
and  he  has  never  availed  himself  of  the  privilege 
to  patent  and  sell.  Like  most  other  inventors,  liis 
mission  ends  with  the  idea,  or  extends  no  further 
than  a  rude  model,  which  is  thrown  away  for 
something  new.  The  most  practical  thing  he  has 
done  lately  is  a  wheelbarrow  with  a  wheel  and 
handles  on  both  ends,  which  enable  it  to  go  either 
way  without  turning  it  around.  He  has  just  fin- 
ished one,  and  it  works  nicely,  and  he  proposes 
to  sell  all  he  can  the  coming  year.  He  got  up  a 
shovel  with  a  hoe  on  the  other  end  of  it,  which 
was  very  handy  for  gardens.  He  set  himself  to 
make  a  waterwheel,  which,  in  addition  to  fur- 
nishing power,  pumped  the  water  back  into  the 
pond  and  prevented  waste.  With  this  wheel, 
it  made  no  difference  whether  the  season  was  a 
wet  or  a  dry  one ;  but  he  sort  of  failed  on  this. 
He  made  a  watch  that  had  the  least  machinery 
about  it  I  ever  heard  of.  There  were  two  springs 
of  different  tension,  two  wheels,  and  an  lu^iir  and 
a  minute  hand,  and  he  thought  he  saw  his  for- 


24  KLnSTKEB. 

tune  in  it.  But  lie  didn't,  for,  al though  the  hands 
went  around  the  dial,  they  couldn't  keep  correct 
time  worth  a  cent,  and  he  tinkered  at  the  thing 
most  a  year.  He  got  up  an  instrument  which  he 
called  a  luxometer,  which  measured  the  degrees  of 
light  on  the  same  principle  that  a  thermometer 
denotes  the  degrees  of  heat.  It  was  a  useful 
thing,  especially  for  dark  nights,  and  a  person 
could  tell  by  it  how  safe  it  was  to  travel  fast  in 
the  night.  It  was  graded  from  0  to  50.  Zero 
meant  the  clearest  sunlight,  and  50  blacker 
than  tar.  Before  he  got  it  fairly  in  running 
order  he  up  and  quit  it  for  something  else.  He 
turned  his  attention  to  fruit  jars,  and  succeeded 
in  making  one  that  he  intends  to  exhibit  at  the 
next  county  agricultural  horse-trot.  He  struck  it 
that  time,  for,  without  exception,  it  is  the  neat- 
est, most  simple,  secure,  and  all-right-every-way 
fruit  jar  I  ever  saw,  and  I  have  had  experience 
in  every  kind,  from  family  jars  to  Jar-vis  Lord. 
He  took  a  common  quart  glass  jar,  made  a  hole 
in  the  side  of  it  and  fitted  in  a  faucet  air-tight. 
Then  he  filled  it  with  fruit  just  as  it  came  from 
the  bushes,  fastened  down  the  top,  put  his  mouth 
over  the  end  of  the  faucet,  sucked  out  all  the  air, 
and  turned  the  stop-cock  tight.     The  fruit  will 


KLINKEK.  25 

keep  for  any  length  of  time.  Air  decomposes 
fruit.  (I  guess  tliat's  the  right  expression.)  Take 
away  this  element  and  the  fruit  must  remain 
good  until  air  reaches  it.  It  can't  help  it.  When 
you  want  to  open  the  jar,  turn  the  faucet  and  let 
in  the  air.  I  am  acting  as  agent  for  the  sale  of 
these  jars,  and  will  fill  orders  for  the  same  as 
soon  as  we  can  send  to  Rochester  bv  the  mail- 
carrier  for  another  dozen  faucets.  This  Klinker 
got  up  an  improvement  on  stoves  which  will  be 
appreciated  by  all  truly  loyal  housekeepers  and 
men  of  families,  and  will  save  considerable 
swearino;  during:  house-cleanina^.  How  did  he  do 
it?  Simply  by  putting  castors  on  the  legs,  so  the 
stove  could  be  moved  about  like  a  wagon,  with- 
out lifting.  lie  made  a  glass  watch  for  repairers, 
which  magnified  the  works  of  the  watch,  but 
would  not  magnify  the  workman's  fingers  nor  the 
tools  he  mio;ht  be  usino-.  He  manufactured  some 
ink  that  dries  the  moment  it  touches  the  paper, 
and  saves  wear  and  tear  of  insurance  blotters. 
He  got  up  a  self-sharpening  lead-pencil,  and  the 
point  never  breaks  at  unexpected  times,  with  a 
cast-iron  head  that  will  not  wear  out  by  chewing 
on  it.  lie  made  an  improvement  on  oil  lamps,  so 
that  the  smoke  and  consumed  wick,  by  an  inge- 


26  KLLNKEK. 

nious  process,  are  condensed  into  oil,  and  run 
back  into  the  lamp.  He  got  up  a  combined  agri- 
cultural implement,  which  ploughs,  harrows,  and 
sows  at  one  operation.  He  made  an  instrument 
for  manufacturing  pies  and  cakes,  which  works 
completely,  and  which  will  run  half  an  hour 
without  re-winding.  He  invented  an  apparatus 
for  catching  the  smoke  from  chimneys  and  con- 
verting it  into  lampblack  in  three  minutes  at  an 
immense  profit.  He  contrived  a  pair  of  specta- 
cles for  near-sio-hted  horses  for  road  travel  and 
general  use,  and  hopes  to  introduce  them  to  an 
appreciating  public  at  an  early  day.  He  uses  the 
same  contrivance  on  vicious  cattle  with  wonderful 
success.  A  cow  in  the  habit  of  jumping  fences 
can  be  cured  completely  in  one  operation.  The 
cow  with  the  spectacles  on  takes  a  notion  to  jump 
the  fence  into  the  next  tot,  where  there  is  better 
eating,  or  maybe  tliere  isn't.  The  cow  can't  tell 
till  she  tries  it.  She  comes  to  the  fence,  which 
in  reality  is  about  four  feet  high.  The  spectacles 
make  it  appear  twelve.  The  cow  takes  one  look 
through  the  glasses,  concludes  it  won't  work,  is 
somewhat  astonished,  and  goes  to  grass  again.  I 
can't  think  of  half  the  things  that  Klinker  has 
invented,  and  he  goes  on  so  all  the  time.    He  is  a 


KLmXEE.  27 

huster^  and  that's  about  as  big  a  compliment  as  I 
ever  pay  anybody.  Things  are  quiet  here  since 
Parson  Wilks'  donation. 

K.  S.  Tkueman. 


28  PECCAVI. 


LETTER  lY. 

APOLOGY — THE     TRUE    INWARDNESS    OF    A    SEWING- 
SOCIETY GENERAL    INFORMATION. 

Pine  Grove,  July  19. 


^  AM  sorry  I  wrote  you  about  Klinker  last 
week,  for  on  Sunday,  while  I  was  refresh- 
ing myself  at  Tommy  Jones's,  K.  came  in  with  the 
Chronicle  in  his  hand,  and  pointing  to  my  letter 
in  it,  said  hysterically,  "Is  that  your  work?" 
,  lie  looked  so  fighty  about  his  eyes  that  I  said, 
"  How  ?  "  and  declined  at  once  to  answer.  But 
this  only  added  oleaginous  fuel  to  his  fire  of  wrath, 
and  the  way  he  went  on  was  fearful.  He  said  I 
was  his  enemy,  going  about  in  sheep's  gray  cloth- 
ing ;  that  I  had  made  his  best  productions  public 
property,  and  he  saw  the  preserved  fruits  of 
twenty  years  of  labor  going  to  decay,  and  I  was 
the  exclusive  author  of  all  this  misery.  I  tried  to 
pacify  him,  but  he  kept  getting  redder  in  the 
face  and  more  abusive  of   tongue,  and  finally, 


PECCAVI.  29 

after  telling  me  to  go  to  a  certain  place  I  need 
not  more  particularly  specify,  but  which  I  can- 
not think  of  in  such  warm  weather  without  being 
thrown  into  a  state  of  violent  perspiration,  he 
tore  the  newspaper  in  pieces  and  trampled  it 
under  his  feet.  lie  then  went  away.  I  con- 
cluded from  this  that  the  partnership  existing  be- 
tween him  and  myself  was  let  out,  and  he  can  take 
his  old  wheelbarrows,  his  fruit-jars,  his  stoves  and 
near-sighted  spectacles  out  of  my  barn  within  a 
month,  or  he  will  hear  of  something  not  particu- 
larly of  advantage  to  himself  or  his  chattels.  I  sup- 
pose you  want  to  hear  the  news  from  Pine  Grove. 
The  place  is  growing  some  and  improving  a 
little.  Mr.  Adams  has  been  painting  his  fence  a 
drab  color,  which  gives  it  a  fine  appearance. 
Mrs.  Stringer  has  had  two  new  boards  put  into  her 
sidewalk.  Mr.  Dany  has  been  mending  his  way 
similarly  by  putting  in  a  few  shovelfuls  of  dirt  in 
a  hole  where  the  water  used  to  settle.  Mr.  Low 
has  had  his  conductors  fixed,  which  greatly  im- 
proves the  appearance  of  his  house  on  the  east 
side.  Mr.  Kobinson  has  put  in  two  new  pickets 
in  his  front  gate  and  expects  to  make  other  alter- 
ations during  the  coming  fall.  Tommy  Jones  has 
had  a  new  spout  put  oii  his  pump  in  front  of  the 


30  PECCAVI. 

tavern,  "whicli  needed  it  badly,  and  has  boiiglit 
some  smaller-sized  glasses  for  his  bar.  The 
latter  movement  has  created  considerable  excite- 
ment, and  a  rebellion  is  momentarily  expected. 
William  Scroon  has  been  patching  up  his  roof  so 
that  it  looks  like  a  big  checker-board.  He  has 
also  made  a  new  hole  in  the  hitching-post  before 
his  liouse,  the  old  one  having  worn  out.  So  you 
see  that  the  Grove  is  flourishing,  and  property 
has  advanced  considerably  in  consequence  of  the 
late  imjDrovements.  A  regular  meeting  of  the  sew- 
ing society  was  held  on  Monday  afternoon,  as  soon 
as  the  women  got  their  washing  out,  to  talk  over 
matters  and  things,  and  particularly  about  the  for- 
eign war.  The  attendance  was  large,  and  the  pro- 
ceedings animated,  in  consequence  of  a  few  old 
ladies  whose  grandsons  were  liable  to  the  draft,  and 
who  wouldn't  stand  corrected  on  the  fact  that  the 
United  States  were  not  subject  to  military  duty 
on  account  of  French  and  Prussian  imprudencies. 
The  subject  of  Mrs.  Scroon's  new  bonnet,  and  her 
dangliter's  pai'asol,  came  up  for  discussion,  and  a 
fortunate  thing  it  was  neither  of  these  ladies  was 
present.  The  consequences  might  have  afforded 
a  theme  for  a  funeral  oration.  Mrs.  Harris  and 
Mrs.   "Wiley  had   a   set-to   as   to  whether   Miss 


PECCAVI.  31 

Dany's  new  mantilla  was  cut  bias  or  how.  Young 
Amoiy  was  reported  as  having  gone  home  with 
Ann  Eliza  Wren  from  church  the  night  before, 
and  with  hanging  over  her  father's  front  gate 
longer  than  politeness  or  necessity  required.  An 
investigating  committee  was  appointed  to  circulate 
the  news,  and  to  make  inquiries  how  long  this 
thino;  had  been  ffoino-  on.  After  a  good  deal  of 
tea  the  society  adjourned,  mentally  and  physi- 
cally refreshed.  Crops  are  coming  in  bunkum. 
Farmer  Smith  says  if  the  yield  holds  out  he 
will  have  as  much  wheat  per  acre  as  he  did  last 
year,  but  if  it  doesn't,  he  won't,  and  he  can't  tell 
certainly  till  he  finds  out.  Farmer  Bowen  says 
he  shall  have  from  150  to  400  bushels  of  oats,  and 
calculates  to  make  more  cider  than  usual  on  ac- 
count of  his  son  coming  home  to  stay  next  winter. 
Cucumbers  will  turn  out  well.  Tlie  butter  and 
cheese  crops  are  promising,  and  eggs  are  looking 
finelv.  I  ariiess  that's  about  all  there  is  to  write. 
This  affray  with  Klinker  has  unsettled  me.  I 
remain  sadly  yours, 

R.  S.  Teueman. 


32      CONSULTATION  OF  THE  INNOCENTS. 


LETTER  V. 

A  BEASTLY  AFFAIR CONSULTATION  OF  THE  INNO- 
CENTS— DOGMATIC  EXHIBITION  OF  CANINE  SAGA- 
CITY. 

PrNE  Grove,  July  85. 

WIISTG  to  the  varions  accounts  in  the  ISTew 
j^  York  Weekly  Tribune^  the  St.  Louis  and 
San  Francisco  papers,  concerning  the  ex- 
treme prevalence  of  mad  dogs,  the  town  board 
here  thought  it  best  to  take  a  little  action  on  the 
subject,  if  only  for  the  sake  of  appearance ;  so 
they  passed  an  ordinance  that  all  dogs  in  the  to\vn 
be  muzzled  or  walk  up  and  be  shot.  The  result 
of  this  movement,  as  might  have  been  anticipated, 
was,  that  a  call  was  immediately  issued  for  an  in- 
diw;nation  meetino;  amono;  the  doo-s.  The  call  was 
freely  circulated  among  the  adjoining  towns,  and 
the  meeting  convened  last  Saturday  night  at  the 
square  in  front  of  the  Methodist  church.  The 
dogs  began  to  assemble  at  midnight.  A  numer- 
ous delegation  from  abroad  were  present  to  wit- 


CONSULTATION   OF   THE   INNOCENTS.  33 

ness  tliG  proceedings  and  tender  their  aid  and 
sjmpatliY.  At  1  o'clock  the  meeting  was  called 
to  order  by  Lame  Jack,  who  presented  the  names 
of  Mr.  Bow  Wow  for  chairman  and  Mr.  Howler 
for  secretary.  Mr.  13ow  Wow  begged  the  audi- 
ence to  accept  his  thanks  for  such  umneritcd 
honor,  and  said  he  would  endeavor  to  deal  impar- 
tially on  all  questions  submitted  to  him.  He  said 
it  was  high  time  for  action  to  be  taken.  Self-preser- 
vation is  the  first  law  of  dog-kind.  If  the  so-called 
superior  animal,  man,  dared  to  make  laws  where- 
by the  rights  of  his  hearers  were  trampled  upon, 
it  was  their  duty  to  resist  them.  Remember  John 
Brown  and  the  Boston  tea-party.  (Here  tlie  audi- 
ence wagged  their  wigglers  with  intense  approval.) 
On  motion,  a  committee  was  appointed  to  draft 
resolutions,  and  the  chairman  named  Slim  Harry, 
Fido,  and  Jo  as  such  persons.  These  gentlemen 
then  retired  around  the  corner  of  the  church  with 
a  sheet  of  paper  and  a  lead-pencil.  Fighting  Jim 
wished  to  enter  his  solemn  protest  against  being 
muzzled  or  sliot.  He  had  served  his  country 
faithfully,  had  fought  many  battles  with  success ; 
and  for  his  part  he  would  never,  no,  never,  con- 
sent to  be  muzzled.  If  we  must  die,  let  us  die 
like  men — he  begged  their  pardon,  like  dogs — 


34:      CONSULTATION  OF  THE  INNOCENTS. 

unpolluted  with  any  such  fancy  contrivances  as 
wire  baskets  or  buckled  straps.  (Tremendous  ki- 
yis.)  Mr.  Snarler  said  that  he  would  counsel  strong 
action.  We  must  be  united  in  this  matter.  We 
must  pull  together.     For  what  says  the  poet  ? 

"  In  onion  there  is  strength." 

Therefore  let  there  be  onion  among  us.     Let  us 
lay  our  hands  upon  our  hearts,  and  with  the  cry 
of  justice  on  our  lips,  march  on  to  victory  or  death, 
particularly  the  former.     (Here  Mr.  S.  bowed  and 
the  audience  bow-wowed.)  Mr.  Growler  desired  to 
make  a  few  remarks,  which,  although  somewhat 
foreign  to  the  questiou  in  hand,  were,  nevertheless, 
of  vital  interest  to  all.    He  wished  to  call  attention 
to  the  deterioratiou  in  the  cpiality  of  mutton.    He 
admitted   that   the  prior   question,  that  of   self- 
defence,  was  worthy  of  attention,  and  had  been 
ably  discussed,  but  here  is  something  of  equal  im- 
portance.    Bevenons  a  nos  moutons.     Farmers 
take  less  care  of   stock  than  formerly,  and,  as 
a  result,  the  meat  is  less  juicy  and  nourishing. 
A  friend  and  himself  had  sampled  several  flocks 
this  season,  but  he  found  everywhere  the  same 
result.     He  desired  the  meeting  to  take  action  on 
this  subject.     (Great   sensation.)     The  chairman 


CONSULTATION   OF   THE   INNOCENTS.  35 

remarked  tlmt  the  subject,  unquestionably,  was 
one  of  great  importance,  but  ho  slioukl  be  com- 
pelled to  decline  entertaining  it  until  other  mat- 
ters of  more  transcendent  interest  had  been  dis- 
posed of.     This  announcement  created  consider- 
able  disturbance,   and   the   friends  of   Growler 
showed  their  teeth,  and  made   proposals  of   an 
iinpacific  nature  to  a  few  shaggy  veterans  who 
backed  up  the  chairman.     The  efforts  to  get  up  a 
muss  were  promptly  growled  down,  the  chairman 
declared  the  proceedings  decidedly  out  of  order, 
and  said  that  the  committee  on  resohitions  had 
filed  their  report  witli  the  secretary,  who  would 
now  present  it  for  the  consideration  of  the  meet- 
ing.    The  secretai-y,  Mr.  Howler,  then  begged  the 
indulgence  of   the  audience,  and  putting  on  his 
eye-glasses  read  as  follows : 

Whereas,  The  so-called  authorities  of  this  so- 
called  town  have  issued  a  so-called  decree  con- 
cerning the  interests  of  a  large  class  of  the  animal 
family;  and 

Whereas,  We  are  the  identical  ones  whose 
interests  are  thus  affected  ;  therefore  be  it 

Besolved,  First:  That  we  won't  stand  any  such 
nonsense.  Second :  That  we  mean  wai-  to  the 
teeth,  and  the  teeth  to  the  bone.     Third  :  That  we 


36  CONSULTATION    OF   THE   INNOCENTS. 

regard  tlie  act  as  unconstitutional,  and  as  demand- 
ing the  attention  of  the  Society  for  tlie  Prevention 
of  Cruelty  to  Animals.  Fourth :  That  we  hereby 
agree  to  unite  ourselves  as  a  band  of  brothers, 
into  a  union,  for  protection,  aid,  comfort,  and 
assistance,  and  for  these  ends  and  purposes  we 
pledge  ourselves,  our  heirs,  executors,  and  admin- 
istrators, now  and  forever. 

Slim  Harry  moved  the  previous  question  on  the 
adoption  of  these  resolutions,  and  the  chairman 
announced  as  the  result  of  the  vote  all  eyes  and 
no  noses. 

A  select  quartet  then  entertained  the  meeting 
with  a  bacchanalian  melody,  entitled  "  A  Whine 
Song,"  which  was  executed  in  the  highest  style  of 
doggerel.  At  this  juncture  several  of  the  neigh- 
bors, who  had  been  unable  to  sleep  on  account  of 
the  enthusiasm  of  the  convention,  made  a  grand 
sally  upon  the  ground  with  clubs  and  pitchforks, 
and  the  meeting  at  once  adjourned  without  form. 

R.  S.  TkuemxVn. 


GKEAT  MATCH  GAME  OF  BASE  BALL.     37 


LETTER  YI. 

GKEAT     L'NMATCHED     GAME     OF     BASE     BALL  —  THE 
BASEST   I   EVEK    SAW   PLAYED. 

Pine  Grove,  August  1. 
^^^^ 

AST  Saturday  three  fellows  from  your  city 
came  over  to  visit  Jimmy  Amory.  You 
see,  tliey  became  acquainted  with  him  at 
your  highest  school,  and,  perhaps,  studied  out  of 
the  same  geography  with  him.  Anyway,  over 
they  came  Saturday  morning,  and  they  brought 
a  wooden  box  with  them  like  a  fruit-crate,  Mdiich 
had  some  long-handled  beetles  in  it,  some  bent 
wire,  two  painted  sticks,  and  a  number  of  wooden 
balls  with  stripes  on  them.  Besides  that,  they 
brought  a  keg  which  contained  what  they  were 
pleased  to  call  liquid  refreshments,  and  I  guess 
it  was.  After  they  had  put  up  their  horses  at 
Tommy  Jones's  they  went  over  to  Amory's,  and  I 
did  not  see  them  again  until  afternoon.     AVord 


38  GREAT    MATCH    GAME    OE    BASE   BALL. 

was  sent  around,  liowever,  that  they  were  going 
to  play  a  game  of  ball  on  the  green  in  front  of  the 
meeting-house  at  2  o'clock.  The  population  ac- 
cordingly turned  out  to  see  the  sport.  At  the  ap- 
pointed hour  the  young  men  appeared  upon  the 
scene,  and  the  first  thing  they  did  was  to  set  the 
keg  on  the  meeting-house  steps  and  drive  a  faucet 
into  it.  Considerable  interest  was  manifested  in 
this  movement  by  different  persons,  which  was 
natural.  We  bear  no  antipa,thy  toward  faucets. 
The  young  fellows  then  put  the  bent  wires  into 
the  ground  in  different  positions,  drove  a  stake  at 
each  end  of  the  plat,  and  then  chose  partners. 
Not  hearing  their  full  names,  I  can  only  give  their 
first  names,  which  may  seem  disrespectful,  but 
how  can  I  help  it  if  it  does  ?  A  fellow  named 
Charlie  paired  off  with  Jimmy  Amory,  and  one 
called  Jack  with  the  other  one,  named  Bill.  Then, 
to  commence  the  game,  they  filled  up  some  tum- 
blers with  handles  to  them  out  of  the  keg,  and, 
clinking  them  together,  swallowed  the  contents 
in  a  masterly  way  astonishing  to  behold.  Charlie 
then  put  his  wooden  ball  near  the  first  stake,  hit 
it  with  his  beetle,  and  sent  it  throusrh  two  of  the 
wire  hoops,  went  after  it,  and  turning  around  in 
a  graceful  way,  sent  it  up  in  front  of  another  hoop. 


GEE  AT    MATCH    GAME    OF    BASE   BALL.  39 

•wliicli  he  called  position.  Then  Jack  M'ent  throngli 
the  same  performance,  only  he  tried  to  hit  Charlie's 
ball,  but  missed  it,  struck  a  stone,  when  it  bound- 
ed back  and  hit  a  little  bov  on  the  nose  M'ho  was 
lying  on  the  grass,  and  made  it  bleed.  First  blood 
for  Jack  and  another  game  of  bawl  at  the  same 
time.  Intermission  of  a  minute,  when  they  all 
went  to  look  at  the  keg,  and  Bill  said  the  drinking 
reminded  him  of  the  song,  "  When  the  swallows 
homeward  fly."  And  they  all  laughed.  Jimmy 
Amoiy  then  hit  his  ball,  but  it  did  not  go  through 
any  hoop,  and  they  cried,  "Out  on  the  first." 
Jimmy  didn't  like  it  at  all,  nor  any  of  us,  because 
we  wanted  to  encourage  home  talent.  Then  Bill, 
he  hit  his  ball,  and  drove  it  through  two  hoops, 
struck  it  again  and  pinked  Charlie's  ball,  which 
lie  sent  a  long  way  off — into  the  middle  of  next 
week,  he  called  it.  Then  he  v>'ent  through  another 
hoop,  shot  for  position  in  front  of  a  side  hoop,  and 
retired  in  the  direction  of  the  meeting-house  steps. 
To  shorten  the  description  and  make  it  plain, 
Charlie  hit  Bill  and  sent  him  to  the  left  field ;  made 
a  hoop,  hit  Jack,  who  hit  Bill,  who  missed  Jim, 
who  pinked  Bill,  who  struck  Charley,  who  shot 
Jack,  who  didn't  hit  Jim,  who  fizzled.  I  have  ex- 
plained the  moves  as  well  as  I  can,  and  hope  it  is 


40     GREAT  MATCH  GAME  OF  BASE  BALL. 

clear.  The  game  lasted  about  an  hour,  and  the 
lager,  wliich  I  am  giv^en  to  understand  was  the 
name  of  the  beverage  used,  about  the  same  time. 
On  inquiry  of  your  young  citizens,  I  learned  that 
the  game  -was  called  k-r-o-k-a,  although  I  believe 
it  is  not  spelled  in  that  way.  They  assured  me 
that  the  game  could  not  be  played  successfully 
without  the  lager ;  that  it  was  the  spiritual  and 
essential  part  of  it,  and  on  that  account  chiefly  it 
was  extremely  popular.  It  was  very  healthy 
(they  referred  to  the  lager),  and  very  exciting 
(they  alluded  to  the  game).  The  young  men,  at 
the  request  of  several  of  our  prominent  personages, 
sang  a"'ffew  songs  from  the  meeting-house  steps, 
such  as  "  Bonny,  fill  up  the  jowl,"  "  We  won't  go 
home  till  morning  if  we  can  help  it,"  "  Chaplain 
Kinks  of  the  mare  horsines,"  "  Then  you'll  re- 
meme-e-ember-r-me-e-e,"  and  a  few  other  sacred 
songs.  I  somewhat  regret  this,  from  the  fact  that, 
since  they  left,  all  the  whistles  in  the  villa,ge  have 
been  going  "  from  early  morn  till  close  of  day," 
as  a  poet  has  beautifully  said,  trying  to  get  the  run 
of  those  tunes.  It  is  somewhat  painful  to  a  sen- 
sitive person  like  myself  to  witness  and  listen  to 
their  efforts.  Your  young  citizens  went  away 
safely  late  in  the  afternoon,  and  were  ushered  out 


GKEAT   MATCH   GAME   OF   BASE    BALL.  41 

of  town  bj  the  shouts  of  the  populace.  This 
morning  Klinker  called  to  see  if  I  wouldn't  go 
snucks  with  him  on  a  new  arrangement  for  cro- 
queting. He  proposed  to  use  a  beetle  with  a 
spring  to  it,  so  when  yon  touch  the  spring  the  ball 
would  move  with  greater  velocity.  In  case  this 
didn't  work,  he  thought  he  could  use  an  air-gun 
for  shooting  the  balls,  and  dispense  entirely  with 
the  beetles.  After  the  outrageous  treatment  1 
had  suffered  at  his  hands,  I  respectfully  declined 
snucking  with  him. 

R.  S.  Teuealajst. 


42  APOLOGETIC. 


LETTER  YII. 

m   WHICH   PAESON   WILKS   IS   DELIVERED    OF    A 

SERMON. 

Pine  Grove,  August  22. 

^^L  1^0  not  know  wlietlier  an  apology  is  in 
^j^  order  for  apparent  neglect  in  keeping  you 
posted  about  affairs  down  here.  I  understand  (and 
the  whole  world  should  appreciate)  the  necessity 
of  a  complete  record  of  current  events,  and  Pine 
Grove  is  expected  to,  and  does,  furnish  its  quota 
of  incidents.  But  siclcness  and  distress  are  more 
frequently  drawn  in  the  great  lottery  of  life  than 
health  and  happiness,  and  of  course  I  drew  one  of 
the  common  prizes.  Two  weeks  of  illness,  accom- 
panied with  a  consciousness  of  unperformed  du- 
ties, will  incline  any  one  to  blasphemy,  and  I  am 
confident  that  Dr.  Plum  received  his  share  of  gen- 
tle epithets,  ISTot  that  1  am  usually  profane,  but 
when  I  order  my  physician  to  cure  me  in  one 
week  and  he  takes  two,  I  should  like  to  know  how 


ATOLOGETIC.  43 

one  can  avoid  speaking  feelingly.  Therefore  my 
temporary  absence  from  your  genial  columns  must 
"be  ascribed  to  my  temporary  absence  from  health- 
So  I  make  my  humble  confession  and  j)i*oceed  to 
business.  Parson  AVilks  delivered  a  fine  sermon 
yesterday  on  "the  wicked  conduct  of  the  foreign 
"war,"  and  I  crawled  out  to  hear  it.  He  said  that 
the  war  was  actually  begun,  that  gentlemen  or 
ladies  might  cry  peace,  peace,  until  they  had  the 
"bronchitis,  but  there  was  no  peace.  (P.  Henry.) 
He  said  there  must  be  no  double-shuffle  in  this 
matter;  we  must  take  sides  in  this  emergency. 
He  thought  Napoleon's  best  side  was  suicide. 
Still,  people  who  could  not  think  alike  must  think 
differently,  and  where  opinions  were  not  the  same 
there  must  be  a  difference  in  opinion.  The  French 
had  aided  us  in  1776,  the  Germans  had  sympa- 
thized with  us  in  our  late  rebellion.  "Wliom,  there- 
fore, shall  we  serve  ?  Under  which  King,  Byzan- 
tium? (\Y.  Shakspeare.)  Tlie  way  it  seemed  to 
him  now,  the  French  had  taken  too  much  Prussic 
acid  and  were  suffering  for  their  carelessness. 
War  was  a  terrible  thing  viewed  in  its  happiest 
light.  Sometimes  men  were  shot.  Not  unfre- 
quently  somebody  got  hit.  Sometimes  their  limbs 
were  torn  asunder  and  naught  remained  but  the 


44:  LOCAL   ITEMS. 

life  of  a  wandering  minstrel  going  about  with  a 
roaring  hand-organ  seeking  whom  he  may  devour 
somebody.  Should  Prussia  be  successful  the 
French  will  have  fouo-ht  in  vain  ;  should  France 
triumph,  Prussia  will  have  failed  to  accomj^lish 
what  she  desired.  Whom,  therefore,  shall  we 
serve  \  The  next  gale  that  sweeps  through  the 
Atlantic  cable  will  bring  to  our  eyes  an  account 
of  more  bloodshed,  provided  another  battle  shall 
have  been  fought.  Oh,  my  brethren  and  others, 
let  us  think  of  these  things ;  and  thinking,  take 
courage  ;  and  being  courageous,  act,  and  acting, 
do  something.  The  sermon  was  a  line  production, 
and  when  the  sexton  had  awakened  all  the  sleepers, 
except  those  who  preferred  to  sleep  until  the  con- 
tribution-box had  passed  them,  the  choir  sang  an 
appropriate  hymn  to  the  tune  of  "  Shouting  the 
battle-cry  of,"  etc.,  and  the  meeting  adjourned. 

LOCAL    ITEMS. 

I  learn  from  the  family  that  Jimmy  Amory  is 
going  to  be  married  this  week  in  flying  colors ; 
but  as  I  promised  never  to  tell,  I  will  keep  my 
promise,  or,  breaking  it,  make  another  just  as 
good. — Mr.  and  Mrs.  Dany  (his  wife)  set  out  on  a 


LOCAL   ITEMS.  45 

tour  to  Rochester,  and  returned  all  right  the  next 
day,  after  a  pleasant  trip.  They  report  many 
people  "on  the  git,"  to  use  a  familiar  expression. 
They  found  the  travelling  quite  dusty  on  account 
of  the  condition  of  the  roads. — Wm.  Jenks  and 
Joseph  Bunker  went  on  a  pedestrian  excursion  to 
the  lake,  Thursday,  where  they  enjoyed  them- 
selves hugely,  returning  the  same  evening.  No 
one  else  has  excursioned  that  I  know  of.  It  is 
astonishing  how  much  good  is  done  by  a  summer 
jaunt  like  that  of  Dany  or  William  and  Joseph. 
Health  is  restored,  strength  is  gained,  and  we 
once  more  return  to  our  daily  labor  just  as  if 
nothing  had  happened,  so  to  speak. — A  little 
scrimmage  occurred  at  the  tavern  Saturday  night, 
in  consequence  of  a  misunderstanding  about  the 
regular  price  of  plain  drinks.  The  fighter  was 
quieted  by  knocking  the  breath  out  of  him,  which 
proved  effectual. — The  Sunday-school  is  going  to 
picnic  on  Wednesday.  Not  being  invited  I  shall 
take  pains  to  be  tliere.  I'll  let  them  know — 
(Here  our  correspondent's  manuscript  becomes 
illegible,  in  consequence,  no  doubt,  of  intense  ex- 
citement, and  the  working  up  of  his  feelings  to 
an  exalted  pitch). — Klinker  is  throwing  himself 
on  a  new-fangled  cannon,  and  has  shot  one  side 


46  LOCAL   ITEMS. 

of  his  house  off  experimenting. — Tommy  Jones's 
chimney  was  discovered  on  fire  Friday,  and  there 
was  a  large  turnout  in  consequence.  A  man 
was  sent  to  Rochester  after  a  steam  fire-engine, 
but  was  recalled  on  ascertaiuino-  that  the  fire 
went  out  itself.  No  damas-e  was  done.  More 
scared  than  frightened. 

R.  S.  Teueman. 


THE   PICNIC.  47 


LETTER  VII. 

THE    SUNDAY-SCHOOL    PICNIC;      PROVING     THAT    THE 
WAYS    OF    SO]^IE    PEOPLE   ARE   PAST   FINDING    OUT. 

Pine  Grove,  August  29. 

I  wrote  yon  in  my  last,  the  church  was  to 
have  a  picnic,  and  on  Wednesday  it  came 
to  pass.  I  am  sorry  you  were  unable  to 
read  and  print  what  I  had  to  say  when  1  men- 
tioned that  I  had  not  been  invited.  The  abuse  I 
received  has  been  terrible.  Everybody  says  my 
letter  was  originally  written  pitching  into  the 
society  rough-shod,  and  that  you  declined  to 
publish  that  part,  pretending  you  could  not  read 
it.  So  I  have  had  to  catch  it  for  what  was  not 
printed,  as  well  as  for  what  was.  The  way  the 
coals  of  fire  were  heaped  on  my  head  Wednesday 
was  enough  to  make  a  Hottentot  agonize.  If 
you  compel  me  to  be  present  and  report  all  tliese 
picnics  you  will  have  to  find  another  correspond- 
ent. I  have  no  doubt  Fox's  Book  of  Martyrs  is 
tolerably  correct,  but  I  will   add   my  personal 


48  THE   PICXIO. 

testimony  that  the  tortures  and  sufferings  expe- 
rienced by  tlie  ladies  and  gentlemen  therehi 
mentioned  were  joy  and  delight  compared  to 
what  I  have  undei'gone.  So  you  may  make  up 
your  mind  that  1  did  not  have  a  very  pleasant 
time,  I  went  over  to  the  church  in  the  morning, 
forgetting  all  about  my  unfortunate  letter,  hop- 
ing to  catch  a  ride  to  the  lake  with  the  rest  of 
them.  Kobody  spoke  to  me.  I  said  "  Good- 
morning"  to  one,  and  "How  do  do?"  to  an- 
other, and  the  more  I  2:ood-mornino:ed  and  how- 
do-dood  the  more  they  didn't,  but  kept  looking 
elsewhere,  and  talking  among  themselves,  and 
turning  their  backs  on  me.  Such  an  amount  of 
backsliding  as  was  performed  for  ten  minutes  I 
have  never  seen  equalled.  Pretty  soon  I  spoke  to 
Abbie  Long,  and  said,  "  Why  is  this  so-so  ? " 
when  the  pert  young  lady  replied,  "  My  ma  for- 
l)ids  me  to  speak  to  anybody  that  writes  lies  to  a 
newspaper,"  and  wriggled  away  scornfully.  This 
was  an  eye-opener,  and  I  began  to  understand 
the  cause  of  my  ill-treatment.  On  going  into  the 
church  the  sexton  said,  "  If  you  please,  sir.  Parson 
Wilks  says  infidels  and  ungodly  persons  are  not 
to  profane  this  church  by  their  presence.  Now 
git,  darn  ye."     I  temporarily  got.     Such  a  cool 


THE   PICNIC.  49 

reception  somewhat  riled  my  feelings,  and  I 
made  up  ray  mind  that  I  would  go  with  them 
anyway.  •  So  I  climbed  into  a  wagon  and  sat 
down.  In  a  little  while  the  children  and  their 
pa's  and  ma's  came  out  of  the  church  and  com- 
menced to  get  into  their  conveyances.  A  great 
big  fellow  approached  me  in  an  insinuating  way 
and  said,  "  I  don't  care  about  a  fight  so  early  in 
the  morning,  but  if  you  don't  climb  out  of  that 
machine  in  exactly  two  seconds,  I'll  make  you  in 
another."  I  got  out  with  a  second  to  spare. 
The  result  was  that  no  one  would  let  me  ride,  and 
it  began  to  look  as  though  I  should  take  no  part 
in  the  festivities.  By  this  time  the  load  of 
feathei*s  on  my  camel's  back  was  becoming  very 
uncomfortable,  and  I  had  to  stand  on  the  church 
steps  and  see  them  all  ride  away,  laughing  and 
giggling  at  me,  with  the  younger  boys  gyrating 
their  fingers  on  their  noses  in  a  manner  cal 
culated  to  rend  the  heart  of  a  being  so  suscep 
tible  as  myself.  When  they  had  all  dep)arted 
I  went  over  to  Tommy  Jones  with  the  fire 
of  wrath  kindled  within  me.  Tommy,  not 
being  an  essentially  church  or  picnic-going  per 
son,  was  at  home,  and  to  him  I  confided  my 
grief.     Between  us  we  rigged  up  a  rickety  old 


50  THE   PICNIC. 

wagon  and  a  horse  almost  as  rickety,  and  Tommy 
made  me  np  a  little  lunch,  to  be  used  in  case  of 
further  accidents,  as  he  delicately  explained.  He 
bade  me  farewell  with  a  tear  in  his  eye  and  a  fur- 
tive smile  playing  about  his  mouth,  and  I  gave 
him  a  few  directions  about  the  disposition  of  my 
effects  in  case  the  picnickers  saw  fit  to  manslaugh- 
ter me.  The  horse  never  having  been  trained  to 
trot  for  purses,  and  being  withal  independent, 
with  his  own  notions  as  to  speed,  and  a  will  to  exe- 
cute them,  it  was  noon  when  I  reached  the  lake 
shore,  I  was  evidently  expected,  for  a  delegation 
of  little  boys  came  out  to  receive  me,  and  I  was 
welcomed  with  hoots  and  groans  and  little  extem- 
poraneous songs,  beginning,  "  The  Trueman,  the 
ruman,  the  rix-stix  stooman,"  etc.  I  drove  into 
the  woods  with  a  placid  smile  on  my  countenance, 
hitched  my  horse  to  a  tree,  and  began  to  circulate 
among  the  people.  My  hearing  being  tolerable 
acute  I  was  enabled  to  listen  to  such  expressions 
as,  "  There's  old  Trueman  poking  down  here," 
"His  room  is  better  than  his  company,"  "  There's 
one  too  many  here,  and  it  isn't  any  one  that  came 
in  the  procession  either."  My  reception  was  far 
from  cordial.  While  I  stood  looking  on,  pretend- 
ing to  be  perfectl}'  unconcerned,  two  young  fel- 


THE   PICNIC.  51 

lows  came  to  me,  and,  pleasantly  enongli,  invited 
me  to  take  a  row  on  the  lake.  Friendless  as  I  was, 
I  was  prepared  to  second  the  slightest  advances. 
Oat  we  went  in  a  boat,  and  I  noticed  significant 
glances  passing  between  them.  I  began  to  be  sus- 
picious that  mischief  was  meant.  My  sus23icions 
were  at  once  confirmed  by  a  sudden  swaying  of 
the  boat,  and  over  she  went.  Now  swimming  is 
my  best  hold,  and  I  struck  out  for  the  shore,  but 
my  gentlemen  were  not  equal  to  it,  and  clung  to 
the  boat,  bawling  loudly  for  help.  A  boat  was 
sent  out  to  tliem,  and  I  enjoyed  a  hearty  laugh 
while  they  were  being  towed  in.  When  dinner 
was  ready  I  went  for  my  lunch.  Not  a  sign  of  my 
horse  or  my  wagon  or  my  lunch  was  to  be  found, 
and  what  the  rascals  could  have  done  with  them 
was  beyond  my  ability  to  imagine.  As  their  cash 
value  was  somewhat  more  than  I  was  able  to  ad- 
vance, supposing  them  never  to  turn  up,  I  began 
an  unsuccessful  search  through  the  woods  that 
lasted  until  dark,  and  until  the  picnic  had  started 
away,  I  footed  it  bravely  home  and  arrived  at 
Tommy  Jones's  in  a  decidedly  used-up  condition. 
I  found  that  mv  horse  and  wagon  had  been  driven 
to  the  barn  and  left  there  some  time  during  the 
forenoon,  but  Tommy  could  not  tell  who  did  it.' 


52  THE  rioNio. 

Probably  some  of  the  picnickers,  to  add  to  my 
chagrin.  Don't  I  wish  I  knew  who  it  was! 
Um-m  !  I  do  not  think  mnch  of  picnics  any 
way. — I  have  no  time  to  make  any  further  expla- 
nations, but  it  is  evident  enough  to  me  that  my 
Pine  Grove  letters  are  getting  me  into  hot  water. 

Sorrowfully  yours, 

R.  S.  Tkueman. 


A  EEMAHKAELE  OCCUKEENCE.        53 


LETTER  IX. 

WHEREIN  IS  NARRATED  A  REMARKABLE  OCCUR- 
RENCE, UNLIKELY  TO  HAPPEN  ON  A  SECOND  OC- 
CASION. 

Pine  Grove,   Sq)t.  1 

ARSON  WILKS  is  a  high  old  chap,  and 
knows  more  nonsense  in  ten  minutes  than  I 
could  remember  in  ten  weeks.  It  so  hap- 
pened last  night  that  I  thought  it  my  duty  to  step 
over  to  his  house  and  see  if  it  was  true  that  his  hard 
cider  had  entirely  given  out.  "While  I  was  leading 
up  to  the  subject  in  came  Jimmy  Amory  and  Cap- 
tain Long  on  the  same  errand  as  myself.  Such  is 
friendship  in  Pine  Grove.  AVhile  we  were  wrig- 
gling on  our  chairs  the  Parson  opened  his  writing- 
desk  and,  pulling  out  some  foolscap  paper,  said : 
"  I  would  like  to  read  you  a  little  story  I  have 
just  been  writing,"  and  before  we  could  say  more 
cider  and  less  talk,  he  l)cgan  : 


54:  a  eemaekable  occukkence. 

Virtue  its  Own  Eewakd. 


A  GENUINE   FAIRY   STORY. 


Once  upon  a  time,  and  only  once,  there 
lived  a  gentleman  by  the  name  of  Sliver. 
Now  Sliver  was  monarch  of  all  he  surveyed, 
and  a  little  more.  He  had  a  little  kingdom 
somewhere  on  the  map,  and  at  least  1,100 
yeomen  bowed  the  knee  before  him  whenever 
he  requested  them  to  do  so,  and  were  his  true  and 
loyal  subjects.  I  cannot  say  whether  he  ever  had 
a  Gessler  freak,  and  stuck  up  his  cap  on  a  pole, 
and  invited  his  people  to  make  obeisance  unto  it, 
but  I  am  quite  cei-tain  none  of  them  would  have 
acted  the  part  of  William  Tell,  even  if  he  had 
done  so.  He  had  a  singular  name,  but  not  half  as 
singular  as  this  story  is  going  to  be.  You  may 
suppose  by  this  that  he  wasn't  very  much  of  a 
king,  and  that  his  dominions  were  not  very  ex- 
tensive, but  the  fact  is  he  was  considerable  of  a 
monarcli ;  always  prompt  in  collecting  his  rev- 
enue, paying  his  debts  like  a  man  whenever  he 
felt  like  it,  and  never  getting  into  quarrels  with 
his  neighbors  and  gunpowdering  them  out  of 
house  and  home.  His  subjects  loved  him.  It's 
an    awful   thing   to   have  1,100  people  in  love 


A   KEMAEKABLE   OCCUEKENOE.  65 

with  jou  all  at  once,  bnt  King  Sliver  somehow 
got  along  with  it,  and  Mrs.  Sliver  hadn't  the  least 
particle  of  jealous}'  in  her  nature. 

The  royal  family  was  a  very  nice  one.  It  was 
small,  neat,  and  compact.  There  wasn't  any  out- 
side relations  either,  bothering  round  and  drop- 
ping in  to  dinner  when  the  larder  was  empty,  for 
the  good  king  had  taken  particular  pains  to  chop 
off  the  heads  of  a  couple  of  brothers  of  his,  a 
maiden  sister,  and  a  double  handful  of  nephews 
and  nieces,  so  that  he  had  things  pretty  much  his 
own  way,  and  wasn't  troubled  about  the  crown 
going  outside  the  family  when  he  died,  which  he 
hadn't  the  least  expectation  of  doing. 

There  was  only  one  drawback  to  his  happiness, 
and  that  was  his  inability  to  get  hold  of  another  re- 
lative of  his  for  the  purpose  of  decapitation.  This 
was  his  o-randmother  on  his  father's  side.  She  was 
a  very  peculiar  person,  this  grandmother.  She 
had  a  great  deal  of  mystery  about  her,  and  could 
put  her  hand  in  her  apron  pocket  at  any  hour  of 
day  or  night  and  pull  out  a  fist  full  of  shinplasters, 
which  was  certainly  a  trick  worth  knowing  and  a 
very  desirable  accomplishment.  She  was  also  able 
to  ride  a  broomstick  through  the  air  with  ease  and 
celerity,  and  wnild  turn  such  wonderful  sunnner- 


56        A  EEMAEKABLE  OCCURRENCE. 

sets  while  joiiniejiiig  in  this  manner  that,  if  she 
had  onlj  consented  to  travel  with  a  menagerie,  she 
could  easily  have  made  her  own  fortune  and  that 
of  her  employers.  But  she  didn't  go  much  on  cir- 
cuses. 

Tliese  things  were  all  well  enough,  perhaps, 
but  she  had  several  other  habits  which  were  by  no 
means  to  be  approved.  For  instance,  she  was  able 
to  crawl  through  a  key-hole  without  apparent 
difficulty,  though  how  slie  managed  it  is  entirely 
beyond  my  comprehension,  for  she  wore  No.  7 
shoes  with  double  soles.  Then  again,  by  the  use 
of  some  outlandish  gibberish  which  I  don't  care 
about  repeating,  and  which  I  couldn't  repeat  if  I 
did  care,  slie  could  transform  any  human  being 
into  an  animal,  or  anything  else,  which  was  a  very 
unpleasant  thing  for  the  j^erson  selected  for  the 
experiment. 

Therefore  it  is  no  wonder  that  the  good  King 
Sliver  was  exceedingly  anxious  to  rid  himself  of 
such  a  dangerous  grandmother,  nor  is  it  a  matter 
of  any  great  surprise  that  he  resorted  to  all  sorts 
of  ingenious  devices  and  stratagems  to  accomplish 
his  purpose.  On  one  occasion  he  invited  the  old 
lady  to  tea,  and  she  came.  You  never  saw  such 
a  polite  old  fellow  as  the  king  was  then.     So  were 


A  KEMAKKABLE  OCCUKKENCE.         67 

the  entire  fainil}',  who  were  in  the  secret.  But 
riglit  in  the  midst  of  the  meal,  while  they  were 
talking  about  the  last  party,  and  the  new  skating- 
rink,  and  other  interesting  topics,  up  jumped  the 
king,  struck  his  left  breast  a  violent  blow,  and 
cried  out,  "  Sirrah  !  seize  upon  this  woman,  and 
convey  her  to  yonder  dungeon  keep."  And  when 
the  sirrahs,  six  in  number,  came  stumbling  in  to 
excute  the  order,  what  did  the  old  lady  do  but 
hop  over  their  heads  and  go  out  of  the  door  kiting, 
muttering  something,  the  meaning  of  which  was 
not  at  first  understood  until  six  teacups,  Hying  off 
from  the  table,  fastened  themselves  upon  the  noses 
of  the  six  unfortunate  sirrahs  before  mentioned, 
and  so  firmly  too  that  all  the  king's  men  and  oxen 
couldn't  have  pulled  them  off,  even  if  the  attempt 
had  been  made,  w^hich  it  wasn't.  King  Sliver  was 
very  much  frightened,  and  tried  to  break  the  cups 
off  from  the  men's  noses,  but  as  fast  as  he  broke 
out  a  piece  another  came  in  its  place,  and  at  last 
the  king  had  to  send  them  away  with  half  a  dollar 
apiece  and  a  promise  to  pay  the  doctor's  bills,  and 
I  have  no  doubt  a  fine  rumpus  was  kicked  up  by 
their  several  families  when  the  men  arrived  home. 
It  isn't  very  much  of  a  joke  to  go  through  life 

with  au  unremovable  teacup  balanced  on  the  end 
3* 


58         A  KEMAKKABLE  OCCUKEENCE. 

of  jonr  nose.  It  served  them  right  though,  and 
if  thev  have  o;ot  into  trouble  throu-xh  their  mis- 
deeds  they  must  get  themselves  out.  I  don't  pro- 
j)Ose  to  shed  any  tears  or  ink  to  help  them. 

The  family  of  King  Sliver  consisted  of  live 
members ;  himself,  Mrs.  Sliver,  the  two  Misses 
Sliver,  and  a  young  Master  Sliver,  who  was  much 
given  to  street  fighting,  and  to  smoking  penny 
grabs  in  the  stable.  King  Silver  was  very  eco- 
nomical. He  made  his  wife  and  the  girls  do  all 
the  housework  and  the  washing  and  the  plain 
sewing  (and  there  wasn't  much  of  any  other  kind 
going  on  about  those  premises,  I  assure  yon). 
When  they  had  boiled  mutton  on  Saturdays, 
which  they  usually  did,  you  could  calculate  pretty 
close  as  to  what  the  Sunday  and  Monday  dinner 
would  be.  He  was  a  regular  one,  he  was.  He 
w^eio-hed  out  the  flour  and  the  meal  and  the  butter, 
and  measured  the  molasses  and  the  rye  coffee  and 
the  sugar,  and  he  kept  a  set  of  household  books 
in  doulde  entry,  and  you  can  well  believe  that 
there  wasn't  much  stealing  nor  eating  between 
meals  going  on  in  that  house. 

The  girls  were  well  educated,  considering  the 
dearness  of  schooling,  and  were  quite  good-looking, 
in  which  respect  they  did  not  take  after  their 


A  REMARKABLE  OCCURRENCE.        69 

father  or  grandmother.  They  had  a  piano  which 
had  come  down  to  them  through  I  don't  know 
how  many  generations,  and  when  any  of  the  fellows 
came  to  call  evenings  the  king  used  to  lock  it  up 
and  hide  the  key,  for  fear  the  girls  would  wear  it 
out  playing,  "  Come  back,  my  own  heart's  love," 
or  "What  are  the  wild  waves  grumbling  about?" 
or  some  of  those  pieces.  Iv  ot  unf  requently,  too,  this 
excellent  sovereign  would  blow  out  the  candles, 
lea  vino:  them  entirely  in  the  dark  as  to  his  future 
movements  or  their  own,  but  after  a  while  he 
found  that  the  more  he  blew  out  the  candles  the 
longer  the  young  gentlemen  remained,  so  that 
eventually  he  gave  it  up  and  turned  the  girls' 
company  out  of  doors  at  the  respectable  hour  of 
nine,  precisely. 

How  they  all  hated  the  fairy  grandmother! 
Tou  never  saw  anything  like  it.  They  slandered 
her ;  they  abused  her ;  they  called  her  names ; 
they  would  have  torn  her  into  pieces  if  they  could 
have  got  hold  of  her  and  held  on.  It  was  hardly 
a  safe  proceedhig  to  talk  at  any  length  about  the 
absent  one,  for  one  afternoon,  while  the  ladies 
were  vilifying  her  in  a  vixenish  way,  down  came 
the  grandmother  through  the  stove-pipe  aiid  out 
of  the  stove  door,  and  squatted  on  a  table,  and  in- 


60        A  EEMAKKABLE  OCCUKKENCE, 

stautaneonslj  became  as  large  as  life,  "What  did 
the  hypocrites  do  but  kiss  her,  and  call  her  their 
dear  granny,  and  ask  her  to  take  her  things  off, 
and  stay  to  tea,  and  remain  all  night,  and  tell  her 
how  they  had  been  perfectly  wild  to  see  her,  the 
sweet  things.  "Well,  the  old  lady  was  up  to  all 
these  feminine  dodges,  and  I  suppose  she  gave 
them  a  piece  of  her  mind  that  they  long  should 
have  remembered.  The  effect  didn't  last  a  ffreat 
while.     I  never  knew  a  blowing-up  that  did. 

She  was  a  shrewd  old  lady,  this  grandmother, 
and  was  always  practising  some  ingenious  joke  to 
work  upon  the  fears  of  her  amiable  relatives. 
She  used  to  get  into  the  boiled  pork  and  cabbage 
that  King  Sliver  ate  so  freely,  and  go  down  into 
his  stomach,  where  she  raised  such  an  awful  row 
that  at  last  the  physician  to  his  majesty  always 
had  to  be  in  attendance  whenever  the  king  dined 
upon  his  favorite  dish.  Then  in  the  silent  watches 
of  the  night  she  used  to  sit  on  his  stomach  and 
give  him  the  nightmare,  and  the  good  king,  wak- 
ing in  fearful  agony,  would  swear  such  terrible 
oaths  that  all  the  people  within  a  mile  of  the 
castle  would  be  aroused  from  their  sleep,  and  lie 
shivering  and  horrified,  until  finally  they  were 
obliged  to  stop  up  all  the  key-holes  with  cotton, 


A  EEMAEKABLE  OCCUKREXCE,        61 

and  to  wear  night-caps  with  padded  ear-laps  to 
shut  out  such  awful  blasphemy. 

Things  went  on  from  bad  to  worse,  and  King 
Sliver  began  to  think  that  he  had  acted  a  little 
hastily  about  chopping  off  the  headsof  his  relations. 
With  his  grandmother  still  alive,  all  his  former 
work  availed  him  nothing.  So,  as  a  last  effort, 
he  offered  an  enormous  reward  to  any  one  who 
would  deliver  the  old  lady's  head  to  him.  Xow 
all  the  people  throughout  the  land  loved  their 
king  much,  and  his  money  more,  and  themselves 
most  of  all,  and,  seeing  in  the  great  reward  a 
pretty  fair  speculation,  they  made  a  grand  hunt 
after  the  head,  all  except  the  half  dozen  with 
the  ornamental  teacups  on  their  noses.  Catch 
them  again,  would  you  ?  But  in  spite  of  all  the 
efforts  made  the  head  wasn't  forthcoming,  and 
the  king  was  about  to  connnit  suicide  by  eating 
double  his  usual  quantity  of  pork  and  cabbage, 
which  would  have  done  the  business  to  a  certainty, 
when  one  day,  while  at  dinner,  and  while  roundly 
abusing  his  youngest  daughter  for  putting  two 
spoonfuls  of  brown  sugar  into  her  coffee,  there 
came  a  vigorous  ring  at  the  front  door-bell,  and 
shortly  after  the  dining-room  door  opened,  and 
the  royal  family  had  the  honor  of  witnessing  one 


62        A  REMARKABLE  OCCUEEENCE. 

of  the  most  unparalleled  sights  it  had  ever  been 
their  good  fortune,  or  any  one  else's,  to  behold. 

You  may  not  believe  it,  but  there  stood  that 
fairy  grandmother  without  an}'  head  on,  and  with 
a  biir  basket  in  her  hands.  It  was  certaiidv  a 
disao:reeable  sio-ht,  but  nothing  to  what  it  was 
when  the  spectre,  speaking  out  of  its  neck,  said  : 

"  I  have  brought  you  what  you  desired.  Hand 
over  your  stamps." 

Witli  that  the  spectre  opened  the  basket  lid, 
and,  taking  out  its  own  head,  chucked  it  upon 
the  table,  wliere  it  cut  a  sorry  figure  among  the  tea- 
spoons and  salt-cellars  and  goblets  and  plates  and 
vinegar  cruets.  King  Sliver  ripped  out  a  couple 
of  yards  of  his  favorite  oaths  ;  his  wife  fainted 
and  slid  under  the  table;  Master  Sliver  said, 
"  What  next  ?  "  and  the  young  ladies  grew  as  pal- 
lid as  their  pocket-handkerchiefs. 

Then  what  did  the  head  do  but  proceed  to  lecture 
the  king  on  his  crimes,  and  his  wickedness,  and 
his  making  the  women  do  all  the  housework,  and, 
wdicn  his  royal  highness,  exasperated  beyond  en- 
durance, made  fearful  passes  at  the  head  with  the 
carving-knife,  the  head  rolled  out  of  the  way,  leav- 
ing the  Aveapon  quivering  in  the  table,  and  went 
on  talking  the  same  as  before. 


A  KEMAEKABLE  OCCUEKENCE.         63 

At  last  the  fairv  OTandmother  roachod  out,  and 

I/O  ■' 

taking  the  head  from  the  table  screwed  it  upon  her 
own  shoulders  in  sueh  an  artistic  way  that,  for  the 
life  of  you,  you  couldn't  have  told  where  the  joint 
was.  Then,  on  my  solemn  word,  the  old  lady  took 
seven  other  heads  out  of  the  basket,  and  arranged 
them  tastily  in  a  semi-circle  on  the  table,  and  the 
seven  heads  were  nothing  less  than  the  former  per- 
sonal property  of  the  relatives  whom  the  good  king 
had  murdered.  How  thev  did  o-ive  it  to  King 
Sliver !  Oh,  it  would  have  made  your  hair  stand  on 
end  to  have  heard  them  talk!  Then,  in  some 
way,  the  bodies  belonging  to  the  heads  got  into  the 
room,  and  the  fairy  grandmother  united  the  sepa- 
rate parts,  and  there  they  all  were  back  to  life 
again,  and  so  natural  like,  talking  and  smiling 
just  as  though  nothing  had  happened. 

The  king  was  silent.  He  saw  the  joke,  but, 
being  a  discreet  king,  said  nothing.  Then  the 
good  fairy  went  to  work  and  told  the  king  how 
that  his  time  had  come,  and  that  he'd  better  re- 
tire from  business.  That  his  kinf^-dom  was  about 
to  pass  into  better  hands,  and  that  his  relations 
were  to  reign  in  his  stead,  and  a  lot  more  talk  c)f 
the  same  nature,  which  went  conclusively  to  show 
to  good  Sliver  that  the  circus  was  about  to  let  out. 


64:  A  KEMAEKABLE    OCCUEEENCE. 

Mrs.  Sliver,  who  by  this  time  had  recovered  from 
her  fain  ting-lit  and  crawled  out  between  a  couple 
of  chairs,  burst  into  tears;  the  two  Misses  Sliver 
changed  color  and  made  spiteful  remarks,  and 
Master  Sliver,  with  his  hands  thrust  deep  into  his 
breeches  pockets,  was  heard  to  declare  tliat  he'd 
be  highjimmycracked  if  he  stood  any  such  con- 
founded nonsense. 

After  this,  the  grandmother  fairy  metamor- 
phosed the  entire  royal  Sliver  family  into  plaster- 
of-Paris  images  and  set  them  all  up  in  a  row  on 
the  mantol-piece  in  the  dining-room,  and,  to  this 
day,  whenever  pork  and  cabbage  make  their  ap- 
pearance on  the  table,  it  is  said  that  one  of  the 
images  can  be  seen  to  visibly  squirm. 

Thus  did  the  excellent  fairy  bring  about  the 
cause  of  justice.  If  I  were  disposed  I  could  ex- 
tract half  a  dozen  gross  of  moral  lessons  from  this 
simple  story,  but  I  don't  propose  to  do  any  such 
thing.  If  anybody  has  any  doubt  of  the  truth  of 
this  narrative,  all  doubts  can  at  once  be  removed 
by  believing  it. 

When  the  Parson  had  concluded,  Jimmy  Amoiy 
was  nodding,  Captain  Long  sleeping,  and  myself 
extremely  thirsty,  but  as  this  was  a  feeling  I  had 


A  KEMAEKABLE  OCCURRENCE.        C5 

become  accustomed  to,  I  didn't  mind  it  much. 
The  Parson  asked  me  how  I  liked  the  story,  and 
I  replied  that  it  was,  like  myself,  a  little  dry,  but 
could  easily  be  corrected.  He  said  he  would  do 
both,  and  he  did. 

Fairy-like,  yours, 

R.  S.  Trueman. 


66  THE   CHAKMS   OF   MUSIC. 


LETTER  X. 

Pine  Grove,  Sept.  5. 

PROVES  THAT  ALTilOUGII  MUSIC,  UNDER  CERTAIN 
FAVORABLE  CONDITIONS,  MAY  HAVE  SUFFICIENT 
CHARMS  TO  SOOTHE  THE  BREASTS  OF  SAVAGES, 
YET  ON  APPLICATION  OF  THE  PRINCIPLE  TO  THE 
WHITE  MAN,  A  DIFFERENT  ORDER  OF  THINGS  IS 
LIKELY    TO   EXIST. 

"Double,  double 
Toil  and  trouble." 

W.    Shakspeare. 


IIUECII  choirs,  like  gunpowder,  require 
■^"■^  to  be  handled  with  extreme  caution  lest 
they  go  off,  at  unexpected  moments,  in 
gi'and  explosions,  shattering  tlie  feelings  of  every- 
body within  hearing  distance.  Choirs  are  troiiljle- 
some  things  generally.  They  are  always  kicking 
up  some  unpleasantness  and  dividing  the  people, 
and  when  they  are  not  quarrelling  with  the  peo- 
ple and  the  minister,  the  people  and  the  ministers 
are  picking  flaws  with  them.    I  used  to  sing  once 


THE   CnAEMS    OF   MUSIC.  67 

myself  hi  a  choir,  and  very  good  music  we  used 
to  make  too.  I  know  how  it  is.  Pine  Grove  to 
a  great  extent  has  been  spared  this  evil,  and  up  to 
Sunday  everything  run  as  slick  as  a  jews-harp. 
We  have  had  a  volunteer  choir  of  twenty  voices, 
and  pretty  tough  voices,  too,  some  of  them  were. 
I  speak  advisedly  and  without  prejudice,  for  you 
see  since  my  picnic  fracas  the  church  people  and 
I  don't  go  snucks  any  more.  So  being  an  outsider 
I  can  express  my  opinion  freely  and  take  sides 
with  nobody.  These  twenty  jubilees  have  had 
things  their  own  way  for  a  long  time,  and,  like 
the  Ilutchinson  family,  were  strictly  a  baud  of 
vocal  brothers.  Of  course  they  had  their  little 
quirks  occasionally,  and  got  jealous,  and  mad,  and 
quit,  and  eventually  came  back  all  right,  but,  in 
general,  they  have  pulled  straight.  But  their 
voices  never  chinked  together.  Such  squeaking 
and  grunting  as  they  would  get  off  at  times  was 
astonishing.  Parson  Wilks  hinted  pretty  strong 
several  times  that  they  must  do  better,  but,  l)less 
you,  they  wouldn't  mind  hiui  a  bit.  They  didn't 
ask  any  odds  of  him.  No,  sir.  "Well,  Parson  Wilks 
underwent  the  musical  torture  until  virtue  was 
beyond  forbearance.  Accordingly  he  planned  a 
grand  coup  d'etat.  (That's  French,  and  I  know  it .) 


68  THE   CHAEMS   OF   IVIIJSIO. 

He  went  to  work  on  the  sly  and  got  np  a  qnartette 
club,  viz. :  Air,  Evaline  Dore  ;  counter,  Ann  Eliza 
Wren;  tenor,  William  Long;  bass,  George  Low  ; 
Miss  Spraker,  inelodeonist.  It  was  all  done  up  so 
nicely  no  one  outside  knew  anything  about  what 
was  going  on.  Saturday  night  the  old  choir 
squawked  thi'ough  a  rehearsal,  the  parson  actually 
being  jjresent.  Lie  wanted  to  postpone  the  insup- 
portable, the  heavy  hour  (as  Shakspeare  gallantly 
observes),  as  long  as  possible.  On  Sunday  morn- 
ing the  new  choir  got  into  the  gallery  in  good 
season,  locked  the  stair  door  and  prepared  their 
hymn-books  for  action.  At  last  the  members  of  the 
old  choir  began  to  come,  and  they  found  some- 
thing was  up,  but  couldn't  tell  exactly  what  it  was. 
Parson  Wilks  spoke  to  them,  and  told  them  quiet- 
ly, but  firmly,  that  theii'  services  were  no  longer 
needed,  and  that  he  had  arranged  for  the  music  in 
the  present  and  future.  Well,  now,  if  you  are  a 
better,  you  can  go  your  foundation  dollar  on  the 
fact,  and  win  every  time,  that  there  were  more  mad 
people  in  the  porch  of  that  church  than  you  could 
shake  a  stick  at.  Mad  is  no  uanie  for  it.  Of  all  the 
exhibitions  of  surprise,  indignation,  tears,  growl- 
ing, and  internal  sweariug  I  ever  saw,  that  one  took 
the  premium.    They  could  not  do  anything  but 


THE   CHAEMS    OF   MUSIC.  69 

submit,  for  the  gallery  door  ^yas  locked  (and  a 
lucky  tiling  it  was  for  the  quartette),  so  at  last  they 
filed  into  the  church  in  a  body  and  sat  down.  The 
rest  of  the  people  were  as  much  surprised  as  them- 
selves, and  it  did  not  take  a  great  while  for  the 
news  to  spread  among  them  wliat  the  matter  was. 
Everybody  turned  around  to  look  up  at  the  gallery, 
and  some  in  the  back  part  of  the  church  had  to 
stand  upon  the  seats  to  see.  The  new  choir  had  a 
red  face,  but  seemed  to  understand  its  business. 
The  first  hymn  was  sung  very  well,  although 
every  one  of  the  old  choir  set  up  such  a  cough- 
ing it  was  impossible  at  times  to  hear  the  singing. 
But  they  could  not  cough  them  down.  The 
last  hymn  was  a  failure.  The  twenty  song- 
sters down  stairs  pitched  in  and  sang  so  much 
out  of  tune  and  time,  and  discorded  so  terri- 
bly, and  all  on  purpose,  that  the  quartette  had 
to  give  up  the  task  as  a  bad  job.  You  ought 
to  have  seen  the  twenty  grins  on  the  twenty 
faces.  It  was  rich,  I  tell  you.  Parson  "Wilks 
dismissed  the  cono-reo-ation  at  once.  In  the 
evening  they  had  no  singing,  and  the  parson 
never  gave  out  the  hymns  at  all.  I  cannot 
tell  how  this  thing  is  coming  out,  but  I  know 
that  a  first-class  social  volcano  is  getting  read}'  to 


70  THE   CHARMS    OF   MUSIC. 

erupt.  If  there  is  as  much  sulphur  about  it  as 
about  many  volcanoes,  little  harm  will  be  done, 
for  sulj)hui-  is  good  for  eruptions.  (This  is  a  side 
joke,  but  I  couldn't  help  putting  it  in.)  I  look 
upon  the  whole  affair  as  a  sort  of  judgment  upon 
the  society  for  treating  me  in  the  manner  they 
did  at  the  picnic,  and  I  do  not  care  very  much 
how  it  ends.  I  believe  that  there  is  a  punish- 
ment on  earth,  as  well  as  hereafter,  for  evil  deeds 
done,  and  here  is  an  illustration  of  it. 

POLITICAL. 

We  do  not  go  much  on  politics  down  here. 
Sometimes  we  have  a  little  fight  on  supervisor  or 
justice  of  the  peace,  as  we  did  when  I  was  elected. 
The  people  are  mostly  Republicans  and  Demo- 
crats. The  latter  are  pretty  thick  around  the 
corners,  but  grow  less  the  further  you  get  from 
Tommy  Jones's  tavern.  When  I  joke  on  this  I 
always  say  that  demijohn  and  Democrat  are 
synonymous.  A  little  money  goes  a  long  distance 
here  in  a  political  way,  and  we  are  anxiously 
waiting  for  the  county  and  Congressional  nomina- 
tions to  be  made.  We  have  got  our  candidate 
for  Congress  picked  out,  and  we  are  going  to  do 
our  level  best  for  him.   His  name  is  John  Klinker. 


THE   CnAEMS    OF    MUSIC.  71 

He  and  I  have  settled  our  little  diiBcnltv,  and  if 
things  work  right  I  shall  yet  have  a  government 
office  of  some  kind.  That  is  the  arrano-ement 
between  us.  Murk  my  prophecy,  Klinker  is  the 
man.     (I  put  this  out  as  a  feeler.) 

K.  S.  Tkueman. 


72  THE   SAME   OLD   STORY. 


LETTER  XL 

THE   SAME   OLD   STOET — YOKES   STILL   EASY. 

Pine  Grove,  Sqjt.  13. 


*r,^^.  HINTED  to  yon  some  time  ao-o  that 
"  Jimmy  Amory  and  Ann  Eliza  Wren  were 
going  to  hold  hands  for  life,  and  expected 
the  happy  event  would  come  off  two  weeks  ago. 
But,  as  usually  happens  in  such  cases,  the  dress- 
maker, the  tailor,  or  some  one  else,  failed  to  come 
to  time,  and  a  postponement  was  the  consequence. 
Last  week  Thursday,  however,  everything  had  been 
sent  home,  from  Jimmy's  new  hat  to  Ann  Eliza's 
shoes,  and  the  necessary  preparations  made  for  the 
marriage  feast.  All  day  long  the  odors  of  pump- 
kin pies  and  boiled  beef  floated  out  on  the  air  to 
the  roadside.  All  day  long  a  few  brave  spirits  de- 
corated the  church  with  evergreens  and  hung  the 
trees  before  old  Wren's  house  with  lanterns,  and, 
with  a  forbearance  beyond  belief,  steadfa.stly  re- 


THE   SAME   OLD   STOEY.  Y3 

fused  to  answer  the  thousand  and  one  questions 
poured  into  tlieir  unwilling  ears.  All  day  long  a 
hundred  tongues  wagged  merrily  and  incessantly  ; 
dozens  forgot  tlieir  dinners  in  the  excitement  of 
the  hour,  and  everybody  longed  and  waited  for 
the  comine-  of  the  time  that  should  make  the 
deuce  of  hearts  an  ace.  But  I  grow  affecting.  At 
6  o'clock  in  the  evening  three  carriages  might 
have  been  seen,  and  for  that  matter,  were  seen, 
unloading  their  occupants  in  front  of  the  church. 
First  came  Parson  Wilks,  and  a  minister  from 
your  city,  whose  name  1  did  not  learn,  but  who 
I  understand,  is  a  big  gun  at  preaching.  Pai'- 
son  Wilks,  with  an  eye  to  the  division  of  the 
spoils,  did  not  appear  to  like  his  assistant,  and 
1  do  not  blame  him.  Getting  half  where  you 
should  have  all  is  an  example  in  short  division 
too  hard  for  contemplation.  The  bride  wore 
an  elegant  dress  of  some  gauzy  material,  white 
slippers  which  I  did  not  see,  and  a  bewitching  bon- 
net, a  very  triumph  of  millinery  art.  She  had  rings 
on  her  fingers  and  ribbons  and  bows  wherever 
one  would  stay  pinned,  a  chignon,  a  fan,  and 
hands  incased  with  gloves.  Jimmy  had  on  a  new 
necktie,  a  tall  hat,  new  clothes  and  shiny  boots, 
and    all    the    girls    sighed    when    they    beheld 


T4  THK   SAME    OLD   STOKY. 

liim  in  all  liis  glory.  As  soon  as  the  procession 
came  up,  we  made  a  dive  for  the  church,  and 
filled  the  seats  and  aisles  in  short  order.  When 
quiet  had  been  restored  the  two  ministers  came 
in  and  took  their  places  before  the  pulpit. 
Then  came  Ann  Eliza  and  her  pa,  Jimmy  and 
Mrs.  "Wren,  Mr,  and  Mrs.  Amory,  and  a  few  re- 
lations. It  was  a  lovely  sight.  The  air  was 
redolent  with  the  perfume  of  flowers  and  scent, 
the  people  had  put  on  their  goodly  apj^arel,  and 
pleasure  reigned  supreme.  Wlien  the  contract- 
ing parties  had  been  brought  into  line.  Parson 
Wilks  and  the  city  man  proceeded  to  cross-cpies- 
tion  them  in  the  most  approved  style,  and  pre- 
sently Jimmy  and  Ann  Eliza  became  two  souls 
with  but  a  single  tliought,  two  hearts  that  beat 
as  one,  as  a  poet  (name  unknown)  has  pleasantly 
observed.  The  parson  then  made  a  few  remarks 
and  commented  for  fifteen  minutes,  and  the  city 
preacher  followed  him  up  with  a  quarter  of  an 
hour's  advice,  when  the  meeting  adjourned.  The 
wedding  corps  filed  out  to  the  carriages,  and 
drove  away  to  Mr.  \Vren's  house  amidst  the 
cheers  of  the  boys.  Invitations  had  been  given 
out  for  the  party  at  eiglit.  I  expected  to  have 
been  able  to  attend,  but  circumstances  pi-evented. 


THE    SAME    OLD    STORY.  75 

I  had  a  great  many  chores  to  do  about  the  house ; 
had  been  workino;  hard  all  dav,  and  did  not  feel 
very  well.  So,  after  thinking  the  matter  over,  I 
concluded  that  I  had  better  remain  away.  Be- 
sides that,  I  wasn't  invited.  This  was  an  over- 
sight, however,  for  Mr.  Wren  told  me  so  the  next 
day  when  I  spoke  to  him  about  it.  lie  said  they 
made  quite  a  number  of  oversights.  Dming  the 
eveniuo;  I  went  over  to  the  tavern  wdiere  the 
sound  of  fiddles  and  noise  of  laughter  could  be 
heard  coming  from  Wren's  grove.  As  it  was 
more  than  I  could  bear.  Tommy  Jones  and  I  went 
out  to  see  the  fun,  and  walked  up  the  road  where 
we  could  acet  a  sio-ht  of  the  festivities.  The  o-rove 
was  lighted  up  with  lanterns,  the  moonlight  was 
picking  its  way  among  the  trees,  and  the  people 
were  dancing  on  a  platform  that  had  been  built. 
It  was  just  like  the  night  before  the  battle  of 
Waterloo.  Tommy  said  he  guessed  he  hadn't 
time  to  go  in,  and  as  I  did  not  care  to,  for  reasons 
I  declined  to  mention  to  him,  we  sat  down  on  the 
horseblock  and  watched  the  proceedings  for 
some  time.  It  was  hard  at  first  to  see  them 
drinking  their  elderberry  and  currant  wine,  and 
feel  that  there  was  none  of  it  for  Joseph ;  but 
we   soon  became   accustomed   to  the   situation. 


76  THE    SAME    OLD    STOET. 

The  dancing  was  kept  up  to  a  late  lionr,  when 
Slipper  took  place.  Tommy  Jones  got  so  mad 
hearing  the  dishes  rattle  that  he  declined  to  re- 
main any  longer ;  so  we  both  came  back  to  the 
tavern,  and  I  went  home.  Altogether  the  wed- 
ding was  a  great  success,  and  almost  equal  to 
our  Fourth  of  July  celebration,  which  I  shall  al- 
ways hold  in  everlasting  remembrance. 

E..  S.  Teueman. 


A   DISPLAY   OF   PATRIOTISM.  77 


LETTER  XIL 

«L   DISPLAY   OF    PATKIOTISM — THE    SINGER    MACHINE 

THE   BEST. 

Pike  Grove,  Sept.  28. 

\  INCE  the  fall  campaign  opened  I  have  had 
hut  little  time  to  write  you.  You  see,  an 
active  politician  like  myself,  in  times  like 
these,  has  his  hands  full  without  sending  the 
news.  I  am  hard  at  work  for  John  Klinker  for 
Congress,  and,  although  I  haven't  got  along  far 
enough  yet  to  report  progress,  still  I  flatter  my- 
self that  I  am  gaining  ground  daily.  At  first  no- 
body went  for  Klinker  hut  himself ;  after  a 
little  I  went  for  him;  and  now  Tommy  Jones 
says  he'll  go  for  him  if  he  don't  settle  that  little 
bill  of  his.  The  fact  is,  Klinker  is  neither  appre- 
ciated nor  understood  here,  and  somebody  has 
got  to  do  a  large  amount  of  hard  work  to  bring 
him  properly  before  tlie  public.  lie  won't  take 
any  interest  in  the  matter.  Whenever  I  speak  to 
him  about  it,  he  says  he  leaves  the  matter  entirely 


78  THE   OHOm. 

in  the  hands  of  his  friends,  and  then  rushes  off  to 
his  workshop  to  execute  some  new  idea  that  has 
struck  him  about  machinery  or  some  other  fangle. 
He  can  have  the  delegation  from  this  town  if  he 
will  only  come  down.  I  suppose  you  kr.ow  what 
that  means.  I  fear  he  will  not  come  down,  for 
he  can't  come  down  much  lower  than  he  is  now, 
financially.  I  do  not  despair,  however,  but  await 
the  development  of  events.  There  is  one  thing 
about  it  that  is  much  to  be  regretted.  Scarcely  a 
day  passes  but  what  a  candidate  for  some  office 
rides  over  here,  and  it  makes  bad  work.  On  Sat- 
urday I  counted  fourteen  candidates  for  Congress, 
eleven  for  county  clerk,  eighteen  for  county 
superintendent  of  the  poor,  sixteen  for  Assembly, 
and  every  doctor  in  the  district  for  coroner.  So 
what  with  their  talk,  and  arguments,  and  pledges, 
and  buying  something  for  the  boys,  the  commu- 
nity is  getting  badly  demoralized  and  refuses  to 
listen  to  the  voice  of  reason. 

TUE   CHOIR. 

1  wrote  you  some  time  ago  about  the  choir  and 
the  muss  the  church  people  were  in,  and  now  it 
has   worked   itself  around   into   another  shape. 


LOCAI.   THINGS.  79 

Ann  Eliza  Wren  was  tlie  alto  in  the  new  clioir, 
but  she  up  and  got  married,  and  no  one  could  be 
found  to  take  her  place.  The  friends  of  the 
choir  blame  Ann  Eliza  very  much  for  the  step 
she  took  just  when  her  services  were  most  needed 
in  the  singing,  and  decline  to  listen  to  any  expla- 
nation, George  Low  manifested  such  a  disposi- 
tion to  sing  bass  solos  all  the  time  that  the  tenor 
singer,  William  Long,  got  mad  and  threatened  to 
quit  at  once  unless  his  feelings  were  respected. 
The  choir  sang  two  Sundays — all  that  was  left  of 
them — but  the  bass  and  tenor  sang  so  loud  uo 
one  could  hear  the  soprano.  As  one  might  say, 
the  soprano  voice  was  drowned  in  a  torrent  of 
fierce  melod}'.  The  old  choir  are  a  little  less 
huffy  than  at  first,  and,  I  think,  will  work  around 
all  right  after  a  while.  Parson  Wilks  is  going  to 
fight  it  out  on  this  line  if  it  takes  all  the  money 
he  can  borrow  from  his  friends. 

LOCAL   THINGS. 

The  equinoctial  storm  has  been  postjioned  on 
account  of  the  weather,  apparently.  In  conse- 
quence butter  has  "  riz." — The  boys  begin  to 
throng  around  the  cidcr-uiill  after  dark,  and  the 


80  LOCAL   THINGS. 

sounds  of  laughter  and  old  jokes  come  floating  in 
on  the  evening  air  like  chips  on  a  mill-pond.-  — 
Dany's  horse,  Jack,  ran  away  Smiday  and  bi'oke 
everything  except  his  neck  all  to  pieces.  That's 
what  you  get  for  riding  to  church  on  the  Sabbath. 
People  that  put  on  airs  must  expect  to  have  the 
wind  taken  out  of  their  sails.  Nothing  personal 
intended.  Oh,  no,  I  guess  ]iot. — Mrs.  Stringer  is 
troubled  with  a  bad  cough,  which  the  doctor  says 
may  lead  to  a  coffin. — The  display  of  northern 
lights  was  so  brilliant  ^ni  Sunday  night  that  the 
boys  and  girls  didn't  get  home  from  church  until 
11  o'clock.  It  is  astonishing  how  much  interest 
the  young  folks  take  in  astronomy. 

R.  S.  Trueman. 


ABTS    AND    UANDS.  81 


LETTER  XIII. 

AET8    AND   HANDS A    SEKIES    OF   PEIZE   ESSAYS. 

Pine  Grove,  Oct.  5. 


IMMT  AMORT  having  been  to  colleore 


and  returned  unscathed,  became  struck 
with  an  idea,  and  last  week  he  went 
around  town  trying  to  strike  every  one  else  with 
the  aforesaid  idea;  to  wit:  a  series  of  literary 
entertainments  founded  on  horse-trotting,  where 
in  the  best  man  should  receive  the  first  prize  for 
the  best  essay,  and  so  on  to  the  worst  man,  who, 
in  all  probability,  would  receive  a  blessing.  The 
idea  was  a  complete  success,  and  the  striker  and 
the  struck,  with  a  fair  proportion  of  interested 
nobodies,  came  together  last  night  at  Tommy 
Jones'  ball-room,  which  had  been  mopped  out  in 
honor  of  the  occasion. 

There  were  four  manuscripts  only  handed  uj), 
and  three  of  them  were  furnished  by  Parson 
VVilks.     It  is  a  sad  commentary  on  tlie  literary 


L* 


82  AKTS   AND    HANDS. 

ahility  of  Pine  Grove  that  one  sponge  should  sop 
up  tliree-fourtlis  of  it.     But  such  are  sponges. 

Jiuiuij  Aniory  having  unanimously  voted  him- 
self upou  the  orchestra  platform,  proceeded  to 
open  one  of  the  manuscripts,  and  read  as  follows : 

SuioiEK  Rest. 

The  fervid  heat  of  July  melts  into  the  swelter- 
ing days  of  August.  If  we  are  going  forth  into 
green  fields  and  sombre  forests,  or  where  the  sea 
waves  chatter  on  the  shingly  beach,  or  where 
nature's  distillery  pours  forth  its  life-sustaining 
waters,  which  are  healthy  in  j^roportion  to  their 
bitterness,  it  is  hio-h  time  we  were  in  motion. 
Later  in  the  season  the  great  crowds  that  throng 
the  watering-places  will  have  floated  home  on  a 
high  tide  of  weariness  and  disappointment,  and 
the  places  of  extortion  that  rejoiced  in  their  pres- 
ence will  know  them  no  longer.  Therefore  let 
us  at  once  gather  together  our  purple  and  fine 
linen,  our  jewelery  and  personal  adornments, 
and  go  forth,  conquering  and  to  conquer.  We 
will  seek  the  favorite  resorts  where  chiefly  we  of 
the  fashionaljle  world  do  congregate ;  we  will 
Bwelter  in  the  most  compact  of  little  rooms  high 


ARTS   AND   HANDS.  83 

upward  on  the  road  to  the  stars ;  we  will  give  aid 
and  comfort  to  rebellion  in  our  digestive  appa- 
ratus by  eating  all  that  is  set  before  us ;  we  will 
laugh,  sing,  dance,  grumble,  and,  mayhap,  swear, 
and  at  last — ah !  at  last — return  home  and  call 
the  snffering  we  have  endured  and  the  tortures 
we  have  undergone — recreation ! 

Ah,  me !  This  is  not  summer  rest.  It  is  only 
a  suicidal  attempt  to  see  and  to  be  seen,  at  a  cost 
of  untold  treasure  and  indescribable  vanity  and 
vexation  of  spirit.  My  brave  associates,  partners 
of  my  toil,  my  feelings  and  my  fame !  if  rest  be 
thy  object,  if  relaxation  from  many  months  of 
arduous  toil  be  thy  design,  seek  it  not  where  giddy 
thousands  wearily  while  away  the  days  in  fever- 
ish excitement,  chained  to  the  wheels  of  fashion's 
Juggernaut.  Rather  let  thy  retreat  be  where 
calmness  and  content  abide ;  by  the  margin  of 
our  inland  lakes;  in  the  deep  recesses  of  the 
forests,  where,  far  from  busy  haunts,  you  may 
seek  and  find  that  rest  of  body  and  peace  of  soul 
that  fashionable  watering-places  can  never  give, 
but  always  take  away. 

At  this  point  Parson  Wilks  applauded  vigorously. 

Jimmy  Amory  then  proceeded  to  read  an  essay 
on 


84  AETS   AND   HANDS. 


The  Aet  of  Book-Keeping. 

Book-keeping,  or,  the  forgetting  to  return  bor- 
rowed volumes,  is  fast  becoming  one  of  the 
amenities  of  life.  Wliat  more  self-satisfying 
feeling  can  take  possession  of  one's  soul  than  the 
contemplation  of  a  well-stored  library,  accumu- 
lated by  the  persistent  practice  of  book-borrow- 
ing and  the  steadfast  habit  of  book-keeping  ?  If 
anything  further  be  needed  to  complete  the  state 
of  happiness  into  which  you  are  thrown  by  this 
meditation  on  literature,  it  will  be  found  in  the 
delio-htf  ul  thono;ht  that  all  this  treasure  of  mind 
and  matter,  this  glittering  cavern  of  literary 
wealth,  has  cost  you  nothing.  As  this  ecstasy  ex- 
ists in  the  mind  of  the  book-borrower,  so  in  an  in- 
verse ratio  does  the  halo  of  sadness  lioat  over  the 
soul  of  the  book-lender.  Upon  his  shelves  many 
an  empty  space  denotes  the  successful  charges 
of  the  light  brigade  of  literary  gormandizers. 
Many  a  lovely  set  of  standard  works,  rich  in  its 
blue  and  gilt,  is  short  a  volume  or  more,  and 
stands  a  testimony  of  too  im^ilicit  confidence  on 
l-he  part  of  the  lender,  and  a  living  witness  of 
nianV  inhumanity  to  man  on  the  j^art  of  the  bor- 


ARTS   AJSTD   HANDS.  85 

rower.     A  favorite  book  is  needed,  or  a  partially 
foi'gotten   quotation   is  wanted.      The   troubled 
heart  rushes   to   his   library,  and,  after  a  long 
search,  suddenly  remembers  that  he  loaned  this 
particular  volume  to  somebody,  but  for  the  life 
of  him  he  cannot  recollect  who  that  somebody  is. 
As  a  rule,  somebody  never  puts  in  an  appearance. 
Ah,  no !  half  the  enjoyment  of  borrowing  books 
is  lost  in  returning  them,  and  few  are  so  self- 
denying  as  to  deprive  themselves  of  a  moiety  of 
pleasure  when  they  can  have  the  entire  quantity. 
When  the  apprenticeship  to  the  noble  art  begins, 
the  jDupil  may  be  troubled  with  some  qualms  of 
conscience  about  retaining  property  not  his  own. 
But  such  feelings  rapidly  wear  away,  and  give 
place   to  an   anxious  solicitude  to  continue  the 
good  work  so  Avell  undertaken,  and,  like  the  busy 
bee,  to  gather  honey  from  every  opening  library. 
By  strict  attention  to  business  and  a  discriminat- 
ing application  to  lenders,  an  excellent  collection  ■ 
of  books  will  be  procured,  one  that  will  enliven 
the  weary  hours  of   the   borrower,  increase  his 
knowledije  and  enlarge  his  understandino^,  and 
l^rove  a  solace  and  a  comfort  to  him  as  he  up- 
rightly descends  the  hill  of  life. 

(Tumultuous  applause  from  Parson  AYilks.) 


86  ARTS   AND   HANDS. 

The  third  productiou  was 

An  Essay  on  Flies. 

From  all  quarters  of  the  State,  and  from  iriany 
regions  round  about,  the  cry  has  gone  forth  that 
never  before  have  our  little  friends,  the  gentle 
flies,  been  so  numerous,  manifested  such  blood- 
thirsty intentions,  or  conducted  themselves  with 
such  an  air  of  general  recklessness.  All  remon- 
strances with  them  have  been  in  vain,  and  the 
"  spare  the  rod  and  spoil  the  child  "  argument 
has  availed  nothing.  It  is  certain  that  the  fly  of 
to-day  is  not  like  his  predecessor.  The  time  has 
been  when  flies  could  readily  be  caught,  could  be 
gently  mashed  with  the  fingers,  and  thrown  out  of 
the  window  with  a  feeling  of  satisfaction  akin  to 
ecstasy.  Xow,  how  changed  !  In  what  school 
did  these,  our  household  enemies,  learn  their  les- 
sons of  wisdom  and  cunning  ?  From  what  instruc- 
tors did  they  derive  that  useful  knowledge,  that 
intuitive  perception,  so  skilfully  used  ?  "Witness 
their  early  morning  efforts,  when  long  fasting 
chrouo;h  the  dim  watches  of  the  nio-ht  has  made 
them  particularly  voracious.  How  they  fly  about 
in  graceful  undulations,  with  gentle  murmurings, 


ARTS   AND   HANDS.  87 

like  tiny  waves  on  ocean's  shore,  or  anything  else 
that  muriiinrs  similarly,  and,  at  last,  the  period  of 
mnrninring  accomplished,  they  dive  for  your  nose, 
and  perform  their  little  feats  of  light  gymnastics 
over  and  on  your  brow  and  ej'es  and  cheeks,  until 
it  seems,  in  your  sleepy  way  of  thinking,  as  though 
ten  thousand  straws  had  conspired  to  tickle  you  to 
death  on  a  wager,  and  had  commenced  proceed- 
ings with  a  fair  show  of  winning.  With  feelings 
far  from  friendly  you  make  a  desperate  dash  at 
your  oppressor,  who  is  safe  enough  by  the  time 
you  have  jammed  your  hand  against  the  head- 
board, and  who  presently  returns  in  company 
with  a  few  friends  whom  he  has  called  in  to  sec 
the  fun.  If  you  have  any  idea  you  can  catch 
them,  or  having  massacred  one  appall  the  rest,  be 
forever  undeceived  !  Millions  of  suffering  hu- 
manity have  been  victims  of  the  same  idle  delu- 
sion and  have  lived  to  chano;e  tbeir  belief.  A 
fly,  though  of  little  stature,  and  of  the  race  of 
hum-bugs,  is  no  fool.  He  is  constantly  on  the 
lookout  for  JS[o.  1 ;  he  knows  where  all  the  dain- 
ties are  kept,  and  always  calculates,  and  never  in 
vain,  to  have  the  first  taste  of  everything.  My 
dear  madam,  who  pride  yourself  upon  your  ex- 
cessive neatness  in  housekccinug,  you  may  wrap 


88  AETS   AND   HANDS. 

your  undevoiired  joints  of  meat  in  snowy  napkins ; 
you  may  remove  your  jellies  and  sweetmeats  into 
dark  closets  and  out-of-the-way  places  ;  you  may 
secure  and  put  away  your  pies  and  cakes  in  any 
manner  that  seemeth  best  to  you,  but,  my  word 
for  it,  the  intellect  of  the  fly  will  overreach  you 
in  a  way  that  passeth  all  understanding. 

At  this  juncture  Parson  Wilks  was  observed  to 
applaud  with  much  Vehemence, 

Tlie  next  essay  was  entitled — 

"  Who  shall  DEcroE  when  Hardware  Dealers 

Disagree  ? " 

The  universal  Yankee  will  have  a  great  deal  to 
answer  for  hereafter,  particularly  in  the  turning 
of  his  attention  to  stoves.  Here  are  numberless 
kinds,  each  claimed  by  its  inventor  or  disposer 
to  be  the  shie  qua  non  of  the  housewife's  desire, 
and  the  ne  jplus  ultra  of  inventive  progress.  And 
such  wonderful  stoves,  too !  The  sight  of  a  coal- 
scuttle throws  them  into  a  fever,  and  they  shed 
forth  caloric  at  the  scratchino-  of  a  lucifer.  A 
single  ton  of  coal  will  suffice  them  from  October 
until  May,  and  they  will  burn  up  all  the  slate  and 
limestone  that  the  miners  choose  to  leave  in  the 


AET8   AND   HANDS.  89 

anthracite.  This  is  the  usual  story  told,  with  vari- 
ations for  the  more  incredulous.  For  the  good  of 
the  people,  some  thoroughly  posted,  wholly  unpre- 
judiced philanthropist  ought  to  issue  a  handbook 
entitled,  "A  Guide  to  Stoves,  or  Rest  for  tlie 
Weary."  With  such  a  publication,  setting  forth  in 
plain  terms  the  several  advantages  of  the  thousand 
or  so  different  kinds  of  stoves  in  existence,  one 
might  be  able  to  form  an  oj^inion  of  his  own, 
\\athout  being  compelled,  as  at  present,  to  accept 
the  word  of  an  unprincipled,  perhaps  ignorant 
dealer.  As  it  is,  A  cracks  up  the  Excelsior ;  B 
runs  it  down  and  offers  the  Family  Pacificator ;  C 
(who  has  not  the  agency  for  the  foregoing)  breaks 
out  against  both,  and  confidentially  recommends 
the  Panacea.  Now  what  shall  we  do  in  view  of  all 
these  things  ?  That's  the  question,  my  lords  and 
ladies.  Either  A,  B  or  C,  or  any  two  of  them,  or 
all  of  them,  are  deliberate  falsifiers  and  shameless 
prevaricators,  or  they  labor  under  the  most  mis- 
taken of  impressions.  AVho  is  to  set  us  right  in 
this  matter,  now  that  winter  is  coming  on  and  the 
new  fashion  i)lates  for  stoves  have  been  published  ? 
At  the  close  of  this  essay  everybody  applauded, 
except  Parson  Wilks,  who,  inasmuch  as  he  didn't 
write  it,  couldn't  see  anything  applausible  in  it. 


90  AETS   AND   HAJSTDS. 

When  the  noise  had  become  somewhat  disin- 
tegrated, a  small  boy,  the  property  of  Matilda 
Hooker,  was  observed  to  sidle  down  the  hall  and 
hand  a  paper  to  Jimmy  Amory.  The  gallant 
apostrophe  opened  it,  and  after  remarking  that  a 
new  horse  had  entered  for  the  race,  proceeded  to 
read  as  follows : 

ON     PEESENTING    A    BOTTLE     OF     PERFUMERY    TO     A 
YOUNG   LADY. 

Of  wealth  at  the  present  I  have  none, 

My  hopes  on  the  future  are  bent ; 
I  have  naught  of  gems,  nor  of  diamonds, 

And  can  give  thee  only  a  scent. 

The  glorious  fragrance  of  true  love 
I  feel  that  thou  knowest  full  well ; 

Should' st  thou  ever  require  a  reminder- 
Why,  take  out  the  stopijer  and  smell. 

Ah,  life  is  but  brief  and  fleeting, 

And  pleasure's  a  short  sweet  song  ; 
They  are  like  this  i)erfume  I  give  thee, 

For  I  know  that  it  will  not  last  long. 

But  this  casket  is  not  like  life's  joys, 
So  mixed  with  care,  trouble,  and  pain  ! 

For  when  it  grows  weak  and  is  empty — 
Why,  then  you  can  fill  it  again. 


AETS    AND    HA^vDS.  91 

Farewell !  take  this  gift  as  a  token 

Of  love,  hope,  and  constancy, 
And  when  thou  smell'st  it,  remember 

The  one  who  gave  it  to  thee. 

At  the  close  of  this  scentsless  poem  Jimmy 
Amory  remarked  that  it  would  be  impossible  to 
bestow  any  prizes,  inasmuch  as  three  essays  were 
written  by  Parson  Wilks,  and  the  remaining  pro- 
ductions appeared  to  be  anonymous,  and  as  a  mat- 
ter of  justice — 

Parson  Wilks  wanted  justice  done  though  the 
tavern  fell,  and  called  for  a  division  of  the  house  ; 
but,  inasmuch  as  considerable  subtraction  was 
going  on,  it  was  deemed  best  not  to  add  to  the 
difficulty  by  multiplying  words  ;  and  so  the  meet- 
ing adjourned,  Tommy  Jones  confiscating  the 
prizes. 

I  guess  I  could  tell  who  it  was  that  wrote  the 
essay  about  stoves,  and  the  poem.     But  I  am  too  • 
modest  to  even  hint  it. 

Baslifully  yours, 

R.  S.  Tkuesian. 


92  KLINKEE   COMES   TO   THE   6UKFACE. 


LETTER  XIV. 

KI.HSTKER    COMES    TO    THE    8UKFACE    WHOLLY    UNDIS- 
MAYED. 

Pine  Grove,  Oct.  19. 
Political. 

HAVE  dreaded  for  some  time  to  write 
you,  I  have  argued  the  case  with  my  con- 
science and  my  sense  of  duty,  and  have 
finally  readied  a  conclusion.  The  story  has  gone 
forth  that  my  political  influence  doesn't  amount  to 
a  row  of  hair-pins.  If  ill  reports  will  find  circu- 
lation, it  is  better  tliat  the  truth  be  told  by  an 
honest  man  (that  means  me)  than  that  lies  should 
go  nnrebuked.  Now,  hear  me  for  my  cause.  Our 
town  committee  issued  a  call  for  electing  dele- 
gates to  the  congressional  and  county  conventions 
week  before  last.  I  had  worked  Klinker  up  to 
his  fighting  mark,  and  he  had  agreed  to  go  in  for 
himself  for  Congress  and  secure  the  delegation 
from  his  own  towiL  So  when  the  meeting  con- 
vened he  went  to  work  in  his  own  interest,  and 


KLINKEK   COilES   TO    THE    SUKFACE.  93 

here  is  how  he  did  it.  lie  got  hold  of  an  old 
codger,  who  is  as  deaf  as  an  arithmetical  adder, 
and  took  him  off  through  the  crowd  out  of  sight. 
He  was  so  energetic  and  vivacious  about  it  that  I 
felt  greatly  encouraged,  went  to  work,  and  in 
five  minutes  had  received  twenty  promises  to  go 
for  Klinker's  delegation,  viz. :  Klinker  and  my- 
self. Well,  they  got  to  motioning  and  amending 
and  substituting  and  voting  until  I  lost  the  run  of 
the  thing,  and  before  I  knew  it  both  county  and 
congressional  delegates  had  been  appointed,  and 
neither  my  name  nor  that  of  Jolm  Klinker  had 
been  mentioned  or  appeared  on  the  list.  I  was 
mad,  I  was,  and  started  for  J.  K.  If  he  liad  only 
kept  in  the  bar-room  where  the  caucus  was  held 
I  know  we  could  have  carried  our  point,  but  I  had 
not  seen  him  since  he  went  out  with  the  old  slab 
whose  name  is  Milkins.  I  hunted  all  over  after 
that  fellow  through  the  tavern,  and  shed  and 
grocery,  but  no  Klinker  could  I  find.  At  last 
I  thouglit  of  his  barn  and  went  to  it.  I  found 
him.  He  was  there.  lie  had  old  Milkins  sit- 
ting on  a  box  trying  to  explain  to  him  about  the 
new  stove  he  had  been  inventing,  and  he  was  as 
red  in  the  face  as  the  sun  in  a  fog,  and  perspir- 
ing as  fearfully  as  a  soda  fountain  on  a  hot  day, 


94  KLINKER   COMES    TO    THE    SURFACE. 

trying  to  pound  into  that  old  fellow's  head  how 
the  stove  worked,  which,  being  deaf  and  feeble 
in  intellect,  Milkins  of  course  could  not  under- 
stand.    The  stove  is  a  neat  thing  anyway,  and 
I  do  not  blame  Klinker  for  being  in  love  with 
it.      The   fire   department   is   like   a   box  wood 
stove.     In  the  centre  there  is  a  sheet-iron  pipe 
two  feet  in  diameter  which  runs  up  j^erpendic- 
nlarly  about  ten  feet.     In  this  cylinder  you  place 
a  two-foot  log  of  any  length.     Crowd   it  down 
so   that   it   rests   on    the    bottom   of   the   stove. 
Build  your  fire  and  there  you  have  it.     As  the 
bottom  of  the  log-  burns  off  it  settles  down  and 
continues  burning,  just  like  a  base-burning  stove, 
of  which  I  have  seen  pictures  in  the  newspapers. 
Klinker  calculates  that  a  log  twenty  feet  long  will 
last  a  month.     When  the  ashes  that  accumulate 
weigh  exactly  fifteen  pounds,  the  weight  presses 
down  a  spring  door  in  the  bottom  of  the  stove, 
which  flies  back  to  its  place  as  soon  as  the  ashes 
fall  out.    There  is  also  an  ingenious  apparatus  at- 
tached to  the  stove  for  regulating  the  draft  and 
so  maintaining  an  even  temperature.    It  works  by 
the  hot  air  from  the  stove,  and  operates  similarly 
to  the  governor  on  a  steam-engine.     When  the 
heat  is  great  the  revolving  machine  runs  faster  and 


KLINKER   COMES    TO    THE    SURFACE.  95 

shuts  off  the  draft.  When  the  heat  gets  down,  the 
machine,  running  slower,  opens  the  draft.  How- 
ever, that  don't  matter  now.  I  talked  to  Klinker 
with  tears  in  my  eyes  about  deserting  me  in  the 
hour  of  trouble  and  injuring  his  own  canse,  but 
he  wouldn't  listen  to  me.  So  I  went  away,  leav- 
ing him  hard  at  work  trying  to  drive  an  explana- 
tion about  his  stove  into  that  old  wooden-headed 
Milkins,  I  gave  up  the  Klinker  job  at  once. 
He  was  too  heavy  a  load  to  carrj'.  I  am  sorry 
that  this  political  business  is  over  here,  as  I  fear 
it  is,  unless  things  run  close.  It  has  been  meat 
and  bread  for  some  of  us, 

LiTEEAKT. 

The  following  poem  was  written  by  my  eldest 
daughter,  and  was  intended  for  a  Fourth-of-Jnly 
present  to  her  little  sister.  Having  nothing  else, 
she  gave  this  poetry,  which  she  refers  to  only  as  a 
mere  "scratch,"  which  is  true  compared  to  some, 
of  her  other  efforts : 

CATEGORICAL PERHAPS   PARAGORICAL. 

To  my  little  sister  on  her  cat. 
I  muse  upon  thy  dearest  pet — 

What  fitter  theme  for  me  to  choose — 
And  while  my  fancy  takes  its  flight, 
Thy  darling  kitty  also  mews. 


OG  EXINKER  COMES   TO   THE    SUEFACE. 

Ah !  kitty  witli  celestial  eye, 

And  little  feet  going  to  and  fro  ; 
Thy  mistress  fondly  says  "  my  own," 

And  thou  dost  fondly  say  "  mi-auo." 

Thy  kitty  is  of  lustrous  hue, 
And  like  thyself  sweet  sleep  prefers ; 

Should  fortune  flee  thee,  well  I  know 
Thy  cat  would  share  with  thee  his  purrs. 

Ah  !  life  is  short  and  peace  is  sweet, 
Why  waste  them  when  I  wish  to  live  ? 

I  pause,  and  like  thy  kitty's  paws, 
A  scratch  is  all  I  have  to  give. 

CEOPPINGS. 

A2:)ples  are  our  best  hold  here  this  season. 
Plenty  of  apples  makes  cider  cheap  and  plenty. 
We  can  get  along  very  well  without  flour,  meal 
and  pork  as  long  as  cider  is  abundant,  but  when 
apple-juice  is  dear  and  scarce,  life  becomes  a  bur- 
den and  a  snare.  The  circumstance  is  more  for- 
tunate on  account  of  the  scarcity  of  water,  to  the 
drinking  of  which  many  are  addicted,  but  it  looks 
as  though  they  would  be  obliged  to  give  up  their 
hydropathic  practice  and  come  down  to  hard  cider. 
— Billy  Jones  run  a  sliver  into  his  foot  on  Sunday, 
which  his  teacher  thinks  is  a  judgment  upon  him 


KLINKER   COlVrES   TO   THE   SUKFACE.  97 

for  wliistlins:  in  church. — Mrs.  Strino-er  has  taken 
Johnny  out  of  the  district  school  on  account  of  her 
finding  something  in  his  head  besides  knowledge. 
■ — Somebody  stole  Parson  Wilkes'  umbrella  last 
week.  The  parson  says  whoever  it  is  has  got 
beautifully  sold.  It  is  an  imitation  umbrella  and 
only  made  to  be  carried  for  the  sake  of  appear- 
ance, and  not  for  use. 

R.  S.  Tkueman. 


98  AN    EA.KTIIQUAKE. 


LETTER  XV. 

AN  EAETHQUAKE  IN  WniCH  EVERYBODY  IS  SHOCKED. 

Ppne  Grove,  Oct.  27. 
The  Late  Convulsion. 


PAPER  published  in  your  city,  saj'S  that 
the  last  earthquake  was  not  felt  in  Monroe 
County  last  week  (Thursday).  I  desire  to 
say  that  that  statement  is  all  bosh,  Rochester  is 
only  a  part  of  Monroe  County,  and  the  worst  part 
at  that,  and  it  was  probably  considered  a  sujBi- 
cient  punishment  for  your  city  for  one  day  to  bo 
obliged  to  have  the  Democratic  county  convention, 
without  heaping  up  anotlier  terror  in  the  shajje  of 
an  earthquake.  So  Rochester  escaped ;  but  we  had 
it  bad  in  Pine  Grove,  which,  as  everybody  knows, 
is  in  Monroe  County.  About  11  o'clock  we  had 
our  first  shake-up,  which  was  only  a  premonition 
of  other  shocks  yet  to  cqme.  It  rattled  tlie  houses  a 
little,  knocked  down  a  few  things,  and  set  every- 
thing squealing.     Tommy  Jones  was  standing  in 


AN   EARTHQUAKE.  99 

the  tavern  door,  picking  his  teeth  with  a  fork,  and 
was  thrown  violently  against  the  casing,  which 
received  liim  on  his  nose  and  bent  the  fork  double. 
First  blood  for  the  earthquake.  At  first  he  thought 
Deacon  Amory  pushed  him,  for  the  deacon  was 
there,  having  dropped  in  a  moment  to  take  some- 
thing for  his  cold,  from  which  he  is  a  constant 
sufferer  and  has  to  medicate  himself  frecpiently 
with  Tommy  Jones's  spirits  to  keep  up  his  own. 
Tommy  turned  himself  around  as  mad  as  a  lunatic 
asylum  and  would  have  fetched  the  deacon  a  crack, 
and  in  fact  did  prepare  himself  so  to  do,  but  just 
then  the  earth  g£i\e  another  quake,  which  shook 
the  house  and  sent  them  both  reeling.  This  was 
a  severe  shock,  old  Milkins,  the  deaf  man,  remark- 
ing that  he  thought  the  wind  was  coming  up.  All 
the  tumblers  and  bottles  in  the  bar  came  rattling 
down,  and  at  least  twenty  shillings'  worth  of 
liquor  went  to  waste.  The  funniest  part,  though, 
was  that  the  convulsion  rij^ped  open  a  ^closet  door, 
and  out  tumbled  a  lot  of  old  traps,  and  among  them 
was  Parson  Wilks's  umbrella,  which  I  wrote  you 
in  my  last  had  been  stolen.  Deacon  Amory  wink- 
ed at  me  in  a  facetious  way,  and  I  reciprocated. 
"  Upon  my  word,"  says  Tommy, "  here's  the  par- 
son's umbrella.    How  queer !  "    And  it  was  queer. 


100  AN  EAETHQUAKE. 

Then  he  called  the  stable-boy  and  bade  him  cany 
the  article  home,  and  to  sav  it  had  been  found. 
Tommy's  face  was  as  red  as  his  front  door,  but  he 
never  offered  any  explanation.     It  did  not  need 
any.      In  the  grocery  store,  old  Mr.  Wren  had 
just  sat    down  en    a    wooden  bench,   when  the 
second  shock  came.     It    was  so   violent  that  it 
cracked  open  the  bench,  but  it  closed  right  off 
and  canght  "Wren  in  it.     It  was  painful  to  hear 
his  agonizing  shrieks,  and  we  concluded  that  some- 
thing besides  his  coat  was  caught  in  the  bench. 
He  rushed  out  of  doors,  dragging  the  bench  with 
him,  and  ran  round  and  round  in  a  circle,  howling 
like  an  Indian,  mitil  some  one  brought  an  axe  and 
released  him.      Mrs.  Stringer  was  just  yawning 
when  the  shock  came,  and  it  dislocated  her  jaw 
so  her  mouth  would  not  close,  and  she  was  obliged 
to  ride  three  miles  in  a  lumber  wagon   over  a 
rough  road,  with  her  mouth  stretched  open  to  its 
fullest  extent,  which  is  considerable,  to  get  a  doc- 
tor to  shut  it.     Matilda  Hooker  was  doing    up 
her  washing  at  the  time,  and  the  quake  set  her 
right  down  into  a  tub  of  hot  soap-suds.    She  didn't 
remain  therefor  any  length  of  time.     Betsy  Mc- 
Cracken  caught  her  wooden  leg  in  the  sidewalk, 
which  the  earthquake  caused  to  close  on  it,  and 


iSaa?£  O'/^ocjfJ'rq   OCCu/t/ftvci'^ ^/^ire  G/roVc.  .(J^ge  Joo.} 


AN   EAKTHQUAKE.  101 

was  unable  to  stir  until  Pat  Sweeny  got  a  saw 
and  sawed  her  leg  off  close  to  the  walk,  when 
the  McCracken  pegged  off,  looking  like  the  walk- 
ing-beam of  a  steamer  in  consequence  of  the  in- 
equality in  length  of  her  supporters.  Mehitabel 
Jenkins,  the  schoolma'am,  was  just  punishing 
a  little  boy  for  sassing,  and  was  holding  his 
hand  to  make  ready.  "When  the  shock  came 
it  threw  the  boy  away,  and  she  hit  herself  a 
terrific  blow  with  the  ruler  on  her  hand.  It 
must  have  hurt,  for  she  is  an  awful  blower. 
Considering  the  amount  of  shaking  done,  the 
damage  to  property  will  be  slight.  Fifteen  dol- 
lars I  should  judge  would  set  ns  all  right.  Four 
shingles  fell  off  from  Mr.  Dauy's  house,  and  two 
bricks  from  George  Low's  chimney.  Eleven 
panes  of  glass  were  broken  out  of  the  church, 
and  a  dozen  were  badly  damaged.  The  church 
trustees  had  a  meeting  about  it,  and  concluded  to 
putty  up  the  damaged  ones  and  let  the  others  go, 
as  they  would  help  to  ventilate  the  meeting-house. 
There  were  three  shocks  in  all,  but  the  last  did 
no  damage.  Many  thought  the  woi-ld  was  coming 
to  an  end,  and  were  very  much  frightened.  They 
soon  recovered  when  they  found  that  the  earth- 
quake had  come  to  an  end.     We  don't  think  we 


102  AN   EAETHQUAKE. 

like  them,  and  if  this  sort  of  thing  is  going  to  be 
established  as  a  rule,  we  propose  to  move  into  the 
next  county.  "VVe  cannot  afford  to  take  the 
chances. 

Yours  in  fear  and  trembling, 

R.  S.  TRUElVtAN. 


AN   ATTACK   OF    INSPreATION.  103 


LETTER  XVI. 

AN    ATTACK    OF    INSPEEATION — A    MISSIONARY    MAN 

PUTS  IN  A  DECIDED    APPEARANCE DEMONSTRATES 

TO  A  NICETY  THAT  PEOPLE  BEREFT  OF  EYESIGHT 
CANNOT  DETERMINE  WHETHER  ALL  THAT  GLITTERS 
IS  OR  IS  NOT  GOLD. 

Pine  Grove,  Nov.  2. 

Y  eldest  daughter  had  another  serious  at- 
^    tack  of   iiisj)iration  last  night,  with  the 
following  result : 

LIFE. 

Half  of  the  moon  shines  down  on  me 

To-night,  as  idly  on  the  gate, 
I,  swinging  to  and  fro,  lament 

My  useless  life  and  cruel  fate. 

Ah !  life  is  all  one  tedious  round 

Of  washing  dishes,  mopping  floors, 
Of  baking  beans  and  frying  pork. 

While  such  base  things  my  heart  deplores. 


104:  AN  ATTACK   OF   INSPIEATION, 

I  want  to  rise  above  all  this, 

And  dash  to  earth  the  grief  it  bringa  ; 
Lighter  than  pie-crust  let  my  soul 

Soar  far  above  such  grovelling  things. 

Call  you  this  living — this  base  kind 
Of  mere  existence — is  there  not 

Some  happier  clime  where  folks  don't  eat, 
Where  cooking  and  baking  are  forgot  ? 

Oh  visions  of  what  ought  to  be ! 

Oh  fancy  free,  thy  joys  are  dead — 
'Tis  useless  all,  alas  !  I  must 

Go  in  and  knead  the  needed  bread. 

Half  of  the  moon  shines  down  on  me, 
And  gently  o'er  me  falls  the  dew ; 

I  mustn't  stay  no  longer  for 

I'm  taking  cold,  and  so — atchieu  ! 


That  is  what  I  call  the  essence  of  true  poetry. 
I  may  not  be  a  number  one  judge  of  the  article, 
but  it  comes  up  to  my  standard  of  what  heart- 
soothing,  soul-subduing,  rhythmical  composition 
should  be.  The  authoress  (my  daughter)  intend- 
ed it  for  the  Atlantic  Monthly,  where  no  doubt, 
it  would  have  attracted  considerable  attention,  but 
I  prevailed  upon  her  to  give  me  a  copy,  after 
sending  her  to  bed  in  tears,  and  afterwards  find- 


AN   ATTACK   OF   INSPIRATION.  105 

ing  it  in  an  old  wi-i ting-book.   I  want  it  published 
where  true  merit  will  be  appreciated. 

Affairs  about  Town. 

On  Monday  an  ancient  chap  in  a  rusty  suit  of 
black  clothes  and  a  tall  hat  a  little  old,  but  still 
the  false  tile  came  over  to  the  grove  on  a  benevo- 
lent expedition.  He  made  a  little  address  to  the 
people  in  the  church  in  the  evening.  He  said  he 
had  heard  of  the  generous  spirit  that  pervaded 
the  hearts  and  homes  of  the  Pine  Grovers,  and  he 
had  now  come  to  put  it  to  the  test.  lie  wanted 
money  to  buy  Testaments  for  the  poor  Southern 
people,  who  were  pretty  well  used  uj)  spiritually, 
and  if  he  couldn't  get  money  he  would  take  pro- 
visions, furniture  and  clothing,  as  the  aforesaid 
were  pretty  well  used  up  bodily.  He  called  upon 
the  women  to  throw  their  jewels  and  fine  raiment 
into  the  treasury.  There  wasn't  any  throwing 
done,  as  the  women  about  here  haven't  very 
much  capital  invested  in  these  articles.  Then  he 
called  on  the  men  to  cast  in  their  mites,  and  when 
they  had  done  so  he  found  it  was  a  mighty  little 
cast.  He  then  sang  a  hymn,  during  which  feat 
all  the  people  who  didn't  go  out  when  the  contribu- 
tion-box was  passed  went  out,  so  that  the  church 


"7 


106  AN   ATTACK    OF    INSriIiATION, 

was  prett}^  effectually  cleared  by  the  time  he  had 
finished  the  first  verse.  After  this  the  ancient 
mariner  went  to  the  tavern,  where  the  boys  made 
him  buy  something,  and  the  contribution  went  the 
way  of  all  flesh,  and  tliey  had  to  put  him  to  bed, 
not  being  in  any  condition  to  personally  superin- 
tend that  operation.  It  seems  that  this  enthusias- 
tic man,  this  benevolent  person,  this  ardent  spirit, 
was  no  match  for  Tommy  Jones's  ardent  spirits. 
Then  the  boys,  being  playful,  burned  holes  in  his 
hat  with  a  red-hot  poker,  which  gave  it  the  appear- 
ance of  a  cullender  in  a  bad  state  of  repair.  After 
this  they  broke  open  his  satchel,  in  which  they 
found  a  pack  of  cards,  a  bunch  of  skeleton  kej's, 
an  empty  bottle,  and  a  few  letters  of  recommenda- 
tion, certifjaiig  that  the  bearer  was  sober,  honest, 
truthful,  and  the  possessor  of  all  the  cardinal  vir- 
tues, and  calling  upon  the  public  to  furnish  such 
a  worthy  object  all  the  aid  and  comfort  it  could 
spare  to  assist  him  in  his  benevolent  scheme. 
The  next  morning  he  departed  at  early  dawn, 
with  a  very  unfavorable  impression  of  the  people 
here. — Our  citizens  have  been  unable  to  make  up 
their  minds  which  way  to  vote,  and  are  ready  to 
negotiate  with  any  responsible  party.  We  are 
all  open  to  conviction,  but  it  looks  as  if  no  one 


AN   ATTACK   OF   INSPIEATION'.  107 

wanted  to  convict  us.  So  far,  it  lias  been  the 
driest  campaign  I  ever  saw. — Tlie  damages  done 
by  the  late  earthquake  have  been  neatly  repaired, 
except  poor  Mr.  Wren,  who  cannot  rest  easy  on 
his  mind  or  anything  else.  Klinker  is  getting  up 
an  instrument  for  foretelling  any  more  quakes, 
BO  that  in  future  everybody  will  have  an  oj^por- 
tunity  to  flee  to  the  mountains  before  the  circus 
commences.  His  new  stove  works  nicely,  and  he 
has  cut  his  entire  orchard  to  furnish  wood  to  run 
it  with. — It's  a  little  dull  here  now,  but  next 
week  we  are  going  to  have  a  temperance  concert 
and  lecture. 

Yours  expectantly, 

R.  S.  Tkueman. 


108      ANOTHEE   BATCn   OF   LITEJSAEY   CEUDITIES. 


LETTER  XYIl. 

ANOTHEE   BATCH    OF   LITEEAEY   CEUDITIES. 

Pine  Grote,  Nov.  6. 


could  not  stand  it  any  longer.     Nothing 
^^^    to  do  but  what  we  must  have  another  trial 
of  speed  on  the  essay  question,  so  Jimmy 
Amory  said  if  Pine  Grove  would  become  amen- 
able to  the  law  of  decency,  and  no  party  furnish 
but  one  essay,  he  would  set  the  bawl  in  motion. 
(Jimmy  tries  to  be  funny  sometimes  in  a  poor  way.) 
Accordingly  he  gave  notice  that  the  late  perform- 
ance would  be  repeated  with  an  entire  change  of 
programme,  and  that  prizes  would  be  given  ac- 
cording to  the  law  of  public  opinion,  as  made  man- 
ifest by  a  majority  of  the  audience.     So  last  even- 
ing Tommy  Jones's  ball-room  resounded  with  the 
hum  of  many  voices,  until  Jimmy  Amory  said  that 
the  resounding  must  now  cease.     After  the  usual 
scuffing   of  feet,   and    clearing  of   throats,    and 
Btraightening  up  on  the  benches,  there  came  a 
dead  silence,  and  in  the  luidst  of  it  Jimmy  lifted 


ANOTHER   BATCH    OF   LITER AKY    CRUDITIES.      109 

up  Ill's  flute-like  voice,  and  read  the  essays  pro- 
miscuoiislj  as  follows : 

The  Reign  of  the  Artificers. 

Now  that  the  winter  of  our  discontent  has  been 
made  glorious   summer  by  the  sun  that  shines 
for  all,  the  footsteps  of  an  advancing  host  can 
j)lainl3'  be  heard.    This  army  of  Egyptian  spoilers, 
having  hibernated   successfully,  now"  begins  its 
summer  campaign.     This  retinue  of  masons,  of 
carpenters,  of  painters,  of  laborers  of  all  kinds 
and  descriptions,  refreshed  by  the  new  wine  of 
temporary  repose,  sharpen  their  implements  and 
prepare  to  charge.     We  are  prepared  to  repulse 
them  ?     By  no  means.    Far  from  such  thoughts, 
vain  world.     We  welcome  thcMi  with  smiles  and 
also  with   trembling.     We  are  dependent   upon 
them  for  good  offices.     We  back  our  money  (all 
we  can  raise)  against  their  labor  (as  little  as  pos- 
sible).   We  will  suppose  that  you  are  a  person  of 
industry  and  frugality,  and  that,  after  many  ^'eai'S 
of  toil  and  perseverance,  you  have  succeeded  in 
becoming  sole  owner  of  a  sum  of  money — no  mat- 
ter how  much— and  that  in  addition  to  this,  3'ou 
are  possessed  of  a  desire  to  improve  the  appear- 
ance of   vour   ancestral  halls.     Your   plans  are 


110      ANOTHER   BATCH    OF   LITERARY   CRTJDITIES. 

somewhat  vague,  but  you  are  supposed  to  know 
in  general  what  you  want.     You  take  counsel  at 
first  with  some  one  who  has  the  reputation  of  be- 
ing posted— it  doesn't  take  much  capital  to  ac- 
quire such  a  repute — and  you  go  over  with  him 
all    the  items  of   improvements  jou.  propose  to 
make.     Your  ineffable  g-enius  and  liij-htnina:  cal- 
culator  makes  his  figures  and  announces  the  re- 
sult, which  will  usually  be  about  a  third  more 
than  you  anticipated.     However,  being  a  deter- 
mined  character,  you  are   only  astonished,   not 
appalled,  and  begin  proceedings  at  once  that  the 
work  may  go  bi-avely  on.      You  are  refei-red  to  a 
mason,  who  will  come  next  week,  or  next  month, 
or  next  any  other  time,  and  as  he  is  the  only  one 
you  can  find  who  will  promise  to  come  at  all,  you 
close  with  him  at  once.     You  engage  a  carpenter 
on   the   same    accommodating    terms,   and    that 
there  be  no  reason  for  delay  (such  vain  delusion) 
order   your   materials    and   prepare   for  action. 
Everything    is    ready  —  all  but.      Your   mason 
doesn't   come   to  time ;    neither   does  your  car- 
penter;  neither   does   anybody   else;    and   you 
begin  to  experience  what  waiting  against  hope 
means.     If  your  nature  be  gentle  and  confiding, 
you  will  graciously  accept  the  situation,  and  abide 


AlfOTUER   BATCH    OF    LITERARY   CRUDITIES.    Ill 

the  coming  of  the  rulers  in  patience,  in  meekness, 
and  in  hope.  At  last,  when  everybcjdy  else  has 
been  thoroughly  waited  upon,  and  the  last  excuse 
exhausted,  your  hewei'S  of  wood  and  handlers  of 
mortar  put  in  an  appearance.  You  are  not  long 
in  discovei'ing  that  the  material  you  so  carefully 
and  expeditiously  ordered  is  not  the  thing  at  all ; 
that  it  will  not  do  ;  that  you  (jught  to  have  known 
better  ;  and  that  Mr.  A.  B.  C,  and  all  the  rest  of 
the  alphabet  except  Z,  could  have  furnished  you 
with  what  was  wanted  at  much  lower  prices. 
Your  pride  being  sufficiently  humbled,  your  spirit 
broken,  your  suggestions  sneered  at,  your  ignor- 
ance scoffed  at,  and  yourself  put  in  as  great  torture 
as  your  gentle  nature  is  capable  of  sustaining, 
you  despairingly  tell  your  jack  of  trades  to  go 
on  and  push  the  thing  through  at  your  expense 
and  at  any  cost,  in  the  way  that  seemeth  best  to 
him,  and  if  you  have  any  doubt  as  to  the  result, 
especially  as  to  the  cost  part,  examine  the  bill  that' 
will  roll  in  upon  you,  and  be  forever  undeceived. 

Pernicious  Efects  of  Early  Kislng. 

"  Early  to  bed, 
Early  to  rise 
Makes  one  " — 

[Superannuated  minstrel. 


112    ANOTHER   BATCH    OF    LITERARY   CRUDITIES. 

The  lark  is  up  to  meet  the  sun, 

The  bee  is  on  the  wing, 
I  hear  a  knock — 'tis  eight  o'clock, 

But  to  my  bed  I  cling. 

[Modern  lay. 


Whether  the  authors  of  the  above  classical  poems 
speak  from  experience  or  draw  their  conclusions 
from  the  observations  of  other  enthusiastic  ad- 
mirers of  nature,  is  a  matter  of  supreme  indiffer- 
ence ;  the  probabilities  being  that  the  composer 
was  only  a  night  editor  whose  opinion  on  such 
matters  ousht  to  be  thrown  out  under  the  rule. 
One  has  only  to  observe  the  passengers  on  a  night 
train  when  daylight  doth  appear  to  form  an  opin- 
ion on  this  subject.  Cross,  crabbed,  ugly,  cap- 
ricious, fault-finding,  snappish,  terribly  boorish 
and  unwarrantably  impolite,  what  conclusion  can 
the  observer  otherwise  draw  than  that  an  early 
hour  is  not  propitious  to  the  development  of  the 
milk  of  human  kindness  ?  Here  is  another  little 
ditty,  with  modern  improvements  taken  from  the 
land  knows  where,  and  written  by  the  land  knows 
who: 

He  who  would  thrive 
Must  rise  at  five. 


ANOTHER   BATCH   OF   LITERARY    CRUDITIES.    113 

If  this  be  true,  then 

Who  would  thrive  more 
Must  rise  at  four. 

Hence 

He  who  would  more  thriving  be 

Must  rouse  himself  at  the  hour  of  three  ; 

And  he  who  would  still  better  do 

Must  leave  his  bed  at  the  stroke  of  two. 
Therefore 

He  who  would  not  be  outdone 

Must  rouse  himself  at  hour  of  one. 
Grand  sunmiimg  up : 

Who  would  do  better  than  tliem  all 

Must  never  go  to  bed  at  aU — 

which  neither  holds  to  rhyme  nor  reason.  Now, 
the  last  conclusion  being  fallacious,  and  the  chain 
of  reasoning  having  been  logically  followed,  the 
first  premise  must  be  wrong,  ergo:  He  who 
would  not  thrive  must  rise  at  five.  As  for  late 
rising  being  a  waste  of  time,  it  is  untrue,  for  those 
who  rise  early,  retire  early,  while  those  who  be- 
gin the  day  late  take  time  on  the  other  end  of  it, 
and  so  nothing  is  lost.  And  so  with  Sancho 
Panza's  blessings  on  the  man  who  invented  sleep, 
and  a  trivial  tribute  to  Lamb,  who  once  remarked, 
concerning  early  rising,  that  he  could  make  up 
his  mind,  but  he  could  not  make  up  his  body,  the 


114    ANOTHEE    BATCH    OF    LITERAKT    CRUDITIES. 

fruitful  therao  is  left  to  the  ponderings  of  tlie 
wise,  the  meditations  of  the  wiser,  and  the  calm 
considerations  of  the  wisest. 


Terrors  of  the  Unfortunate. 

The  number  of  people  who  take  delight  in  let- 
ter-writing, after  a  close  and  unsuccessful  count, 
is  estimated  at  500,000.  The  remainder  of  the 
inhabitants — somewhere  among  the  40,000,000 — 
belong  to  the  class  whose  emotions  on  this  subject 
are  of  an  entirely  different  nature.  Among  the 
former  portion,  the  writing  mania  sets  in  strongly 
at  sixteen,  progresses  beyond  all  calculation  for 
five  years,  and  then  suddenly  collapses.  Occa- 
sionally the  fever  runs  from  three  to  ten  years, 
with  irregular  recurrences  after  that  period.  Of 
course  there  are  Micawberian  exceptions  with 
whom  the  habit  becomes  inveterate,  and  who  lin- 
ger out  an  epistolary  existence  to  torture  their 
acquaintances,  confound  their  enemies,  and  keep 
their  friends  in  a  state  of  continued  suspense  and 
increasing  irritability.  Viewed  abstractly,  there 
are  few  who  do  not  delight  in  receiving  letters. 
It  is  a  cheap  sort  of  joy,  and  therefore  the  greater 
enhanced.     But  the  receiving  of  these  self -same 


AKOTHEE   BATCH   OF   LITERARY   CRTTDITIES.    115 

letters  carries  with  it  a  moral  obligation  to  answer 
them  at  once.  Xow  trouble  begins.  The  lady  or 
gentleman  not  given  to  undue  correspondence  will 
find  that  the  preconceived  ideas  (if  such  they  have) 
of  the  simplicity  of  the  task  are  greatly  overdrawn 
when  the  time  arrives  for  action.  The  answer 
will  usually  begin  with  a  statement  of  the  mani- 
fest fact  that  the  writer  now  sits  down  and  takes 
]iis  pen  in  hand  to  write  a  few  lines.  This  is  fol- 
lowed up  by  a  hygienic  allusion  combined  with 
hope,  a  reference  to  the  state  of  the  weather  past 
and  present,  and  here  the  writer  comes  to  a  gap 
in  the  hedge  of  his  ideas  impossible  to  bridge  over. 
Therefore  there  is  a  dead  pause.  If  more  can  be 
written  by  the  bewildered  brain,  why,  so  much  the 
more  to  be  thankful  for  ;  if  not,  the  writer  closes 
jn  great  haste  for  the  ostensible  purpose  of  catch- 
ing the  mail,  which  if  not  caught  at  once  cannot 
be  caught  at  all.  Ah !  men  and  brethren,  have 
we  not  reason  to  cry  out  against  the  advancing 
strides  of  education  ?  The  more  learning  the  more 
letters,  and  with  increased  letters,  increased  mis- 
ery. Can  we  consent  to  such  a  sacrifice  ?  Hardy 
perpetrators  of  epistolary  compositions  at  last  will 
rule  the  day,  and  we,  who  are  sufferers,  must  re- 
ceive their  literary  blows  in  silence,  unable  to  re- 


116    ANOTHER   BATCH   OF   LITERARY   CRUDITIES. 

spond.     The  pen  is  mitey-er  than  the  sword  in 
size,  but  in  effects — ah  me  ! 

SuiviMER  Work. 

"  Up  in  the  morning." 

Earl  Y.  Rizer, 

The  day  of  seed-time  has  arrived.  We  who 
love  the  bounteous  gifts  that  nature's  hand  will 
shower  upon  us  must  prepare  to  shake  that  hand 
to  secure  that  shower.  Tlierefore,  at  early  dawn, 
when  the  cool  breeze  of  morning  is  lightly  stir- 
ring the  tree-tops,  and  the  birds,  having  piped  their 
matins,  are  making  preparations  for  an  early  break- 
fast, we  will  shoulder  our  horticultural  implements 
and  hie  us  forth  to  our  gardens.  We  will  upturn 
the  prolific  soil  with  ready  spade,  arrange  the 
beds  with  a  housekeeper's  art,  and,  the  primary 
operations  concluded,  carefully  line  the  ground 
and  sow  the  seeds.  We  will  have  lettuce,  spinach, 
peas,  beans,  parsnips,  onions,  potatoes,  corn,  cab- 
bage, and  all  the  other  little  et  ceteras  that  a  fer- 
tile mind  can  imagine,  or  a  fertile  soil  produce. 
It  is  finished.  The  garden  is  complete  and  wo 
will  wait  in  patience  the  anticipated  result.  We 
will  fold  our  hands  in  happy  consciousness  that 
our  labor  for  the  season  is  over  and  naught  remains 


ANOTHEK   BATCH    OF   LITEKAKT   CRUDITIES.    117 

but  the  coming  of  tlie  harvest.     That  is — if  we 
only  could.    But  ah !  in  place  of  the  tender  plant- 
tops,  noxious  weeds  will  creep  forth — weeds  that 
in  a  few  weeks,  if  unmolested,  will  rival  Jack's 
bean-pole  ;  knotty  grasses  will  start  up  unbidden, 
sunflowers  and  holy  hocks  will  usurp  the  place  of 
vines,  the  bugs  will  tamper  with  your  squashes, 
the  parasites  with  your  cabbages,  the  hens  with 
your  corn,  and  whatever  else  may  be  overlooked 
by  these  indefatigable    workers  the  worms  will 
kindly  care  for.      So  the  man  who  goeth  forth  at 
early  summer-tide  with  joy  in  his  heart,  will  find, 
ere  that  summer  is  over,  if  he  would  enjoy  the 
results  of  anticipation,  that  he  must  wage  contin- 
ual warfare  with  vegetable  and  animal  enemies, 
and  must  expect  a  di'outh  where  he  would  have 
rain ;  a  wet  season  where  a  dry  one  would  be  pre- 
ferred, and  must  submit  with  the  meekest  of  re- 
signation to  all  that  can  sorely  try  one's  spirit, 
and  if  successful  throuiirh  all  these  adversities  in 
conquering  his  temper,  may  set  himself  down  as 
one  highly  favored,  and  as  the  possessor  of  a  dis- 
position not  many  degrees  removed  from  angelic 
sweetness. 


118  another  batch  of  literary  crudities. 

Summer  Sport. 

Next  to  passive  enjoyment  of  beautiful  days 
and  the  quiet  pleasure  of  the  sweet  twilight,  when 
the  larapwick  of  day  is  slowly  turned  down  to 
the  complete  extinguishment  of  light,  and  the 
brooding  darkness  coming  on  becomes  more  and 
more  visible,  are  the  more  active  out-of-door 
amusements.  Foremost  in  rank  stands  our  great 
national  "Juggernaut,"  base-ball,  whose  ponder- 
ous wheels  have  mutilated  so  many  tender  fingers, 
injured  so  many  susceptible  noses,  and  caused 
BO  many  unfortunate  eyes  to  be  filled  with  tears  of 
anguish.  Here  is  devotion  unalloyed.  Through 
scenes  of  terrible  excitement  and  unabated  en- 
thusiasm, of  glorious  victory  and  crushing  defeat, 
through  storm  and  sunshine  the  devotee  follows 
the  mazy  changes  of  the  spherical  dance  day 
after  day,  until  the  chilly  blasts  of  winter  put  an 
end  to  the  high-pressure  state  of  existence,  and 
he  settles  down  to  the  calm  realities  of  winter 
life,  or  fights  again  with  ready  tongue  the  battles 
that  the  summer  lost  and  won.  Not  content  with 
all  this,  he  must  have  his  state  assemblings  and 
his  national  conventions,  until  the  institution  has 


AITOTHEE   BATCH    OF   LITEEAKY   CRUDITIES.    119 

been  raised  to  might  and  glorj,  and  wields  a 
sceptre  whose  power  is  felt  from  freestone  walls 
to  cabin  homes.  But  still  more  qniet  and  dearer 
yet  to  the  feminine  heart  stands  the  no  less  na- 
tional game  of  croqnet.  Ilei'e  do  the  maidens  all 
forlawn  seek  for  that  refreshing  of  intellect  and 
soothing  of  spirit  that  the  inside  world  can  never 
give.  From  early  morn  to  close  of  day  the  con- 
tinuous clicking  may  be  heard,  accompanied  with 
peals  of  laughter  as  of  victory,  and  murmurings 
of  disappointment  as  of  defeat ;  showing  how  the 
mimic  warfare,  like  the  great  battle  of  life, 
rages  and  progresses.  And  for  those  who,  dis- 
daining these  popular  pastimes,  seek  for  other 
enjoyments  wherewith  to  recruit  their  weary 
bodies,  there  yet  remaineth  the  soothing  labor  of 
angling  in  grassy  pools  where  most  the  fish  do 
congregate,  and  where,  under  the  shade  of  over- 
hanging trees,  whose  leafy  branches  kiss  the 
waters,  we  will  drink  in  the  calm  serenity  to  the 
fill  in  o;  of  our  souls  and  the  satisfaction  of  our  in- 
most  natures.  Of  course  we  will.  Still  further, 
we  will  go  forth  at  early  dawn  with  numerous 
M^arlike  trappings  and  accoutrements,  with  the 
edict  of  death  against  all  kind  of  feathered  fowl 
flashing  from  our  glittering  eyes.     Through  the 


120    AITOTIIER   BATCH   OF   LITERARY   CRUDITIES. 

hot  siinsliine  we  will  di'ag  our  way  over  hill  and 
plain,  through  wood  and  morass,  and  at  night- 
fall homeward  plod  our  weary  way  with  praises 
or  maledictions  on  our  lips,  as  our  success  may 
warrant,  or  the  condition  of  our  game-bags  make 
apparent. 

AVhen  he  had  concluded,  and  the  people  were 
fairly  awake,  he  announced  that  he  would  first 
exhibit  the  prizes,  and  would  then  proceed  to 
take  the  sense  of  the  meeting. 

The  first  prize  was  a  metal  casket,  for  the  en- 
tombing of  the  material  which  cheers  but  inebri- 
ates not,  known  as  a  tea  canister.  The  second 
prize  consisted  of  a  metallic  trumpet,  commonly 
called  a  dinner  horn.  The  third  prize  was  an 
elegant  circular  pin-cushion. 

Well,  they  voted  and  voted,  but  no  essay  had  a 
majority,  and  the  meeting  finally  became  so  much 
demoralized,  that  Tommy  Jones  put  out  the 
lights,  which  put  out  the  people  so  much  that  they 
simultaneously  adjourned,  but  not  before  some- 
body succeeded  in  becoming  the  unlawful  pos- 
sessors of  the  prizes. 

Honestly  yours, 

E.  S.  Trueman. 


POETICAL,  BUT  PKACTICAL.         121 


LETTER  XYIII. 

INCLESTES   TO    THE    POETICAL,    BUT    GRIMLY    SUBSIDES 
rSTO   THE   PRACTICAL. 


Pine  Grove,  Ifov.  9, 


fcA,.  %SS^  Literary. 


i5»' 


^l!*!!  Y  daughter  having  had  such   good  luck 

^^r^    in  writing  poetry,  the  idea  struck  me  that 

her  talents  in  this  line  must  be  inherited 

> 

and  I  concluded  to  try  my  hand  at  it.  I  didn't 
find  it  so  easy  as  I  had  supposed,  but  I  worked 
it  out,  and  here  is  the  result  of  my  week's  labor : 

ON  early  rising. 

"  The  early  worm  gets  caught." 

— Birds  and  Worms. 

Let  those  delight  to  get  up 

At  early  dawn  of  day  ; 
Before  the  east  is  lit  up 

And  darkness  fades  away — but  I  don't  delight 
in  any  such  performances. 

You  might  as  well  sit  down  to 

Your  dinner  before  it's  done, 

As  to  think  of  going  to  working 

Before  the  rising  sun — beffin-t?  his  work,  just 
exactly. 

6 


122  POETICAL,    BUT    PRACTICAL. 

It's  well  enough  for  roosters, 

And  other  birds  of  prey, 
To  get  all  through  their  crowing 

WhUe  honest  people  lay — in  bed  asleep,  hap- 
pily unconscious  of  the  rumpus. 

It's  better  to  be  sleeping, 

Forgetting  toil  and  care, 
Till  breakfast  is  all  ready, 
Than  to    get  up  and  swear — at  the  wet  kin- 
dlings and  no  water  in  the  tea-kettle. 

There's  one  thing  you  can  bet  on, 

I've  always  found  it  so  ; 
Your  own  experience  '11  back  me 

In  what  I  say,  I  know — and  that  is  this 

You  can't  be  half  so  wicked 

Where  you  don't  get  up  till  11, 
As  you  can  when  you  quit  snoozing 
About  the  hour  of  7 — for  don't  you  see,  you 
haven't  as  much  time  to  be  wicked  in,  into  four  hours  or  so. 

Oh  yes,  I'll  take  my  chances. 

And  lay  abed  tiU  noon. 
For  it's  better  to  get  up  late 

Than  a  couple  of  hours  too  soon — and  I  ought 
to  know,  for  I've  tried  it  these  forty  years. 

I  guess  I  do  uot  care  about  writing  any  more 
poetry.  It's  a  little  out  of  my  line,  and,  although 
I  am  convinced  that  I  am  the  happy  possessor  of 


POETICAL,   BUT   PKACTICAL.  123 

no  small  amount  of  poetical  talent,  yet  I  appear 
to  fail  in  the  faculty  of  putting  it  in  the  right 
shape. 

THE  ELECTION. 

The  Democrats  in  the  State  seem  to  have  put 
their  thumb  into  the  political  pie  and  pulled  out 
the  plum  of  success,  like  the  Johnny  Horner  we 
used  to  hear  about  in  nursery  days.  But  they 
failed  to  carry  our  town,  although  desperate 
measures  were  resorted  to.  Pine  Grove  is  true 
to  her  flag,  and  that  standard  sheet  will  forever 
float  where  falls  the  foe  but  breathes  before  us. 
Our  greatest  fight  was  on  justice  of  sessions 
We  had  learned  some  days  previous  to  the  elec- 
tion that  determined  efforts  would  be  made  to 
defeat  our  candidate  for  that  ofiice,  and  we  were 
prepared  to  meet  with  strenuous  opposition. 
Being  forewarned  we  were  forearmed.  We  went 
quietly  to  work  and  made  a  bargain  with  T. 
Jones,  our  leading  Democrat,  to  get  us  votes  for 
justice,  and  we  would  reciprocate  on  Assembly. 
Jones  bit,  and  we  worked  in  that  way  all  day 
long.  At  night  we  found  that  our  num  was 
ahead  of  his  ticket.     Thus  did  we  demolish  the 


124  POETICALj   BUT   PKACTICAL. 

infamous  attempt  of  the  Democrats  to  defeat  our 
candidate  for  les^al  honors.  I  fear  that  our  As- 
semblyman is  beaten,  but  we  have  no  news  from 
other  parts  of  the  district. 

Believe  me, 

Er.  S.  Trueman. 


A   DAY   OF   FEASTING.  125 


LETTER  XIX. 

A    DAY   OF   FEASTING APPROPRIATE   CEREMONIES. 

Pine  Grote,  Na.,  JSfov.  29. 
Apologetical. 


lYES  there  a  man  with  sonl  so  dead,  who 
ever  t®  himself  has  said,  it's  nicer  far  to 
write  a  letter  in  place  of  doing  something 
better  than  to  enjoy  these  pleasant  days,  and  amuse 
yourself  in   other  ways.     I  am  no  such  a  man, 
and  hence  I  have  written  no  communications  for 
a  long  time,  but  devoted  myself  solely  and  exclu- 
sively to  the  zealous  observance  of  sunny  weatlier 
and  weak  indigo-colored  shies,  and  could  not  af- 
ford to  make  literary  hay  while  the  sun  shone. 
But  now  as  revengeful  winter  is  about  to  clasp  its 
fingers  around  the  throat  of  dying  summer,  I  de- 
scend once  more  into  the  sphere  of  literature  and 
proceed  to  business. 


126  A   DAY   OF   FEASTING. 


Thanksgiving. 


You  onglit  to  have  been  here  last  Thursday. 
Pine  Grove  is  famous  for  high  old  times  among 
the  boys,  but  she  outdid  herself  on  this  occasion. 
We  had  church  in  the  morning,  and  Parson  Wilks 
preached  a  beautiful  sermon,  drawing  water  from 
the  well  of  every  sympathetic  heart.  It  was  no- 
ticed, however,  that  the  crying  ceased  before  the 
contribution  box  was  passed ;  and  the  sensitive 
hearts  were  steejjed  in  figurative  vinegar,  which 
communicated  its  acidity  to  the  countenances  of 
all  who  had  been  so  deej^ly  affected  by  the  touch- 
ing words  of  their  pastor.  The  singing  was  toler- 
ably good,  so  to  speak.  It  was  a  piece  by  one  of 
the  old  schoolmasters  in  mnsic — no  one  with  whom 
I  am  acquainted.  There  were  fourteen  solos,  and 
more  than  a  million  duets  and  trios,  by  actual 
count,  and  it  wound  up  with  a  great  gush  of 
wholesale  melody,  that  set  all  our  teeth  chattering. 
It  must  have  been  delightful  to  any  one  who  could 
a2:)preciate  that  kind  of  thing ;  but  for  my  own 
part,  I  like  such  liynnis  as  "  Old  Hundred,"  and 
"  Coronation,"  and  "  Dundee,"  where  the  people 
take  a  hand  in,  and  where  the  vox  jpopuli  can  be 


A   D4.Y   OF   FEASTING.  127 

heard  in  glorious  strains,  and  pretty  hard  strain- 
ino  it  takes,  too,  to  sins;  them  risrht.  Church  beins; 
over,  the  people  returned  to  their  homes.  I  could 
not  fail  to  notice  that  everybody  who  attended 
church  had  been  invited  out  to  dinner,  and  were 
able  to  go  to  meeting  in  consequence,  while  all 
those  people  who  gave  dinner  parties  had  to  stay 
home  and  make  ready  for  the  feast.  In  the  even- 
ing, the  Society  for  the  Amelioration  of  Human 
Vanities  held  their  annual  meeting  at  the  tavern 
of  Tommy  Jones.  At  some  future  time  I  may 
write  you  more  fully  concerning  the  aims  and  ob- 
jects of  this  beneficent  association,  but  present 
time  and  space  forbid.  The  society  is  composed 
of  twelve  of  our  leading  citizens,  and  on  every 
Thanksgiving  night  they  have  a  supper.  So  they 
duly  assembled,  and  the  provisions  disappeared  in 
a  masterly  style.  Then  Pai-son  Wilks  voted  him- 
self unanimously  into  the  chair,  and  Tommy  Jones 
Bet  up  the  cider.  The  parson  briefly  reviewed  the 
transactions  of  the  society  for  the  past  year,  and 
complained  bitterly  of  the  want  of  funds  to  prose- 
cute the  «:ood  work.  The  amount  received  for  the 
last  six  months  would  hardly  pay  for  the  evening's 
entertainment.  lie  said  that  this  day  of  Thanhs- 
giving  was  a  glorious,  an  immortal  day.     It  was 


128  A  DAY    OF   FEASTING. 

a  day  that  affected  the  interests  of  all  the  world, 
for  were  not  Turkey,  Greece,  and  China  involved 
in  its  celebration  ?  He  said  that  grass  was  green 
and  that  skies  were  blue  ;  that  flowers  bloomed  in 
the  spring  and  died  in  the  fall ;  that  rapid  rivers 
ran  swiftly,  and  tlie  Erie  canal  scarcely  moved ; 
and  when  he  had  said  these  things  he  thouo-lit  he 
had  said  enough  (as  indeed  he  had),  and  sat  down. 
After  this  the  regular  toasts  were  propounded.  1. 
By  George  Low :  "  The  age  we  most  love — saus- 
age." Received  with  applause,  it  being  pertinent  to 
the  occasion,  the  staple  referred  to  having  formed 
a  portion  of  the  feast.  II.  By  Deacon  Amory : 
''  Persons  of  tender  feelings — pickpockets." — Re- 
sponded to  by  Parson  Wilks,  who  said  he  had  been 
trying  to  pick  the  financial  wool  from  liis  flock 
for  benevolent  purposes  with  limited  success,  and 
his  feelings  were  sore  upon  this  point.  He  thank- 
ed the  honorable  gentleman  for  thus  alluding  to 
him.  III.  By  Jimmy  Amory  :  "  Why  is  the  sigh 
I  breathe  for  thee  like  a  certain  kind  of  dramatic 
representation  ?  Because  it's  a  pant-o'-raine."  The 
propounder  was  hustled  out  of  the  room,  and  served 
him  right.  IV,  By  Captain  Long:  "Weather 
profits — trading  your  old  umbrella  for  a  new  one." 
Responded  to  by   Tommy   Jones   with  his  fist. 


A   DAY   OF   FEASTING.  129 

Tommy  thought  it  was  personal,  on  account  of 
Parson  Wilks's  umbrella,  which  had  been  missing 
for  some  time,  having  been  found  concealed  in 
Tommy's  bar-room,  a  full  and  reliable  account  of 
which  will  be  found  in  my  letter  about  the  eartli- 
qualvc.  V.  By  R.  L.  Dany :  "  The  dark  ages — 
colored  centenarians."  Parson  AVilks,  mellowed 
with  cider,  arose  for  an  explanation.  lie  desired 
to  ask  the  forgiveness  of  the  friend  of  his  bosom, 
Thomas  Jones,  in  ever  having  considered  him  as 
having  stolen  his  umbrella ;  and  here,  being  en- 
tirely overcome,  he  fell  upon  Tommy's  neck  and 
boo-hooed  like  a  great  calf.  YI.  By  Tommy 
Jones :  "  Parson  Wilks — the  noblest  '  Kum'un  '  of 
them  all."  Responded  to  by  the  Parson,  in  tears. 
VII.  By  Mrs.  Jones'  servant  gal.  This  toast  was 
brought  in,  well  buttered,  in  covered  dishes,  and 
the  society,  moistening  it  in  its  tea,  enjoyed  it  bet- 
ter than  any  of  the  other  toasts  yet  offered.  YIII. 
By  Mrs.  Jones  herself :  "  Come,  now,  git  right 
out  of  this.  It's  12  o'clock,  and  you  ought  to  be 
ashamed  of  yourselves — guzzling  and  stuffing 
yourselves  like  boy  constructors."  Tiie  meeting 
adjourned. 

R.  S.  TliUEMAN. 


6* 


130  THE   PEESENT   DAY. 


LETTER  XX. 

THE   PRESENT   DAY — UPRISING   OF   THE   PEOPLE. 

Pine  Grove,  Bee.  26. 
All  ABOUT  a  Big  Christmas  Tree. 

% 

E  had  a  little  Christmas  of  oiir  own  over 
liere  yesterday,  and  the  celebration  passed 
off  in  great  style.  There  was  service  at  5 
A.M.,  and  I  am  instructed  to  state  that  the  attend- 
ance was  limited  and  the  exercises  chilly.  The  prin- 
ci]3al  reason  for  holding  it  at  such  an  early  hour  was 
to  ascertain  how  many  were  true  to  their  religious 
professions  and  duties.  Besides,  the  church  was 
to  have  a  Christmas  tree  in  the  afternoon,  and  all 
the  time  that  could  be  found  was  wanted  to  get 
things  in  readiness.  Our  congregation  is  scattered, 
many  of  them  living  five  miles  away,  and  it  was 
thought  best  to  have  the  tree  on  Sunday  afternoon, 
that  all  might  be  present.  As  this  was  the  first 
Christmas  tree  the  Pine  Groverse\'er  had,  the  ex- 


THE   PRESENT   DAY.  131 

citement  about  it  was  intense.  General  instruc- 
tions had  been  issued  the  previous  M-eek  as  to  its 
object  and  uses,  several  committees  appointed, 
and  the  matter  was  pretty  well  understood.  Par- 
son Wilks,  in  making  the  announcement  the  Sun- 
day previous,  begged  the  people  not  to  forget 
their  faithful  pastor.  The  Sunday-school  scholars 
were  privately  informed  by  their  several  teachers 
that  each  was  expected  to  make  a  present  to  his 
teacher  under  pain  of  expulsion.  It  looked  a  little 
arbitrary,  but  business  is  business.  In  expecta- 
tion of  a  laro-e  attendance  all  the  chairs  tliat  could 
be  borrowed  in  the  neiii:hborhood  were  ranc-ed 
in  the  aisles  and  galleries,  and  a  limited  number 
of  tickets  issued.  I  i-egret  to  say  that  more  per- 
jury and  chicanery,  and  all  manner  of  tongue 
wickedness,  were  committed  by  this  people  last 
week  for  the  purj^ose  of  procuring  the  said  tickets 
than  was  ever  indulged  in  by  any  Christian  com- 
munity of  equal  size  and  intelligence,  at  any  time 
or  for  any  reason,  in  the  United  States.  And 
what  I  say  I  mean.  It  was  a  noble  field  for  col- 
porteurs. The  church  was  trimmed  voi-y  hand- 
somely. There  were  strings  stretched  across  it 
w'ithflagsof  different  nations — but  chiefly  United 
States — suspended  therefrom,  and  a  unique  col- 


132  THE    TKESENT   DAY. 

lection  of  looking-glasses  and  pictures  hung  around 
the  sides.  Perhaps  there  were  almost  too  many 
insurance  advertisements,  but  they  helped  to  fill 
up.  Several  mottoes  in  shaky  evergreen  letters 
were  plastered  upon  the  walls.  The  tree  was  a 
fine  one,  and  it  was  only  by  supei-human  exertions 
that  it  was  ever  got  into  the  church.  The  parties 
to  whom  was  committed  the  taslv  of  procuring  it 
literally  fulfilled  the  instructions  to  procure  an 
immense  one,  and  about  twenty  feet  of  it  had  to 
be  sawed  off  and  then  it  reached  to  the  roof  and 
filled  up  a  cpiarter  of  the  church.  By  noon  every- 
thing was  in  readiness,  and  the  tree  was  quite  pre- 
sentable in  consequence  of  the  ingenuity  display- 
ed by  hanging  everything  on  the  front  side  of  it. 
The  collection  of  presents  was  very  good,  and  al- 
though thei'e  were  perhaps  too  many  apples  in 
baskets  and  bags,  and  too  much  sweet  cider  in 
bottles  and  jugs,  and  a  too  numerous  collection 
of  vegetables  and  bed-quilts,  and  too  few  knick- 
knacks,  still  the  display  was  creditable,  and  was 
regarded  as  a  great  success  for  a  first  attempt.  At 
1  o'clock  the  doors  were  opened,  and  the  people, 
many  of  whom  had  been  waiting  outside  since  sun- 
rise, were  admitted.  There  was  a  grand  rush  for 
the  seats,  and  the  door-keepers  had  all  they  could 


THE   PRESENT   DAY.  133 

do  to  take  the  tickets  and  prevent  the  entrance  of 
persons  not  having  proper  credentials.  In  fact, 
one  of  them,  in  the  excitement  of  the  moment 
no  doubt,  is  reported  as  having  gone  around  the 
corner  of  the  church  and  sworn  vehemently  for 
five  minutes,  after  which  he  returned  in  a  cheer- 
ful state  of  mind,  and  resumed  his  ]30sitIou  as 
ticket-taker.  Now  it  did  so  happen  that  at  least 
three  persons  desired  admission  to  every  one  who 
had  tickets,  and  at  last,  when  the  pent-up  feelings 
of  the  multitude,  excited  to  the  highest  pitch  of 
indignation,  could  no  longer  be  restrained,  the 
crowd  gave  an  immense  surge,  and  away  went 
the  door-keepers  and  the  ticket  boxes,  and  the 
church  was  instantaneously  filled.  The  balance 
of  the  outsiders  were  ranged  about  the  door,  and 
stood  half  a  dozen  deep  at  evei-y  window.  The 
exercises  began  with  a  horridly  excited  song  from 
the  clu^ir,  and  a  prayer  which  was  pertinent  to 
the  occasion.  Then  beo-an  the  distribution  of 
presents,  which  were  taken  from  the  tree  by  Par- 
son Wilks,  and  handed  to  Jimmy  Amory  and  Cap- 
tain Long,  who  called  oif  the  names  and  delivered 
the  property.  It  was  reckoned  that  $600  worth 
of  apparatus  changed  hands.  Parson  "Wilks  re- 
ceived fourteen  Bibles  from  dilTerent  admirers, 


1,34  THE    TEESENT   DAT. 

raiigli)^  from  iiumense  quartos  to  the  finest  clia- 
iiioiid  })ri]it.  I  saw  him  around  town  this  morn- 
ing, trying  to  barter  off  a  portion  of  them  for  some- 
thing usefuL  Quite  a  painful  accident  occurred 
to  the  parson  during  the  ceremonies.  AVhile  en- 
gaged in  handing  down  the  presents  from  the  up- 
per part  of  the  tree,  the  ladder  slipped  from  under 
him  and  he  fell  among  the  branches,  one  of  which 
cauffht  him  bv  his  coat  tails,  and  there  he  swung 
lip  and  down  like  a  boy  on  a  teeter  board.  lie 
cried  for  helj),  but  owing  to  the  agitated  feelings 
of  the  people  it  was  some  time  before  he  could 
be  extricated  from  his  embarrassing  position.  I 
received  a  handsome  box,  well  secured  with  string, 
which  attracted  much  attention  from  the  persons 
near  me,  who  insisted  upon  my  opening  it.  As 
I  had  given  no  presents  to  any  one,  I  did  not  ex- 
pect to  receive  any,  and  the  box  came  to  me  like 
a  surprise  party.  On  the  outside  was  written  my 
name  and  tliese  words  :  "  From  your  literary 
friends.  Accept  the  enclosed  '  Essay  on  Greece,' 
'  Blackstone,'  and  '  Works  of  Burns,'  as  a  memen- 
to of  the  affection  that  lies  within  the  bosoms  of 
the  givers."  Ah,  thought  I,  at  last  my  genius 
has  secured  recognition.  Knowing  ray  taste  for 
literature,  some  friendly  hand  has  bestowed  upon 


THE    PRESENT    DAY,  135 

me  these  beautiful  books.  I  cut  the  strino;  and 
opened  the  box,  and — oh,  ye  heavens !  Gra- 
cious Peter  !  Whew  !  I  found  a  cake  of  tallow, 
with  the  letters  S.  A.  written  on  it,  and  a  note  pin- 
ned to  it  which  read:  '' 'Tis  grease,  but  living 
grease  no  more."  This  was  an  essay  on  Greece 
with  a  vengeance.  I  found  also  a  chunk  of  coal, 
and  this  my  intuitive  perception  led  me  to  believe 
was  black-stone.  Beneath  it  were  two  half-con- 
sumed almanacs  which  typified  the  works  of  burns. 
I  have  formed  myself  into  a  detective  police  asso- 
ciation, and  like  Jo.  Gar<>:erv's  wife,  am  on  the 
rampage  after  the  perpetrator  of  tliis  hoi-rible 
joke.  I  think  I  discover  in  it  the  handiw(;rk  of  one 
Fritz,  of  Batavia,  who  challenged  my  daughter  to 
write  poetry,  and  because  she  refuses  to  pick  up 
the  literary  gauntlet,  he  takes  this  inhuman  me- 
thod of  executino;  io-noble  revenp-e.  Of  course 
there  was  a  great  laugh  at  my  expense,  and  al- 
though I  can  take  a  joke,  I  don't  know  what  to  do 
with  one  after  I  have  got  it,  so  I  thought  it  best 
to  git,  and  got  accordingly.  In  rushing  through 
the  crowd  I  accidentally  trod  upon  Mrs.  Stringer's 
foot.  She  uttered  a  howl  of  anguish,  belabor- 
ed me  with  her  parasol  and  abused  mo  with  her 
tongue,  and  made  me  pass  as  uncomfortable  a  two 


136  TEE   PRESENT   DAY. 

minutes  as  I  ever  did  before  in  my  life.  For  tlie 
first  time  I  realized  the  truth  of  the  saying,  "Hell 
hath  no  fury  like  a  woman's  corn,"  I  learn  that 
it  was  found  impossible  to  take  the  tree  out  of 
the  church,  and  it  had  to  be  cut  into  quarters  to 
remove  it.  If  Christmas  trees  are  indeed  j  ubilant 
this  must  have  been  a  four-part  song. 
Sorrowfully  yours, 

II.  S.  Tbueman. 


GKAND  OPENING  FOK  MOKAL  FASHIONS.   137 


LETTER  XXI. 

GRAND  OPENING  FOR  MORAL,  FASHIONS  OF  A  NEW 
LIFE,  LNCIDENTALLY  SHOWING  THAT  SOMETLMES 
THERE  IS  NO  SLIP  WHATEVER  'tWIXT  THE  CUP 
AND    THE    LIP. 

Pine  Grove,  Jan.  3,  1871. 


was  very  quiet  here  on  Sunday.  Ap- 
propriate reference  to  tlie  day  was  made  at 
the  church  by  Parson  Wilks  in  his  sermon, 
and  he  embraced  the  occasion  to  get  off  a  little 
joke,  by  saying  that  he  felt  like  a  stranger  among 
the  people,  for  he  hadn't  seen  them  before  smce 
last  year.  lie  also  remarked  that  the  day  was  the 
most  pleasant  one  we  had  had  this  year.  lie 
suggested  that  the  time  was  an  a})propriate  one 
for  making  new  resolutions  if  they  were  good 
ones,  and  for  breaking  old  resolutions  if  they 
were  bad  ones.  He  suggested  the  propriety,  on 
the  part  of  the  ladies  of  his  congregati«.)n,  of  set- 


138   GRAND  OPENING  FOR  MORAL  FASHIONS. 

ting  forth  no  spirituous  liquors  for  the  entertain- 
ment of  guests  on  the  morrow.  (Point  not  well 
taken.  No  one  in  Fine  Grove  makes  New  Year's 
calls,  and  not  one  in  tlie  place  could  offer  anything 
but  cider  an j way.  He  probably  had  seen  the 
conflagration  that  has  been  raging  on  this  point 
of  late  in  the  newspapers,  and  didn't  want  to  ap- 
pear behind  the  times.)  The  regular  official  cel- 
ebration of  the  day  occurred  on  Monday,  and  con- 
sisted of  a  free  lunch  at  Tomni}^  Jones's,  which 
it  has  been  his  cnstom  to  set  forth  for  many  years. 
As  I  am  a  firm  believer  in  free  lunches,  and  al- 
ways make  it  a  point  to  be  present  when  anything 
of  this  kind  is  going  on,  I  went  over  to  Tommy's 
in  the  morning  on  a  tour  of  inspection.  True 
to  his  life-long  cnstom,  and  with  a  due  regard 
for  his  reputation.  Tommy  had  set  forth  a  master 
triumph  of  the  gastronomic  art.  There  was 
codfish  picked  up  raw,  little  chips  of  dried  beef, 
gome  oyster  crackers,  a  bit  of  cheese,  a  few  her- 
rings and  a  pitcher  of  cider.  It  was  understood 
tliat  other  beverages  of  a  less  temperate  tendency 
were  to  be  had  for  the  asking.  Altogether  the 
preparations  were  of  a  festive  nature,  and  I  con- 
cluded to  pass  the  morning  amidst  the  good  cheer. 
Tommy  was  glad  to  see  me,  knowing  me  to  be 


GEAND  OPENING  FOR  MOKAL  FASHIONS.   139 

a  light  feeder,  and  asked  me  if  I  would  take  a 
bite.  I  bit.  Presently  in  came  Parson  "VVilks 
and  Deacon  Amoiy  to  warm  themselves  by  the 
fire,  for  they  were  wet,  and  to  drink  a  glass  of 
cider,  for  they  were  dry.  Parson  Wilks  picked 
np  a  piece  of  codfish,  and  the  rear  portion  of  a 
herring,  when  Tommy  snatched  them  from  his 
hand,  saying,  "  Xo,  no.  It's  too  thin.  You  must 
eat  your  fish  after  you've  drank,  not  before.  I 
was  drank  out  of  house  and  home  last  New  Year's 
day,  in  consequence  of  allowing  my  friends  to  get 
up  an  artificial  thirst  before  they  imbibed.  The 
warning  has  not  been  lost.  Drink  first,  and  af- 
terwards salt  yourselves  at  discretion."  Tommy 
was  right.  I  know  of  two  fellows  who  live  here 
who  always  eat  salt  pork  and  raw  codfish  for  a 
week  before  going  to  Pochester,  and  their  reasons 
for  so  doing  must  be  obvious.  The  parson  and 
Deacon  Amory  tried  a  little  cider  to  see  if  it  was 
good,  and  finding  it  was,  they  took  a  little  more 
to  express  their  approval.  Then  they  took  a 
cracker,  more  cider,  some  cheese  and  beef,  more 
cider,  a  herring  and  a  little  more  cider,  and  hav- 
ing by  this  time  become  mellowed  and  friendly, 
they  went  to  work  in  a  genial  way,  sampling  all 
the  different  kinds  of  liquors  in  the  bar.     The 


140   GRAND  OPENING  FOR  MORAL  FASHIONS. 

usual  result  of  mixed  drinks  followed.  Parson 
"Wilks  found  the  bar-room  in  a  state  of  consider- 
able af^itation,  and  making  a  track  for  the  door 
he  brought  up  in  the  fireplace.  We  hauled  him 
out  and  set  liim  upright.  He  presented  a  very 
discreditable  appearance  with  his  hat  mashed 
down  over  his  eyes,  and  his  face  blackened  with 
the  andirons  like  a  piece  of  toast.  Deacon  Amorj, 
holding  fast  to  the  counter,  gazed  upon  tlie  scene 
with  an  apathetic  cast  of  countenance  wonderful 
to  behold.  He  was  teetering  gently  to  and  fro, 
and  nothing  could  induce  him  to  sit  down.  He 
blandly  intimated  that  if  he  once  sat  down  it  was 
all  up  with  him,  and  said  that  if  any  o]ie  'tempted 
t'  haul  down  'is  flag,  he  would  shoot  him  on  'er 
spot.  As  numerous  people  began  to  gather  in 
the  bar-room,  we  got  the  parson  and  deacon  into 
the  dining-room,  where  they  fell  to  abusing  one 
another  i-oundly.  I  wonder  now,  and  I  wondered 
then,  where  such  men,  occupying  such  honorable 
positions  in  life,  so  worthy  and  so  respected,  could 
have  learned  those  horrible  words  and  terrible 
epithets  they  so  freely  uttered.  As  a  fight  be- 
tween them  seemed  imminent,  we  had  to  tie  them 
in  their  chairs.  I  agreed  to  watch  them,  and 
prevent    their   quarrelling,   if    I    could,   and   I 


GEAND   OPENING   FOR   MORAL   FASHIONS.      141 

thought  what  a  blessing  it  would  have  been  had 
they  been  tongue-tied  as  well  as  hand  and  foot 
tied.  At  last  they  fell  sweetly  asleep,  and  so 
remained  until  late  in  the  afternoon.  On  awak- 
ening, they  seemed  to  be  all  right  again ;  but  in  a 
short  time  Parson  Wilks  had  a  relapse.  Deacon 
Amory  could  walk  very  comfortably,  and  started 
for  home,  after  extorting  from  Tommy  Jones  and 
myself  a  promise  never  to  reveal  wliat  had  hap- 
23ened.  After  dark  we  loaded  the  parson  into  a 
wheelbarrow  and  left  him  in  front  of  his  house, 
where  he  could  readily  be  found  by  his  family. 
Here  endeth  the  lesson.  I  have  been  asked  to 
keep  this  affair  a  secret,  but  my  duty  as  a  faith- 
ful Democrat  and  Chronicler  of  events  must  not 
be  interfered  with  by  promises  made  out  of  pity 
in  the  excitement  of  the  moment.  It  is  certainly 
to  be  regretted  that  men  like  Parson  Wilks  and 
Deacon  Amory  will  permit  themselves  to  become 
intoxicated,  and  it  is  hoj^ed  that  the.  fearful  lesson 
will  not  be  lost  upon  the  rising  generation  of 
Pine  Grove.  If  the  above  narration  can  be  of 
any  utility  to  the  accomplished  writers,  who, 
tlirough  the  medium  of  the  press,  have  endea- 
vored to  prevent  the  use  of  wine  and  liquors 
as  refreshments  on  New  Year's  day,  this  letter 


142   GKAND  OPENING  FOK  MORAL  FASHIONS. 

will  not  have  been  written  in  vain,  and  I  will  re- 
main content  to  receive  the  abuse  and  obloquy 
that  I  am  certain  will  be  heaped  upon  me  in 
consequence  of  this  exposure. 
Expectantly  yours 

E..  S.  Tkueiian. 


AS  AWFUL   STATE   OF   AFFAIES.  l-iS 


LETTER  XXII. 

AN   AWFUL   STATE   OF   AFFAEKS. 

'.'  UR  Pine  Grove  correspondent  at  last  has 


got  liimself  into  trouble.  It  will  be  seen 
by  the  following  letters  that  the  good 
people  of  that  village  take  exceptions  to  his  com- 
munications, and  express  a  wish  that  they  be  dis- 
continued, and,  that  in  consequence  of  the  publi- 
cation of  his  correspondence,  we  are  threatened 
with  legal  proceedings.  If  Mr.  Trueman  can 
make  any  explanation  or  offer  any  apology  that 
will  be  accepted  by  his  fellow-citizens,  we  shall 
be  glad  to  have  him  do  so  and  at  once.  His 
letters  to  this  journal  have  been  published  by 
us  in  good  faith,  and,  up  to  this  time,  we  had  no 
reason  for  doubting  his  integrity.  We  demand 
therefore,  not  only  in  justice  to  our  many  sub- 
scribers in  that  part  of  the  county,  but  also  as  a 
duty  he  owes  to  ourselves,  that  he  make  a  public 
retraction,  or  satisfy  all  concerned  that  he  has 
not  been  guilty  of  falsehood. 


144  AN    AWFUL    STATE   OF   AFFAIRS. 

Pine  Grove,  Jan.  5,  1871. 

Ed.  D.  &  C. : — Believing  you  to  be  possessed  of 
that  spirit  wliicli  is  called  chanty,  and  that  you 
would  not  knowingly  publish  anything  derogatory 
to  a  person's  character,  or,  having  done  so,  would 
gladly  correct  the  error,  I  write  these  few  lines 
to  let  a  little  light  shine  in  upon  you.  You  have 
a  correspondent,  one  Trueman,  who  pretends  to 
keep  you  posted  about  affairs  here.  I  fear  you 
do  not  know  him,  I  know  him  to  be  a  person 
in  wliom  there  is  no  truth.  He  is  as  full  of  lie 
as  potash  is  ;  a  base  fabricator  ;  a  treacherous 
calumniator.  He  has  used  the  press  as  a  medium 
for  circuhiting  his  prevarications,  and  has  present- 
ed me  before  the  public  in  ignoble  positions,  the 
very  ridiculousness  of  which  ought  to  stamp  them 
as  untruths.  If  you  have  any  regard  for  the  feel- 
ings of  this  community  you  will  henceforth  cease 
to  credit  his  falsehoods,  and  charge  him  with  his 
duplicity. 

Rev.  L.  WiLKs,  D.D,, 
and  Pastor  of  P.  G.  Church. 


Pine  grove,  genuary  5. 
deer  sir  :     The  suscriber  whose  name  is  sined 


AN   AWFUL    STATE    OF    AFFAIKS.  145 

to  this  letter  at  the  rekwest  of  parson  wilks  pas- 
ture of  our  church  and  of  dekin  Amory  and  his 
sun  and  also  gorge  low  the  lawyer  desires  me  to 
say  that  I  also  have  been  lide  about  by  trewraau 
and  if  my  name  is  on  your  books  to  have  it  krost 
out  as  i  don't  propose  to  help  eny  nuzepaper  wot 
lise  and  nose  it  he  has  slandered  me  sevral  times 
in  print  but  i  didn't  no  how  bad  i  felt  untill  the 
above  named  persons  told  me  how  oi-f  ul  it  was  i 
think  this  trewman  has  d — aged  my  bisnes  and 
that  you  have  acted  as  accomplis  in  accomplishin 
it  by  printing  his  letters  i  will  except  anything 
your  cents  of  write  may  lede  you  to  send  me  this 
will  be  the  most  ceutsible  way  of  setlin  in  a  money 
pint  of  view. 

John  Klinkek. 


Pine  Grove,  Jan.  5,  1871. 

Tour  petitioners  would  respectfully  ask  you  to 
discontinue  the  })ublication  of  the  letters  from 
Pine  Grove  as  furnished  by  R.  S.  Trueman. 
They  are  a  vile  slander  upon  this  community.  As 
wliat  has  already  been  done  cannot  now  be  un- 


146  AN   AWFUL    STATK    OF   AFFAIRS. 

done,  please  give  us  no  further  cause  for  com- 
plaint. 

T.  A.  Dany,  wife  and  daughter, 

Betsy  McCracken, 

Capt  Long  and  two  J  cousins, 

William  Wren, 

Matilda  Hooker,  and  mimerous 
others  who  cannot  write  their  name  except  with 
an  X,  which  spoils"  the  effect  of  a  petition. 


Pine  Grove,  Jan.  5,  1871. 
Democrat  and  Chronicle  Company  : 

I  am  instructed  by  my  client,  Deacon  llobert 
Amory,  to  give  you  notice  that  he  contemplates 
bringing  an  action  against  you  for  libel,  in  w^hich 
he  places  the  damages  at  an  amount  which,  if  lie 
secures  it,  will  render  him  comfortable  for  the  re- 
mainder of  his  days.  You  have  permitted  the 
publication  of  letters  from  R.  S.  Trueman  of  this 
place,  in  which  the  chai-acter  of  my  client  has 
been  unjustly  assailed,  and  in  which  he  has  been 
held  up  to  the  scorn  and  derision  of  the  world. 
To  prevent  this  action  you  will  publish  a  full  and 
complete  retraction  of  all  that  has  been  printed 
concerning  Mr.  Amory,  and  cease  to  publish  all 


AN   A>VFUL   STATE    OF   AFFAIRS.  147 

letters  emanating  from  the  aforesaid  Trueman. 
Mj  client  does  not  insist  upon  this  coiii'se,  but,  on 
the  contrary,  prefers  a  libel  suit,  in  which  view, 
as  a  matter  of  professional  duty,  I  think  proper 
to  encourage  him. 

George  Low, 
Attorney  and  Counsellor  at  Law. 


148     THE  AUTHOK  PUTS  IN  A  DEFENCE. 


LETTER  XXIII. 

IN  WHICri  THE  AUTHOR  PUTS  IN  A  DEFENCE,  AND 
UTTERLY  DEMOLISHES  THE  BAD  CHARACTER 
WHICH    HAD   BEEN    GIVEN    HIM. 

Pine  Grove,  Jan.  9,  1871. 

"  The  boy  stood  on  the  burning  euchre  deck, 
And  took  the  tricks  when  all  but  him  had  fled." 

WAS  pained  to  see  in  the  Democrat  and 
Chronicle  of  the  6th  inst,  several  letters 
and  a  petition  from  various  persons  in  this 
place,  with  comments  thereon  by  you.  Now  I 
have  been  to  New  York  twice  by  the  Erie  road. 
On  one  occasion  I  ascended  the  stairs  to  the  court 
house  cupola  in  your  city.  I  have  walked  the 
streets  of  Rochester  at  nio;ht  when  the  almanac 
of  the  gas  company  proclaimed  moonlight,  but 
when  the  moon  was  only  a  faint  and  fleeting  show 
for  man's  delusion  given.      1   have  read — with 


THE    AUTHOR    PUTS    IN    A    DEFENCE.  149 

what  tribulation  few  can  tell — "  "Wliat  I  know 
about  farming,"  by  Horace  Greeley.  A  -person 
with  such  an  experience  as  this  generally  ceases 
to  be  surprised  at,  or  shocked  by,  anything  that 
can  possibly  ha])pen  ;  but  I  must  say  that  my 
feelings  were  visibly  shattered  by  these  letters 
from  my  old  friends  and  neighbors.  You  were 
kind  enough  to  say  that  up  to  this  time  you  had 
every  confidence  in  my  veracity.  It  would  have 
been  more  kind  to  have  added  that  your  confi- 
dence still  remained  unchanged.  But,  since  I 
have  been  pitched  into  in  this  way,  it  seems  a 
matter  of  necessity  for  me  to  re-establish  myself 
in  your  good  opinion,  and  show  to  the  world  that 
I  am  a  truthful  man,  and  have  never,  as  yet,  made 
light  of  dark  subjects.  I  propose  to  walk  into  the 
affections  of  my  traducers  extensively.  I  may  be 
obliged  to  use  many  long  words,  and  many  hard 
ones;  for  an  innocent  man,  goaded  by  unjust  re- 
proaches and  stung  to  the  quick  by  infamous  false- 
hoods, must  use  every  weapon  he  can  seize  upon 
for  his  own  defence.  The  hardest  word  I  know 
of  is  iron-y,  and  I  shall  use  it  freely.  I  do  not 
wonder  that  the  people  here  petition  you  to  dis- 
continue my  letters.  I  have  yet  to  learn  that  any 
criminal,  if  he  has  a  spark  of  manhood  left,  loves 


150        THE  ArxnoR  puts  in  a  defence. 

to  see  his  misdoings  in  j)rint.  Often  have  I  seen 
tlie  reporters  of  the  papers  in  your  city  besieged 
by  persons  endeavoring  to  induce  the  ready  wri- 
ters to  make  no  mention  of  some  unfortunate 
affair  in  which  the  said  persons  were  concerned. 
I  can  appreciate  the  feelings  of  my  neighbors  ou 
this  point.  But  truth  is  mighty  and  must  prevail 
like  summer  flies.  If  Parson  Wilks  and  Deacon 
Amory  desire,  or  think  that  I  will  lie  about  them 
and  say  they  did  not  get  drunk  on  New  Year's 
Day,  they  will  find  that  anticipation  is  greater 
than  realization.  If  John  Klinker  has  such  a  hor- 
ror of  deception,  will  he  kindly  explain  wdiy  he 
had  a  new  set  of  buttons  and  a  cotton  velvet  col- 
lar put  on  to  his  old  overcoat  this  winter,  and  pre- 
tend it  was  a  new  coat  ?  If  G  eorge  Low  is  so 
anxious  for  a  suit  for  lie-bel  he  had  better  com- 
mence an  action  against  himself.  lie  would  wear 
such  a  suit  with  ease  and  grace.  Will  Captain 
Long  inform  tlie  community  what  he  did  with  the 
two  teaspoons  he  was  seen  to  pocket  at  Parson 
Wilks's  donation  last  summer?  As  for  Dany  and 
liis  wife  and  daughter,  I  will  say  that  they  are 
persons  whom  you  can  trust.  Yes,  you  can  trust 
them  forever,  but  they  never  pay.  Who  is  it  that 
always  comes  with  a  quart  jug  to  Tommy  Jones's 


Vj/ix^fi/i  tiK£  zn£JAsr2  ao£'\JPas:e  ySi^ 


THE  AUTHOR  TUTS  IN  A  DEFEXCE.     151 

every  evening  and  calls  for  "  vinegar  like  the  last 
I  got "  ?  Ah,  my  old  friend  Hooker,  a  quart  of  ^■in- 
egar  a  day  is  a  great  deal  of  sharpness  for  a  small 
famih^,  and  a  tavern  is  a  queer  })lace  to  get  it  at. 
If  Betsy  McCracken  will  explain  why  shejDocket- 
ed  the  subscription  money  she  received  for  a  chari- 
table purpose,  instead  of  devoting  it  to  the  object 
for  which  it  was  raised,  she  will  unveil  a  mysteiy 
that  has  long  been  hidden.  But  why  charge 
home  upon  these  peoj)le  their  faults  and  their 
weaknesses  ?  My  object  in  writing  all  these  letters 
has  been  a  noble  one.  My  greatest  desire  has 
been  to  improve  the  moral  tone  of  society  at  Pine 
Grove.  By  exposing  the  guilt  of  the  wicked  they 
will  take  care  how  they  conduct  themselves 
in  future.  People  here  are  already  better  in  con- 
sequence of  the  disclosures  I  have  made.  I  can- 
not say  that  I  am  any  more  beloved  in  consequence 
of  the  part  I  have  taken,  but  a  free  moral  agent 
(myself),  working  out  a  grand  aim  in  antici])a- 
tion  of  grander  results,  nmst  expect  to  meet  with 
rc'1  tuffs,  and  I  calculate  I  have  got  them.  AVliat- 
cver  my  faults  and  en-ors  mav  hu\e  Itccn,  mv 
motives  ai-e  pure.  I  offer  here  a  certiiicate  of 
character  fiDui  my  linn  friend  and  staunch  sup- 
porter, Thomas  Jones,  Esq. : 


152  THE    ArTITOR   PUTS    IN    A    DEFENCE. 

To  whom  it  may  concern,  or  otherwise :  This 
is  to  cei'tify,  that  I  have  been  acquainted  witli 
the  deponent,  R.  S.  Trueman,  going  on  twenty 
years.  I  hope  and  believe  him  to  be  honest  most 
always,  and  truthful  generally.  I  can  truly  say 
that  he  has  always  paid  his  little  bills  with  me 
promptly,  which  is  more  than  can  be  said  of 
others  in  this  place.  If  he  has  lied  about  certain 
persons  here,  they  ought  to  be  lied  about,  but  I 
do  not  think  he  honestly  has — I  mean  I  do  not 
honestly  think  he  has.  I  know  he  has  spread  it 
on  a  little  thick  sometimes,  but  not  anv  too  much. 
lie  has  always  spoken  the  truth  through  thick, 
and,  it  may  be,  thin.  1  heartily  endorse  every- 
thing about  him,  except  his  promissory  notes.  If 
he  wants  any  more  character,  he  can  have  it,  or 
anything  else  he  wants,  by  aj^plying  at  the  old 
place,  where  entertainment  is  provided  for  man 
and  beast  by 

Tours  truly, 

Thomas  Jones. 


I  think  this  will  do  the  business.     "With   my 
character    thus   re-established   I   breathe  easier, 


THE  AUTHOR  PUTS  IN  A  DEFENCE.     153 

and  sliall  continue  my  literary  career  as  formerly, 

unaffected  by  the  venomous  darts  of  envy  and 

falsehood  that  the  enemy  may  hurl  against  me. 

Heroically  yours, 

R.  S.  Teueman. 


154  THE   BANE    OF    CIVILIZATION. 


LETTER  XXIY. 


THE   BANE    OF   CIVILIZATION. 


Pine  Gkove,  Jan  12,  1871. 


}  ARSON"  WILKS  has  been  up  and  at  'em 
%^  again.  Not  content  with  teaching  the  re- 
ligions idea  how  to  shoot  in  a  profitable 
manner,  he  imagines  that  he  is  a  writer,  and  is  act- 
nallv  enojaged  most  of  the  time  in  writing::  stories, 
and  essays,  and  other  trash.  lie  has  not  become 
conceited  enough  yet  to  try  his  hand  at  writing 
letters  for  the  newsj^apers,  but  there  is  no  telling 
to  M^hat  length  his  vanity  may  lead  him.  He 
has  made  me  a  sort  of  mutual  friend,  and  when- 
ever he  is  struck  with  an  idea  he  commits  it  to 
paper,  and  then  rushes  over  to  my  house,  and 
commits  it  to  me.  He  came  in  yesterday  with  a 
new  essay  about  house  cleaning,  which  I  confess 
has  something  of  originality  in  it,  although  I  think 
too  highly  of  myself  to  tell  him  so.     Here  it  is: 


THE    BANE    OF    CIVILIZATION.  155 

TliG  Feast  of  Household  Pui-ification  is  at  hand. 
The  ancient  rites  so  dear  to  the  heart  of  each  and 
every  tidy  housekeeper  arc  about  to  be  cele- 
brated. On  every  hand  the  preparations  are 
going  forward  for  a  suitable  observance  of  this 
annual  pandcniouium,  and  for  the  reception  of 
the  pestilence  that  stalkcth  abroad  in  the  Spi-ing. 
Whether  the  custom  arose  with  our  ancestors 
and  came  l)Owlinfii:  alone;  down  the  ball  allev  of 
time  along  with  a  thousand  other  productions  of 
uselessness,  cropped  from  the  beery  brains  of  the 
senile  fogyism  of  the  medio3val  ages,  or  whether 
it  didn't,  is  a  matter  for  the  investigation  and 
speculation  of  those  who  may  have  the  time  and 
patience  to  devote  to  the  solving  of  this  myste- 
rious problem.  It  is  sufficient  to  know  that  the 
evil  has  an  unquestioned  existence ;  that  it  is  in  the 
habit  of  blooming  annually,  but  sometimes  (snch 
is  human  depravity)  more  frequently,  and  that  it 
cannot  even  be  classed  under  the  head  of  that 
species  of  wrongs  that  may  be  committed  in 
order  that  good  may  result. 

It  has  been  argued  with  that  tenacity  for  which 
advocates  of  soap  and  water  are  famous,  that  it  is  a 
matter  of  necessity  that  a  house  should  thoroughly 
be  cleansed  at  least  once  a  year  (im]dying  there- 


156  THE   BANE    OF    CIVILIZATION. 

by  that  the  oftener  it  is  done  the  better) ;  that  the 
attrition  of  the  dust,  and  the  presence  of  moths 
in  the  carpets,  if  allowed  to  remain  and  mnltiplj, 
would  soon  blot  out  the  beautiful  figures  and 
colors  forever ;  that  the  walls  would  become  so 
blackened  as  to  offend  the  eye  of  even  the  most 
careless  observer;  that  the  enamel  upon  the  fur- 
niture would  disappear;  that  the  stoves  would 
present  a  piebald  appearance  disagreeable  to  be- 
hold ;  that  fever  would  lurk  in  every  crevice  and 
corner.  The  same  arguments  are  also  urged  on 
the  score  of  economy. 

ISTow,  is  this  so?  Is  it  cheaper  to  attack  a 
carpet  with  dismantled  broomsticks,  breaking 
the  meshes  of  the  worsted,  tearing  the  fingers 
with  hidden  tacks  that  cling  to  the  edges  with 
pertinacious  energy,  and  so  give  your  heart's  best 
blood  in  defence  of  a  principle,  than  to  allow  the 
carpet  to  remain  quietly  upon  the  floor  and  grad- 
ually pass  down  into  a  cherished  and  fading  old 
age,  and,  l>y  careful  sweeping,  exemplify  the  ver- 
dict of  truthful  household  jurors  that  there  is  no 
cause  for  action  ?  Is  it  a  matter  of  necessity  that 
the  air  should  be  filled  with  soapy  odors  and  un- 
definable  smells ;  that  the  household  should  be 
tliruwn  into  a  state  of  siege  fur  weeks  at  a  time  ? 


THE   BANE   OF   CIVILTZATIOK.  157 

And  would  it  not  be  cheaper,  ?s  re£]^ards  the  labor 
thrown  away  and  the  money  expended  in  repair- 
ing, to  allow  things  to  remain  undiL<urbed  for 
five  or  ten  years,  and,  making  a  bonfire  of  the 
house  and  all  therein,  purify  them  with  fire,  and 
then  build  a  new  house  and.  refurnish  it  ?  There 
can  be  no  denial.     The  plain  statement  of  the 

* 

facts  admits  of  no  refutation. 

But  there  is  another  phase  to  the  niattei-,  which, 
in  point  of  seriousness,  is  of  far  more  conse- 
quence than  the  mere  questions  of  necessity  and 
economy.  It  is  the  wear  and  tear  upon  the  moral 
sensibilities  of  human  beings.  The  action  upon 
the  physical  system  is  nothing,  the  exercise  of 
muscalar  energy  amounts  to  but  little,  and  the 
sickness  that  is  certain  to  follow  the  conclusion 
of  general  cleaning  week,  as  a  result  of  over- 
work, is  of  no  account.  These  are  things  that 
cannot  be  avoided  if  the  system  of  house-cleaning 
prevails,  and  the  moral  wear  and  tear  of  feelings 
are  the  natui'al  concomitants. 

It  is  fearful  to  contemplate  the  amount  of 
swearing  done  by  the  male  persuasion  during  this 
season,  and  blasphemy  of  the  worst  character,  but 
for  which  men  are  in  no  way  to  blame,  and  for 
which   they  cannot  be  held   accountable,  being 


158  THE   BANE    OF    CIVILIZATION. 

provoked  thereto  bj  conduct  tliat  admits  of  no 
other  reply. 

A  man  leaves  his  house  in  the  morning  to 
attend  to  his  business.  All  is  neatness  and 
order.  Everything  looks  well  enough.  There 
are  no  mud-puddles  upon  the  floor,  no  blotches 
npon  the  paper.  The  plastering  seems  to  be 
intact  and  the  arras  and  legs  of  the  chairs  to  be 
in  their  proper  places.  Notwithstanding  all  this, 
a  parting  shot  is  fired  at  him  to  the  effect  that 
house-cleaning  is  going  to  begin  that  day.  lie 
hesitates  about  returning  at  noon,  for  bitter  expe- 
rience has  taught  him  that  he  need  not  expect 
anything  to  eat  but  that  worst  of  fallacies,  a 
picked  up  dinner.  He  does  go  home,  however, 
not  to  rejoice  in  a  pleasant,  cheery  household,  but 
to  swear  at  the  chaos  that  prevails.  The  hall  is 
blockaded  like  a  furniture  auction  room ;  the  air 
is  choked  with  dust,  and  the  floors  reek  with 
dampness.  By  dint  of  agility  he  forces  a  pass- 
age— as  dithcult  a  one  as  could  be  selected  from 
a  Hebrew  Bible — to  the  kitchen,  where  a  mild 
refection,  in  the  shape  of  a  crust  of  bread  and  a 
cup  of  tea  that  blushes  from  long  boiling,  awaits 
his  royal  highness.  Having  partially  quelled  the 
rebellion  that  naturallv  arises  in  his  bosom,  he 


THE    BANE    OF    CIVILIZATION.  150 

rcirales  himself  with  this  travestv  on  eatinc;,  and 
sneaks  away  with  a  sense  of  injured  dignity,  of 
downright  imposition,  and  it  may  be  with  a 
breakins:  heart.  At  ni2;ht  the  dismal  farce  is  re- 
enacted  and  he  camps  ont  upon  the  battle-field 
■with  little  of  that  halo  of  glory  overspreading 
him  that  usually  pertains  to  the  life  of  a  martyr. 

But  why  pursue  the  harrowing  theme  ?  Is  it 
any  wonder  that  men  at  this  time  practise  the 
most  terrible  deception  ?  Can  they  be  blamed  if 
asked  to  tinker  with  an  obstinate  stove  or  an 
unruly  stovepipe,  for  asseiting  that  they  "must 
iro  riirht  back  to  the  store,  business  is  so  drivinir," 
when  they  know  and  feel  that  if  they  meddle 
with  these  things  they  will  be  guilty  of  uttering 
words  that  in  a  calmer  hour  are  strano;ers  to  their 
lips,  and  that  whole  years  of  penitence  cannot 
atone  for? 

Necessity  and  Economy — Falsehood  and  Blas- 
phemy. These  are  the  so-called  causes,  and  these 
the  direct  effects  of  house-cleaning.  Can  anv  svs- 
tem  that  provokes  these  evils  be  a  good  one,  or  be 
founded  in  right  and  equity  ?  Better,  far  l>etter, 
that  the  walls  be  coated  with  grease,  the  moths 
hold  high  carnival  in  the  carpets,  the  ceiling  be 
black  with  the  smoke  of  aijes,  the  furniture  be- 


160  THE    BANE    OF    CIVILIZATION. 

come  begrimed  with  dirt  and  stoves  rust  out 
through  sheer  neglect,  than  that  Man,  created  in 
the  image  of  his  Maker,  be  forced  to  commit  un- 
willing; sin.     When  will  women  learn  wisdom  ? 

I  asked  him  if  he  wasn't  tired  writing  so  much 
and  then  reading  it,  and  he  said  he  wasn't.  But 
I  know  better.     I  know  myself  how  it  is. 

Tours  in  love, 

R.  S.  Trueman. 


SEAECH   AFTEK   THE   UNFATHOMABLE.  161 


LETTER  XXT. 

A    VERACIOUS     HISTORY   OF     A   SEAECH    AFTEE     THE 
UNFATH  OaiABLE. 

Pine  Grove,  Jan.  13,  1871. 

'  T  is  not  often  that  our  people  have  an  oppor- 
wj^  tunity  to  see  the  great  artists  of  the  country, 
and  we  are  obliged  to  content  ourselves  with 
such  accounts  of  lecturers,  singers,  minstrels  and 
such  like,  as  the  Democrat  and  Chronicle  sees  fit 
to  give  us.  It  is  some  distance  to  Rochester,  and 
the  road  none  of  the  best ;  and  besides,  it  costs 
a  pile  of  money  for  horse-keeping,  supper  and 
tickets.  Sometimes,  however,  we  make  up  our 
minds  to  go  when  something  unusual  is  to  take 
place,  but  our  visits  of  pleasure  are  few  and  far 
between.  For  a  long  time  we  had  been  talking 
about  <2:oin<i:  to  hear  Miss  Kelloa-<j'  whenever 
she  came  to  Rochester.  Pat  Sweeney,  who 
drove  on  the  canal  last  summer  and  ^^  ith  whom 


102  SEAECn    AFTER   THE   UXEATnOlVLVBLE. 

you  may  be  acquainted,  heard  her  in  New  York, 
and  liis  account  of  her  sino-ino'  made  all  eai>:er 
to  listen  to  her  melodeon  voice.  So  on  Monday 
afternoon  Mr.  Dana,  Mrs.  Stringer,  Parson 
Wilks,  Matilda  Hooker,  my  daughter  and  myself 
might  have  been  seen — and  indeed,  were  seen — 
by  all  the  people  of  Pine  Grove,  climbing  into 
a  lumber  wagon  en  route  for  Rochester.  Our 
preparations  for  this  august  (January)  occasion 
were  simple  and  few.  "We  took  up  a  collection 
among  our  friends.  Tommy  Jones  giving  $1  to 
help  the  cause  along,  and  others  contributing 
small  amounts  until  the  finance  committee,  myself, 
declared  the  sum  to  be  sufhcient.  As  Mrs.  Dana 
was  unable  to  attend,  on  account  of  boils  (it 
being  washing  day),  Mrs.  Stringer  borrowed 
her  false  teeth,  which  were  gold  plate,  not  hav- 
ing any  of  own,  false  or  otherwise.  Parson 
Wilks  secured  Deacon  Amory's  tall  hat,  Matilda 
Hooker  borrowed  Mrs.  Wren's  gold  spectacles, 
so  as  to  look  literary  like,  and,  it  being  chilly,  I 
l)»)rro\ved  Klinkers  overcoat.  I  wonder  whether 
lie  would  lend  it  to  me  now,  since  my  last  letter 
was  printed.  We  got  into  Rochester  at  live 
o'clock,  left  our  equipage  at  the  stable,  and  feel- 
ing peckish  started  out  for  something  to  eat.     We 


SEARCH  AFTER  THE  UXEATHOMABLE.    1G3 

went  over  to  IMr,  Kremlin's  saloon,  near  where 
they  swing  on  a  bridge  in  warm  wcatiicr.  A  gen- 
tleman with  a  white  apron  shut  us  up  in  a  little 
room  where  there  was  a  table  and  chairs  and  not 
much  else,  and  no  room  for  it  if  there  had  been. 
As  we  had  made  up  our  mi)ids  to  have  a  good 
time,  regardless  of  expense,  we  had  03'sters  all 
around.  The  waiter  brouo;ht  us  a  ticket  with 
$2.10  printed  on  it,  which  created  a  little  con- 
sternation amona;  us,  it  beins;  more  than  we  had 
anticij)ated.  However,  as  there  seemed  to  be  no 
way  to  avoid  it,  I  paid  the  bill.  Then  we  all  went 
over  to  Mr.  Powers'  block,  and  passed  away  half 
an  hour  very  comfortably  riding  up  and  down  in 
the  elevator,  until  Mrs.  Strino;er  commenced  to 
get  sea-sick.  Afterwards  we  looked  about  the 
streets  until  the  rest  of  us  became  see-sick,  and 
then  went  over  to  the  hall,  where  we  had  to  sit 
on  the  steps  nearly  an  hour  waiting  for  the  ticket, 
office  to  open.  AV^hen  the  time  came  I  purchased 
tickets  for  the  party,  and  tried  to  get  a  discount 
off  for  so  large  a  number,  but  the  ticket-seller 
said  his  bank  wasn't  discounting  then,  so  1  ]i:uil 
the  $6,  and  it  took  nearly  all  the  money  I  had. 
The  seller  objected  to  taking  so  much  postal  cur- 
rency and  four  rolls  of  pennies,  but  finally  did  so, 


1C4         SEAECH   AFTER   THE   UNFAT:iOMABI.E. 

mntterinoj  sometliinar  which  I  am  o-lad  I  didn't 
hear,  as  I  expect  it  wasn't  perfectly  proper.  We 
found  a  nice  seat  on  the  side  of  the  hall,  where 
we  could  overlook  all  the  people.  My  daughter 
wanted  to  know  what  all  the  labels  meant  on  the 
seat,  and  I  explained  that  they  were  put  there  for 
the  benefit  of  the  people  who  lived  out  of  town. 
I  shuddered  when  I  said  it,  but  the  seat  was  a  good 
one,  and  I  determined  to  trust  to  luck  to  keep  it. 
Presently  in  came  a  lady  and  gentleman,  looking 
very  smiling,  and  approached  our  seat.  The  gen- 
tleman examined  some  little  cards  in  his  hands, 
and  asked  Parson  Wilks,  who  sat  nearest,  if  he 
had  taken  that  seat.  The  parson,  looking  as  in- 
nocent as  Mary's  little  lamb  with  fleece  as  white 
as  snow,  said  we  took  them  when  we  came  in. 
The  gentleman  said  tliere  must  be  some  mistake 
about  it,  and  I  began  to  think  so  too  when  all  of 
my  party  turned  toward  me  with  beseeching  eyes, 
and  when  I  beheld  the  eyes  of  two  hundred  other 
people  gazing  at  us.  While  I  hesitated,  the  per- 
son who  told  people  where  to  sit  that  held  tickets 
in  the  seat  lottery,  came  up  and  explained  the 
situation,  and  we  had  to  give  up  our  places.  I 
appealed  to  him  for  assistance,  for  the  hall  by  this 
time  was  well  filled,  but  all  he  could  do  was  to 


SEAKCn  AFTER  THE  UNFATHOMABLE.    1G5 

find  US  some  stools,  so  we  occupied  tliem,  and 
there  we  sat  in  a  row  like  so  many  stool  pigeous. 
The  rest  of  the  party  didn't  seem  to  like  it  a  bit, 
and  they  talked  hard  at  me.  Parson  Wilks  said 
my  couduct  was  unchristian  like  ;  Mr,  Dana  said 
I  was  a  swindler ;  Mrs.  Stringer  said  she  could 
broomstick  me  with  great  satisfaction ;  Matilda 
Hooker  offered  to  tear  my  eyes  out :  my  daughter 
said  she'd  fix  me  for  coming  that  game  on  them.  I 
felt  a  little  sore  about  it,  and  only  consoled  my- 
self with  the  thought  that  great  men  receive  abuse 
as  well  as  honors.  At  last  we  got  quieted  down, 
except  Parson  Wilks,  who  had  a  squeaky  stool, 
and  who  made  it  go  whenever  I  tried  to  say  any- 
thing funny,  so  the  rest  couldn't  hear,  which  was 
a  little  discouragino-.  There  was  a  three-leijo'cd 
piano  on  the  stage  with  "Weber"  on  it,  which  I 
suppose  to  be  the  name  of  the  owner  of  it,  so  in 
case  it  should  get  lost  the  i:)arty  finding  it 
could  tell  where  it  belonged.  It  was  pitiful 
to  observe  that  in  such  a  fine-looking  audience  so 
many  were  near-sighted  and  were  oblio-ed  to  use 
double-barrelled  eye-glasses  to  see  with.  Then 
there  were  such  nice  people  in  good  clothes, 
with  flashing  jewels,  and  eyes  that  flashed  quite 
as  brilliant.     It  was  a  little  difficult  for  me   to 


166    SEAECII  AFTER  THE  UNFATHOMABLE. 

understand  the  words  of  the  first  piece,  being 
but  little  acquainted  with  foreign  languages  and 
not  any  too  much  with  my  own.  But  the  melody, 
having  no  language,  I  could  appreciate.  But  it 
wasn't  Eandolfi,  nor  Macdonald,  nor  Wehli,  we 
come  to  hear ;  Kellogg  was  the  man  for  our 
money,  and  at  last  she  appeared.  "Wasn't  she  nice, 
though  ?  And  she  sm^g  so  beautifully  and  so 
easily.  No  wonder  all  the  people  clapped  their 
hands  until  they  ached,  and  luirst  their  leather 
gloves,  and  said  it  was  bully.  And  it  was.  I  can't 
describe  it,  we  were  all  so  carried  away.  Then  in 
the  second  part,  where  she  sat  down  to  the  piano 
and  played  and  sung  that  little  song,  "  Look  out 
or  you'll  get  April  Fooled,"  or  some  such  name, 
how  sweet  she  smiled,  especially  when  they  slung 
those  bunches  of  posies  on  the  stage !  I  do  not 
wonder  (if  the  story  be  true)  that,  when  Nilsson 
heard  Kellogg  sing  this  little  song,  that  she  got 
up  and  hit  her  umbi-ella  on  the  seat  so  hard  that 
she  broke  it.  I  would,  too,  if  I  had  one,  but 
through  delight,  not  anger.  Then  when  Wehli 
put  one  hand  in  his  pocket,  and  played  "  Home, 
ISweet  Home,"  twisted  up  with  the  other,  that  was 
wonderful.  I  don't  think  I  could  have  done 
it  better  with  both  hands.    On  the  whole,  the  con- 


SEAKCIJ    AFTKK    Til]':    UNFATIIOlVtABLE.  1G7 

cert  received  the  hearty  approval  of  the  Pine 
Grove  delectation.  There  was  one  thino:  I  did  not 
like,  and  that  was  so  many  people  going  (nit  dur- 
ing the  show.  If  they  didn't  like  it,  they  should 
have  remained  out  of  I'egard  for  the  performers' 
feelings.  I  also  learned  that  the  most  of  the  par- 
ties who  disturbed  the  meeting  were  going  off  on 
a  regular  train.  More  likely  they  had  come  to 
town  on  one,  and  it  would  be  better,  if  they  must 
train,  to  stay  home  and  do  it.  At  last  the  concert 
was  over,  and  the  people  made  a  rush  for  the  door. 
During  the  pressure  some  one  stepped  on  to  Par- 
son AVilks's  hat,  which  he  had  borrowed  from 
Deacon  Amoi-y,  and  wlien  the  parson  picked  it 
up  it  looked  like  an  accordeon.  The  smasher 
said,  "  I  beg  your  pardon,"  and  passed  on,  uiunind- 
ful  of  the  ruin  he  had  wrought.  We  fixed  it  as 
well  as  we  were  able  and  passed  out  into  the  pas- 
sage, where  Parson  Wilks  had  an  interview  with 
a  policeman,  to  see  if  he  could  engage  Miss  Kel- 
\o(j:s:  to  ii:\ye  a  concert  at  Pine  Grove.  I  didn't 
hear  exactly  what  was  said,  but  I  believe  the  C(»n- 
cert  isn't  coming  off  at  present.  What  the  police- 
man did,  was  to  huigh  the  parson  in  his  fafo,  and 
afterward  behind  his  back,  and  subscfpicnlly  all 
around  him,  which  was  impolite  to  say  the  least. 


1G8    SEAECH  AFTKE  TIIK  UNFATHOMABLE, 

Our  calculation  had  been  to  have  a  little  supper 
before  starting  for  home,  but  the  treasurer  report- 
ing that  he  had  been  compelled  to  suspend  pay- 
ment, we  went  up  to  the  stable,  where  I  had  to 
become  personally  responsible  for  the  keeping  of 
the  horses.  It  wasn't  quite  as  pleasant  going 
home  as  it  had  been  coming,  inasmuch  as  the  rest 
of  them  took  the  opportunity  to  heap  coals  of  fire 
on  my  head,  and  hot  ones  too.  You  see  none  of 
them  would  have  gone  with  me,  on  account  of  our 
little  newspaper  quarrel,  but  tliey  couldn't  get 
along  without  me.  Besides  this,  I  gave  them  to 
understand  that  I  knew  the  ropes,  which  I  fear  I 
didn't  prove  to  their  entire  satisfaction.  However, 
they  M^ere  all  glad  they  went,  for  it  was  pleasant, 
and  not  expensive  to  us,  as  the  whole  business 
was  done  on  borrowed  capital.  We  arrived  home 
safely  with  only  two  mishaps :  Matilda  Hooker 
lost  both  glasses  o.ut  of  the  spectacles  she  had  bor- 
rowed, and  Mrs.  Stringer,  in  consequence  of  the 
wagon  jolting,  lost  the  false  teeth  that  Mrs.  Dana 
had  let  her  take,  they  being  ejected  from  licr 
mouth  with  much  violence,  and  we  were  unable 
to  find  them  in  the  dark.  I  append  herewith  a 
multiplication  table,  which  illustrates  how  I  fooled 
myself.      I  calculated  to  make  a  remunerative 


SEARCH    AFTEK   THE    UNFATIIOMxlBLE.  169 

commission  out  of  the  expedition,  but  as  figures 

will  not  tell  a  lie,  it  will  be  seen  wherein  I  failed : 

Received  from  contributions $8  23 

"What  I  expected  it  would  cost : 

Six  suppers $1  50 

Six  tickets 1  50 

Six  lunches 60 

Horsekeeping 50         4  10 

Leaving  my  commission $4  13 

How  it  came  out : 

Six  suppers $3  10 

Six  tickets G  00 

Gum  drops 06 

Horsekeeping 50        8  66 

Leaving  me  out  of  pocket 44 

The  next  time  some  one  else  can  go  on  the 
Finance  Committee. 

Sadly  yours, 

R.  S.  Tkueman. 


170  SOMEWHAT   GASTKONOMICAL. 


LETTER  XXYI. 

SOMEWHAT   GASTRONOMICAL RELATES    HOW  DEACON 

AMORY  LOST   ALL   TASTE    FOR   THE    FINE  ARTS  AND 
EVERYTHING    ELSE. 

Pine  Gkoye,  Jan.  19,  1871. 

foil  probably  know  John  "Wiley,  who  keeps 
the  grocery  store  on  the  corner,  here  in  the 
village.  Almost  everybody  does,  and  if 
any  one  does  not,  I  want  them  to  understand  that 
be  is  one  of  the  meekest  men  extant.  Many  a 
time  have  I  seen  him  shed  copious  tears  of  grief 
because  some  one  spoke  unkindly  to  him,  and  I 
don't  believe  he  ever  said  "  No  "  in  his  life.  Fre- 
quently have  I  observed  that  gentle  man  actually 
get  off  from  the  sidewalk,  and  go  around,  when  a 
cow  happened  to  be  in  the  way,  rather  than  injure 
the  feelings  of  the  animal  by  driving  her  off. 
I  have  known  him  to  get  up  at  two  o'clock  on  a 
winter  morning  and  go  down  to  his  store  to  see 


SOMEWUAT   GASTKONOMICAL.  171 

if  his  cat  was  warm  and  comfortable.    I  state  these 
characteristics  of  the  man,   because  I  desire  to 
show  how  that  when  a  man  of  this  kind  lets  his 
augrj  passions  rise,  he  makes  terrible  work  of  it. 
Now,  Wiley  has    suffered  extensively  from  the 
raids  of  small  j^ilferers,  who  enter  his  place  of 
business  during  the  day  time  and  help  themselves 
to  an  apple,  or  a  few  crackers,  or  a  handful  of 
raisins,  or  something  of  that  sort.    He  has  inform- 
ed me  that  enough  has  been  stolen  from  him  every 
year  in  that  way  to  pay  the  wages  of  a  small-sized 
clerk.     He  thinks  it  extremely  hard  to  Iuiac  his 
property   carried  off  bodily  in  this  manner,  and 
yet  be  unable  to  remonstrate  for  fear  of  oftendino- 
some  one.     I  have  talked  the  matter  over  with 
him  frequently,  and  urged  him  to  make  an  exam- 
ple of  somebody,  and  at  last  he  agreed  to  do  so. 
'Now  it  so  happened  that  Deacon  Amory  was  one 
of  his  best  gratuitous  customers.     He  never  came 
into  the  store  without  carrying  away  from  three 
to  ten  cents'  worth  of  portable  property  within  his 
person.    If  he  wanted  a  pound  of  sugar  he  always 
managed  to  eat  a  double  handful  besides  out  of 
the  barrel,  and  never  was  there  a  chest  of  tea 
opened  but  what  he  took  home  a  good-sized  draw- 
ing of  it  to  see  whether  his  folks  liked  it,  which 


172  SOMEWHAT   GASTEONOIUCAL. 

they  never  did.  As  for  apples,  raisins,  figs,  nuts, 
and  candies,  he  always  managed  to  eat  considera- 
ble, and  always  got  value  received  without  giv- 
ing value  paid.  Deacon  Amory,  then,  was  the 
man  selected  for  the  experiment.  Upon  his  de- 
voted head  was  to  fall  the  wrath  of  the  long  suffer- 
ing AYiley.  For  the  accumulated  sins  of  all  the 
pickers  and  nibblers  in  the  neighborhood  he  was 
to  answer.  It  was  my  suggestion  that  brought  it 
about,  and  I  rather  think  he  will  let  me  alone 
after  this,  both  in  and  out  of  the  newspapers. 
The  Deacon  always  came  into  Wiley's  store  every 
Monday  morning  after  soap,  for  domestic  pur- 
poses, and  we  agreed  to  seize  the  first  opportun- 
ity to  carry  out  our  plan.  As  Wiley  had  sufficient 
strength  of  character,  as  well  as  muscle,  to  accom- 
plish the  task  unaided,  I  concluded  to  act  merely 
as  a  spectator.  On  Monday  morning  then,  about 
nine  o'clock,  the  deacon  came  into  the  store.  There 
were  quite  a  number  of  people  sitting  around  the 
store,  quite  innocent  like,  who  dropped  in  to  see 
the  fun.  "  Nice  morning,"  said  the  deacon,  going 
behind  the  counter  and  helping  himself  to  a  chew 
of  tobacco,  and  afterwards  rolling  up  a  good-sized 
wad  of  it,  which  he  transferred  to  his  pocket. 
Mr.  Wiley  said  it  was  indeed  a  nice  morning 


SOMEWHAT   GASTRONOinCAL.  173 

"  I  gness  the  rain  is  about  over,"  continued  the 
deacon,  helping  himself  to  a  quarter  of  a  pound 
of  cheese,  a  dozen  crackers,  and  as  much  butter  as 
he  could  crowd  upon  the  largest  blade  of  his  jack- 
knife.  After  drawing  a  glass  of  cider  he  deliber- 
ately peeled  the  largest  herring  in  the  box,  and 
commenced  the  assault  on  the  provisions.  Wiley 
said  nothing,  but  his  muscular  arms  heaved  visi- 
bly. The  deacon  kept  on  eating  and  talking  as 
natural  as  life,  and  finally  wiped  his  mouth  in 
a  self-satisfied  way,  that  would  have  wrung  a 
smile  from  a  marble  statue.  Mr,  Wiley  had  kept 
still  so  long  that  I  began  to  think  his  spirit  had 
failed  him,  and  that  he  was  going  to  let  the  oppor- 
tunity pass.  But  the  hour  was  not  yet.  It  was 
only  the  calm  preceding  the  storm.  The  deacon 
walked  along  inside  the  counter,  tasting  one  thing 
and  another  in  a  desultory  way,  until  he  stood 
opposite  where  Wiley  was  standing.  Watching 
his  opportunity,  the  aroused  Wiley  seized  the  un- 
suspecting deacon  by  the  coat  collar  and  the  loos- 
est portion  of  his  pants,  and  dragging  him  violently 
over  the  counter,  sat  him  down  with  empliasis  in 
an  arm-chair  directly  before  the  fire,  and  before 
the  deacon  could  say  a  word  he  had  him  tied  hand 
and  foot.     "What  does  this  mean?"  gasped  the 


174  SOMEWHAT    GASTEONOMICAL. 

astonished  man.  "Wliy,  nothing,"  said  Wiley, 
"I'm  only  exercising.  I  have  got  a  little  bill 
here  against  you  I  would  like  to  have  paid."  "  I 
don't  owe  you  nothing,"  said  the  purple-hued 
victim.  "  I  always  pay  cash."  "  No,  you  don't. 
Yon  pay  part  cash  and  take  the  rest  in  trade,  only 
I  have  to  furnish  the  trade.  But  here  is  the  bill : 
I'll  hold  it  up  so  you  can  read  it."  The  rain- 
bow-tinted countenance  of  the  deacon  resolved 
itself  into  a  perplexed  stare  as  he  read : 

"  Deacon  Amory  to  John  Wiley,  Dr., — To 
eating  up  little  things  in  my  store  that  cost  me 
money,  for  a  period  of  fifteen  years,  at  fifty 
cents  a  week,  $390." 

"Now,"  said  the  indignant  Wiley,  "I'll  just 
trouble  you  to  settle  it.  There  hasn't  been  a  day 
but  what  you  have  robbed  me  in  this  way,  and  I 
had  just  as  soon  you  had  gone  to  my  money  drawer 
and  helped  yourself,  as  to  my  groceries.  I  had 
rather  pay  you  $25  a  year  to  keep  away  from 
here,  and  I  would  make  money  by  it."  By  this, 
time  nearly  all  the  surplus  population  of  the  place 
had  arrived  upon  the  scene,  headed  by  Tommy 
Jones,  who  encouraged  Wiley  to  continue,  by 
throwing  in  an  occasional,  "Go  in,  Johnny!" 
"  Give  it  to  him  !  "  and  other  appropriate  remarks 


SOilEWHAT   GASTE0:70MICAL.  175 

adapted  to  the  occasion.  "  It's  a  contempti- 
ble swindle !  "  roared  the  deacon,  "  and  I'll 
never  pay  it."  "  Throw  off  ten  per  cent,  for 
cash,"  said  Wiley.  "  I'll  never  pay  it.  Isn't 
there  any  one  here  to  help  me  ? "  There 
wasn't  anybody.  "  Well,"  said  Wiley,  grow- 
ing more  indignant,  "  if  you  will  not  pay  it, 
I  may  as  well  make  the  bill  $400  ;  it  oidy 
lacks  $10  of  it.  Some  one  hold  his  head  for 
me."  Twenty  persons  started  to  assist,  and 
got  into  a  quarrrel  as  to  who  should  have  the 
honor ;  but  Tommy  Jones,  ever  valiant,  ever 
ready,  took  charge  of  the  man's  head,  by  reason 
of  being  the  head  man  in  the  place.  The  iras- 
cible Wiley  proceeded  to  insert  a  two-inch  ring 
into  the  deacon's  mouth,  so  that  he  was  unable  to 
close  it.  And  now  began  the  most  wonderful  per- 
formance I  ever  witnessed.  When  I  think  of  it 
now,  I  can  scarcely  realize  that  it  ever  happened. 
The  performance  began  by  Mr.  Wiley  pouring  a 
small  bottle  of  castor-oil  down  the  victim's  throat. 
Next  he  put  in  a  handful  of  raisins,  then  half  a 
pound  of  soda,  and  afterwards  a  hunk  of  alnni. 
He  then  gave  him  a  scoopful  of  shot  to  make 
him  heavy,  and  followed  it  up  with  a  paper  of 
baking  powder  to  make  him  light.     He  gave  him 


176  SOMEWHAT   G ASTRONOMICAL. 

a  mixed  assortment  of  tea,  ground  coffee,  saleratus, 
and  a  roll  of  comiterfeit  sbinplasters.  He  dosed 
liim  with  sulphur,  cream  tartar  and  red  pepper. 
He  fed  him  copperas,  saltpetre  and  allspice,  and 
whenever  the  deacon  refused  to  swallow  he  assist- 
ed him  with  a  gentle  choke,  so  that  he  was  content 
to  obey  orders  without  further  resistance.  When 
Wiley  had  gone  through  with  samples  of  the  solid 
material  in  the  grocery,  he  put  a  large  funnel  into 
the  deacon's  mouth,  and  wedged  it  in  with  spring 
clothes-pins.  Into  that  funnel  he  poured  a  quart 
of  cider,  some  molasses,  some  kerosene  oil,  a 
little  tar,  a  pint  of  vinegar,  some  melted  butter, 
and  the  land  knows  what  all,  until  the  deacon, 
swelling  up  like  a  balloon  in  process  of  inflation, 
appeared  to  be  on  the  point  of  bursting  and  mak- 
ing a  muss  on  the  floor.  At  last  the  wrath  of  the 
maniacal  Wiley  was  aj^peased.  He  made  an 
additional  entry  of  ten  dollars  on  the  bill  for 
provisions  consumed,  receipted  it  in  full,  tucked 
it  into  the  deacon's  vest  pocket,  removed  the  iron 
ring,  untied  his  haTids  and  feet,  and  let  him  go. 
The  deacon  did  not  stand  upon  the  ceremony  of 
going,  but  went  at  once,  and  with  a  countenance 
like  a  full-blown  peony,  and  looking  for  all  the 
world  like  a  hogshead  gifted  with  pedestrianism, 


±£^L 


SOMEWHAT    G ASTRONOMICAL.  177 

he  rolled  out  of  the  store.  It  was  rather  harsh 
treatment,  but  the  effect  iiiteuded  has  been 
produced.  I  will  guarantee  that  the  nibbling 
mania  in  John  Wiley's  store  has  been  effectually 
stopped,  and  his  next  income  return  will  show  it. 
I  need  not  point  out  the  moral  of  this  rustic 
tale.  It  is  obvious.  The  plan  of  stopping  such 
thieving  outrages  has  not  been  patented,  but  is 
open  for  trial  by  all  dealers  in  groceries, 
provisions  and  salt  mackerel.  No  one  need 
doubt  its  efficiency. 

Triumphantly  yours, 

R.  S.  Tkceman. 


178       4IT  INTELLECTUAL  SKELETON. 


LETTER  XXVII. 

WHEREIN   IS  REVEALED  AN   INTELLECTUAL  SKELETON 
IN  THE  HOUSE  OCCUPIED  BY  THE  WORTHY  AUTHOR. 

Pine  Gkove,  Jan.  23,  1871. 

f^^  T  is  hard  to  place  before  the  eye  of  a  scan- 
g^  dal-loving  public  a  picture  of  rural  distress. 
It  is  painful  to  open  the  door  of  domestic 
unhappiness  and  invite  the  great  world  to  look 
in ;  but  a  strict  regard  for  justice,  and  a  desire  to 
ascertain  the  whereabouts  of  a  certain  individ- 
ual (name  and  residence  at  present  unknown) 
prompts  me  to  smother  reticence,  and  unfold  a 
poem  which  shall  point  a  moral  and  adorn  a  tale 
— sad  as  it  may  be.  The  circumstances  attend- 
ing the  publication  of  this  poetry  are  few  and 
brief.  For  some  time  my  daughter  has  been  ex- 
tremely melancholy.  She  has  moped  about  the 
house   in  a  heart-broken  sort  of  way  extremely 


AN  INTELLECTUAI.  SKELETON.        179 

touching  to  a  fond  parent.  She  has  taken  no  in- 
terest in  domestic  affairs,  and  has  even  neglected 
the  reading  of  the  Nev)  York  Ledger  and  the 
'Waverley  Magazine^  of  which  she  is  as  fond  as 
George  Washington  was  of  his  hatchet.  Slie  has 
refused  her  fried  pork  and  potatoes,  and  has  not 
taken  kindly  to  gruel  or  hash.  I  watched  her 
closely  in  all  these  things,  and  at  last  I  made  up 
my  mind  that  she  had  Lcn-n  at  it  again  and 
commited  herself  to  poetry.  Accordingly,  to 
find  the  evidences  of  her  guilt,  I  began  a  search 
through  the  premises  yesterda}',  a'.  liile  the  family 
were  at  church,  and  in  her  portfolio  I  found  the 
following  lines.  Imagine  my  terrified  feelings  ! 
Of  course,  as  a  believer  in  true  genius  and  in  the 
poetical  works  of  art,  I  am  proud  of  such  a 
daughter,  but  I  should  greatly  prefer  that  she  let 
her  fancy  fly  off  at  some  other  tangent,  than  to 
devote  her  abilities  and  stationery  to  a  subject 
like  this.  I  cannot  find  out  who  she  was  writing 
to.  She  declines  to  tell,  although  I  pounded  her 
until  she  was  black  and  blue  and  I  was  red.  I 
will  give  my  entire  perquisites  as  justice  of  the 
peace,  for  three  months,  to  find  out  who  she 
means  in  this  poem. 


180  AN   INTELLECTUAL    SKELETON. 


A  SWEET  SONG  OF  LOVE. 

The  rose  is  red, 
The  violet  blue, 
Sugar  is  sweet 
And  so  be  you. 

[Slate  Pencil  Sketches. 

I  am  going  to  tell  you  something 

That  I  reckon  '11  make  you  jump, 
And  I  hope  and  pray  it  will  cause  your 

Dear  heart  like  my  own  to  thump. 

I  feel  kind  o'  skittish  about  telling, 
For  I  don't  know  what  you  may  do  ; 

But  I'll  break  the  ice  at  a  venture 
And  take  the  chances  on  you, 

I  love  you,  and  that's  what  the  matter, 

The  words  to  my  lips  wiU  come  ; 
You'  re  sweeter  than  candy  or  syrup, 

And  I  love  you  better  than  gum. 

My  pine-apple  blossom,  my  essence, 

My  balm  of  a  thousand  flowers, 
My  extract  of  lemon — I  love  thee. 

Thou  sweetest  of  sweet-scented  bowers. 

Were  I  only  a  big  lump  of  sugar. 

And  thou  a  cup  of  green  tea, 
How  gladly  I'd  give  my  frail  life  up 

To  melt  and  dissolve  for  thee. 


AN  IKTELLECTUAL  SKELETON.        181 

If  all  the  great  -world  was  mine,  dear, 
And  the  planets,  and  stars  that  shoot, 

I'd  trade  them  all  off  for  thy  love,  dear, 
And  wouldn't  ask  nothing  to  boot. 

For  my  love  it  is  stronger  than  onions, 
And  my  heart,  like  a  railroad  train, 

Goes  faster  and  faster — I  think,  love, 
That  it  never  will  stop  again, 

Unless,  indeed,  you  will  kindly 

Hang  out  a  red  flag,  through  fear 
Of  accidents  happening — why  then,  I 

Will  stop  at  your  station,  my  dear. 

I  cannot  help  loving  you,  sweetest. 
And  I  wouldn't,  my  pet,  if  I  could  ; 

For  I've  tried  to  quit  it,  my  deary, 
But  I  couldn't,  my  own,  if  I  would. 

So  here  you  have  the  whole  story, 

And  I  guess  it's  plain  to  be  seen 
That  I  certainly  mean  what  I  say,  dear, 

As  I  certainly  say  what  I  mean. 

If  the  person  for  whom  these  lines  ai-e  intended 
will  call  at  my  residence  in  Pine  Grove,  three 
doors  from  Parson  Wilks's  meetiiig-honse,  he  will 
receive  a  broken  head  gratuitously,  and  no  ques- 


1S2        AN  INTELLECTUAL  SKELETON. 

tions  asked  or  answered.     A  word  to  the  unwise 
it  is  believed,  will  be  sufficient. 
Wrathily  yours, 

E.  S.  Tjkueman. 


THE   CULTIVATION   OF    AESTHETICS.  183 


LETTER  XXVIII. 

MEETING     OF   THE   ASSOCIATION    FOK   THE    CULTIVA- 
TION   OF   JiSTHETICS. 

Pine  Grove,  Feh.  9,  1871. 


EFORE  I  <2:et  head  and  heels  over  into  this 


'^  letter  I  desire  to  state  that  what  follows 
can  be  relied  upon  to  the  fullest  extent.  It 
is  unnecessary  to  mention  this  to  any  one  who 
knows  me,  and  I  only  refer  to  it  from  the  fact 
that  I  am  credibly  informed  that  an  impression 
prevails  among  sundry  persons  that  my  letters  are 
all  gammon,  and  I  wish  to  do  away  with  any  such 
impression.  If  any  one  desires  to  investigate  the 
subject  let  him  come  over  to  Pine  Grove,  any  sun- 
shiny day,  and  1  will  engage  to  prove  to  the  entire 
satisfaction  of  the  searcher  after  truth  that  these 
letters  are  a  reality.     Enough  is  sufficient. 

You  know,  of  course,  what  a  bright,  active  and 
intelligent  community  this  is.  A\^e  arc  few  iu 
numbers,  to  be  sure,  200  being  the  extreme  limit 


184  THE    CULTIVATION   OF    ^STHETICg. 

of  population  in  the  place  ;  but  there  is  enough 
gumption  and  go  aheadativeness  here  to  supply 
half  a  dozen  villages  of  the  same  size.  It  would 
surprise  you  to  hear  how  many  different  societies 
and  organizations  we  have.  I  wrote  you  some 
time  ao^o  an  account  of  the  annual  meetino-  of 
"  The  Society  for  the  Amelioration  of  Human 
Vanities,"  and  promised  to  give  you  a  full  and 
complete  explanation  of  its  workings,  which  prom- 
ise is  as  good  now  as  it  was  then,  and  will  be  kept 
when  the  time  comes — if  it  ever  does.  To  begin 
with,  we  have  a  Sewing  Society,  where  they  not 
only  sew  tears,  but  also  sow  tares,  and,  in  due 
course  of  time,  reap  a  large  crop  of  scandgil. 
There  is  a  Missionary  Society  for  the  distribution 
of  bogus  pennies  and  counterfeit  ahinplasters 
amonsc  the  benighted  heathen  abroad,  and  not  one 
cent  for  tribute  among  the  barbarous  ones  at 
home.  There  is  a  Dispensary  Society  for  furnish- 
ing medicine  (chiefly  boneset  and  sage  tea)  to  the 
sick,  and  provender  (mostly  odd  crusts  of  bread, 
doubtful  pieces  of  salt  pork,  and  the  triangular 
upper  end  of  hams)  to  the  starving.  I  may  here 
remark  that  the  demands  for  assistance  from  such 
unfortunates  are  very  light,  knowing  the  diet  that 
awaits  them.     There  is  also  an  "  Oro-anization 


THE   CrXLTIVATION   OF   ^STHE'nCS.  1S5 

for  the  suppression  of  the  sale  and  use  of  intoxi- 
cating drinks,"  whether  as  beverages  or  medi- 
cinally. There  are  at  least  half  a  dozen  other 
societies,  and  all  in  working  order,  with  officers 
and  committees,  pass-words,  grips,  and  regular 
times  and  places  of  meeting,  with  all  the  necessary 
paraphernalia.  This  winter  we  organized  a  new 
one,  which  is  called  "  An  Association  for  the 
Cultivation  of  Esthetics."  Its  membership  ex- 
ceeds that  of  all  the  others,  and  we  have  sessions 
fortnightly,  generally  meeting  in  the  church. 
Nearly  everybody  belongs  to  it,  in  consequence,  I 
am  led  to  believe,  of  there  being  no  initiation  fee, 
nor  any  expense  attending  it,  which  is  always  an 
element  of  popularity  in  everything.  Even  Tom- 
my Jones  is  a  member,  although  he  is  not  as  heavy 
on  literature  as  he  is  a  tobacco-chewer.  We  held 
a  re-union  on  Wednesday  night,  and  I  thought 
that  maybe  you  would  like  a  brief  account  of  the 
proceedings.  The  jueeting  was  called  to  as  much  ' 
order  as  the  crowded  state  of  the  church  would 
permit,  by  Parson  Wilks,  who  pounded  on  the 
pulpit,  and  gesticulated  wnth  much  vehemence, 
as  though  he  was  preaching  a  doctrinal  sermon. — 
The  first  thing  read  was  an  essay  on  the  "  Rise 
and  Decline  of  Summer  Squashes,"  which  was 


186  THE   CULTIVATION   OF   ESTHETICS. 

twice  repeated,  to  accommodate  a  number  who 
came  in  late.  Then  there  was  a  dialogue  between 
Priscilla  Locker  and  Matilda  Hooker,  the  school- 
ma'am.  It  was  something  about  the  transmigra- 
tion of  souls,  and  it  didn't  take  well  at  all  with  the 
audience.  Jimmy  Amory  then  delivered  an  ora- 
tion, beginning  "  There  was  a  man,  a  Roman  sol- 
dier." He  spoke  it  pretty  well,  though  he  catches 
his  breath  audibly,  and  rolls  his  "  R's  "  like  a  lum- 
ber wagon.  E valine  Dore  read  an  essay  entitled 
"  The  Utility  of  Corsets  in  filling  up  the  Waist 
Places  of  Womanity."  This  production  drew 
tears  from  the  softer  sex,  both  male  and  female. 
The  next  thing  was  a  reprimand  from  Parson 
Wilks,  accompanied  by  a  practical  illustration 
of  the  saying,  "  He  who  hath  ears  to  be  pulled, 
let  them  be  pulled."  He  took  put  three  boys 
in  this  way,  who  were  inclined  to  be  mussy. 
Mrs.  Dany  then  read  a  humorous  essay  called 
"  Melancholy.  "  The  audience  could  scarcely  re- 
tain its  sides  from  bursting  with  laughter.  After- 
wards, my  daughter  recited  an  original  poem 
entitled  "  The  Heart  longings  and  Soul-yearnings 
of  the  Desirous."  (Maybe  you  would  like  to  see 
it  in  print,  but  you  never  will.)  She  was  called 
out  twice — once  by  the  audience,  and  once  by  a 


THE   CTLTIVATION    OF   AESTHETICS.  187 

'young  fellow  who  wanted  to  see  her  in  the  porch 
on  particular  business.  She  responded  to  both 
calls.  George  Low  then  read  a  dissertation  on 
"  The  Flea,  and  the  best  Methods  of  Extermina- 
tion," The  people  manifested  great  interest 
during  the  reading  of  this  production.  The  next 
thing  was  a  portion  of  history  selected  and  read 
by  Jane  Dany,  entitled  "  The  Emancipation 
Proclamation ;  or,  the  attempt  to  make  black, 
white."  Parson  Wilks  then  arose  and  delivered 
a  short  discourse  as  follows:  "If  John  Smithers 
and  Parmina  Scroon  do  not  cpiit  whispering,  and 
holding  hands  on  the  back  seat,  I  shall  be  com- 
pelled to  mention  names  and  tell  what  they  are 
doing."  There  was  a  great  uproar  among  the 
audience  at  this  sallv,  and  Smitliers  arose  at  the 
call  of  the  house  for  explanation.  I  respect- 
fully decline  to  mention  what  he  said,  but  he 
went  on  fearfully,  called  our  beloved  minister 
anything  but  pet  names,  and  went  so  far  as  to  in- 
timate that  the  parson  hadn't  strength  enough  to 
lick  even  a  postage-stamp.  Parson  Wilks  jawed 
back,  and  the  meeting  worked  itself  up  into  such 
a  fermentation  of  rage,  that  it  looked  for  a  mo- 
ment as  though  it  was  all  going  to  pieces.  But 
some  one  stuffed  Smithers's  comforter  (his  woollen 


188  THE   CULTIVATION    OF    .ESTHETICS. 

one,  not  Parmina)  into  his  mouth,  and  somebody 
else  threw  an  overcoat  over  Parson  Wilks's  head 
and  extinguished  his  fire  of  words  in  a  twinkling. 
Tommy  Jones  made  herculanenm  attempts  to 
restore  order,  in  which  he  succeeded,  after  knock- 
ing down  a  dozen  or  so  of  the  most  refractory  ones, 
and  dragging  them  out  by  their  boots.  Quiet  at 
last  prevailed,  and  the  performance  went  on. 
"William  Long  read  a  well- written  essay  on  "  The 
Use  and  Abuse  of  Firecrackers,  and  their  Pela- 
tion  to  the  Human  Family."  It  was  greatly  ad- 
mired, and  replete  with  deep  reflection,  search- 
ing investigation,  and  solid  information.  Pat 
Sweeney  then  recited  a  sweet  little  poem,  begin- 
ning, "  The  lark  is  up  to  meet  the  sun.  The  son  is 
out  upon  a  lark."  Here  one  of  the  seats  broke 
down,  and  the  fall  in  dry-goods  and  broadcloth 
was  tremendous.  This  occasioned  considerable 
excitement  and  merriment,  and  it  took  at  least 
ten  minutes  to  get  things  around  into  shape. 
Joshua  Wilkins  read  a  short  essav,  entitled 
"  Metaphysics  and  other  Physics— which  do  you 
like  best  ? "  Afterwards  AVilliam  Jones  delivered 
an  oration.  His  subject  was  "  Egotism  and 
Yougotism."  The  exercises  closed  with  a  feel- 
ing address  from  Parson  Wilks,  who  thanked  the 


THE    CULTIVATION    OF    ESTHETICS.  189 

audience  for  their  kind  attention  and  remarkable 
quietude,  and  hoped  to  meet  them  all  again  on  a 
similar  occasion  at  some  future  time.  The  com- 
mittee, whose  duty  it  was  to  see  who  goes  home 
with  who,  then  abruptly  retired  to  the  front  steps 
to  take  observations,  and  the  remaining  few 
slowly  followed.  The  fire  was  then  put  out 
together  with  a  drunken  man,  who  wanted  to 
fight ;  the  lamjps  were  extinguished,  and  the 
church  door  securely  locked.  The  entire  perform- 
ance may  be  regarded  as  a  success. 

Yours  elatedly, 

R.  S.  Tkueman. 


190       AN  UNEXPECTED  DEPARTUKE. 


LETTER  XXIX. 

AN    UNEXPECTED    DEPARTURE WITAT    MAY    BE    EX- 
PECTED  OF   PEOPLE    WHO    MISBEHAVE. 

Pine  Grove,  Feb.  12,  1871. 

^,^^  _  becomes  ray  painful  duty,  as  your  active, 
^X^  energetic  and  trntlifnl  corresj^ondent,  to 
transmit  to  you  an  account  of  a  fearful 
catastrophe  that  occurred  here  on  Saturday  night. 
The  circumstances  attending  it  are  so  very  pecu- 
liar, and  the  tragedy  so  extremely  singular,  that  I 
fear  I  sliall  be  unable  to  do  that  justice  to  the 
subject  vrhich  its  importance  demands.  How- 
ever, I  will  endeavor  to  narrate  the  facts  as 
briefly  and  simply  as  I  can,  and  leave  you  to 
make  sight  drafts  on  your  imagination  for  the 
balance  of  the  account.  About  ten  o'clock  on 
tlie  evening  of  Saturday  last,  after  nearly  all  the 
people  had  retired  for  the  night,  a  terrific  explo- 
sion occurred  in  the  west  part  of  the  village,  which 
startled    the    inhabitants    from     their  peaceful 


AN  UNEXPECTED  DEPARTURE.        191 

slumbers,  and  shook  the  ground  and  the  houses 
perceptibly.  Fearing  that  another  earthcpiake 
had  taken  place,  the  people  rushed  from  their 
dwellings,  clad  in  the  snowy  and  otlierwise  robes 
of  nio-lit,  and  a  o-reat  connnotion  and  locomotion 
ensued.  Women  fainted,  children  screamed  ;  and 
men  ran  hither  and  thither  in  a  state  of  extreme 
bewilderment  and  intense  excitement.  ISTo  furtlier 
explosion  taking  place,  a  numl)er  of  us  quieted 
the  fears  of  tlie  people  and  induced  them  to 
return  to  their  houses.  This  accomplished.  Parson 
Wilks,  Deacon  Amory,  Tommy  Jones  and  myself 
procured  lanterns,  and  went  up  the  road  from 
whence  the  noise  had  proceeded.  We  found  the 
place  just  at  the  outskirts  of  the  village.  The 
explosion  had  haj^peued  at  Mrs.  Stringer's.  Tlie 
front  fence  had  been  thrown  down  and  was  badly 
broken,  the  gate  was  lying  on  the  other  side  of 
the  road,  and  the  front  of  the  house  was  neai-ly 
demolished.  Windows  were  broken,  the  chimney 
overthrown,  doors  thrown  from  their  hinges,  and 
the  clapboards  wrenclied  off.  The  ground  in  tlio 
vicinity  M^as  blackened,  as  though  a  great  gun- 
powder explosion  had  taken  place.  For  some 
distance  up  and  down  the  road,  branches  of  trees, 
fence  pickets,  rails,  shingles,  and  broken  bricks 


192       AN  UNEXPECTED  DErARTL^EE. 

were  scattered  about,  presenting  a  frightful  and 
gliastlj  appearance.     On  entering  the  house  we 
found  Mrs.  Stringer  weeping  and  wringing  her 
hands  in  violent  grief,  and  it  was  some  time  be- 
fore she  became  calm  enough  to  give  any  sort  of 
explanation.     She  said  that  her  daughter,  and  a 
young  man  named  James  Lariper,  who  worked  in 
a  blacksmith  shop,  went  out  together  about  seven 
o'clock  to  spend   the  evening  at  the  house  of  a 
friend,    and  she    sat   up    to   await    their  return. 
Shortly  before  ten  slie  heard  thein  coming  up  the 
road,  and  presently  the   front  gate  was   opened 
and  shut.     About  a  minute  thereafter  the  explo- 
sion occurred,  which  stretched  her  senseless  upon 
her  own  hearthstone.     As  soon  as  she  recovered, 
she  rushed  out,  but  was  unable  to  find  the  slightest 
traces  of  either  her  daughter  or  lier  young  man. 
She  thought  the  whole  thing  was  a  conspiracy  on 
the  part  of  another  young  man  in  the  village,  who 
had  heretofore  been  keeping  company  with  her 
daughter,  but  whom  the  latter  had  jilted  and  taken 
ap  with  Lariper.     She  believed  that   the  jilted 
young  man  (whose  name  I  prefer  not  to  mention), 
fired  with  devilish  jealousy  and  ungovernable  rage, 
had  undermined  the  front  gate  with  powder,  and, 
watching  his  opportunity,  had  set  a  slow  match 


AN    UNEXPECTED    DEPAKTUi:E.  193 

to  it ;  and  the  explosion  had  been  so  well  tinicd 
that  the  fearful  result  had  followed  just  as  it  had 
been  planned.  The  explanation  was  regarded  l)y 
ns  as  somewhat  unreasonable,  knowing  the  young 
man  to  be  an  inoffensive  sort  of  fellow,  and  incap- 
able of  conceiving  and  carrying  out  such  a  mur- 
derous plot,  and  we  determined  to  give  the  mat- 
ter a  fuller  examination.  Pat  Sweeney  here  came 
in  and  said  that  he  was  passing  by  the  house  just 
before  the  explosion  occurred.  lie  noticed  Lariper 
and  Jane  Stringer  standin'g  by  the  gate,  and  being 
curiously  disposed,  he  watched  theui.  lie  saw 
Lariper  put  his  arm  around  Jane  and  kiss  licr, 
and  at  that  instant  he  saw  a  flash  close  by  them, 
and  heard  a  report  like  thunder.  lie  was  knock- 
ed down  by  the  explosion,  and,  as  soon  as  he 
could  get  up,  ran  for  home  with  all  speed.  We 
then  went  over  to  Mr.  Wilkins's  house,  where  Lari- 
per boarded,  and  rousing  up  the  folks  we  went  up- 
stairs to  his  room.  His  clothes  were  strewn  about 
the  place  in  confusion,  just  as  natural  as  any  one's  is 
who  dresses  in  a  hurry  to  go  out  and  see  his  girl. — 
On  the  table  we  found  a  bottle,  or  case,  labelled 
nitro-glycerine.  Mrs.  Wilkins  told  us  that  Lari- 
per had  been  troubled  with  sore  lips,  and  some 
one  had  told  him  that  glycerine  was  good  for 


iO-i  AN    UNEXPECTED   DEPAKTDKL:. 

what  ailed  him.  That  on  the  previous  day  he 
went  to  Rochester  and  procured  some,  as  he  sup- 
posed, and  had  just  jjut  some  on  liis  lips  that 
evening  for  the  first  time.  The  mystery  was 
solved.  Lariper  had  bought  the  wrong  compound, 
and  with  his  lips  saturated  with  the  explosive 
material,  had  kissed  Miss  Stringer,  and  the  con- 
cussion had  produced  the  catastrophe. 

There  never  was  a  rose  without  a  thorn,  a  joy 
without  a  sorrow.  There  never,  no,  never  was  a 
— but  it's  too  late  to  begin  a  sermon  now,  and  I  un- 
willingly refrain.  Nothing  has  been  found  of  the 
two  unfortunates  except  a  part  of  the  shawl  Miss 
Stringer  had  on,  and  which  was  discovered  in  the 
top  of  a  tree,  and  the  front  piece  of  Lariper's  cap 
and  one  of  his  boot  heels,  which  were  picked  up 
in  an  adjoining  lot.  Thus  perished  two  noble 
human  beings.  A  deep  gloom  has  been  shed 
over  the  community,  from  which  it  will  not  soon 
recover,  and  the  girls  of  the  village  have  been 
taught  a  lesson  which  they  will  not  readily  forget. 
Mournfully  yours, 

R.  S.  Teueivian. 


THE  NATIVITY  OF  ONE  GEORGE.      195 


LETTEE  XXX. 

IN    HONOK   OF   THE   NATIVITY   OF   ONE   GEOEGE. 

Pine  Grove,  Feb.  23, 

j^^  T  seems  like  a  liollow  mockei^  that  ho  at- 
^£^  tentioH  was  paid  to  Washington's  legal 
holiday  in  Rochester,  except  by  the  edi- 
tors of  newspapers,  who  are  noted  for  paying  at- 
tention to  anything  whereby  they  can  shirk  a  day's 
work,  and  get  ont  of  issuing  a  paper  at  a  time 
when  everybody  wants  to  see  one  the  most.  But, 
thank  fortnne  !  the  fires  of  patriotism  are  not  dead 
in  this  locality,  neither  do  they  smoulder,  but 
flash  in  brilliant  coruscations  from  our  giant  in- 
tellects, etc.  "VVe  think  too  much  of  our  uncles  and 
aiintcestors  for  that.  The  day  was  appropriately 
observed  in  the  evening  by  a  ball,  given  l)y  Tom- 
my Jones,  in  honor  of  Washington,  who  was  a  per- 
fect gentleman,  as  near  as  I  can  find  out  by  his  bi- 
ographers, who  may  be  prejudiced,  but  I  trust  not. 


196  the  nativity  of  one  geokge. 

The  Pbepakations. 

The  ball-room  of  the  tavern  was  transformed 
into  a  model  of  neatness.  Tommy  had  it  all 
swept  out,  even  under  the  seats ;  and  had  the 
windows  washed,  except  such  as  were  covered  up 
with  flags,  which  would  have  been  unnecessary 
work.  The  kerosene  lamps  were  decorated  with 
tissue-paper  embroidery,  left  over  from  fly  time 
last  summer  ;  two  pictures  of  the  great  forefather 
were  hitclied  up  with  strings  on  to  the  wall ;  the 
flag  of  our  country  was  festooned  in  graceful 
folds  over  the  front  window,  and  the  floor  was  bees- 
waxed until  it  was  a  matter  of  life  and  death  to 
maintain  one's  standing  and  dignity  in  crossing  it. 
Two  bird-cao;es  with  live  bii'ds  in  them  rested 
gracefully  upon  pedestals,  and  a  rat  trap,  with  a 
tame  rat  in  it,  called  blind  Tom,  on  account  of  his 
eyesight,  lent  its  beauty  to  the  scene.  The  entire 
arrangements  were  elegant,  grand,  and  unique, 
and  reflect  great  credit  upon  the  designer  and 
executer.  Tickets  were  placed  at  the  popular 
price  of  $1.  Supper  extra,  I  mean  the  price  for 
supper  was  extra,  not  the  supper.  Tommy  had  a 
skirmish  with  the  cook  the  day  before,  and  she 


THE   NATIVITY   OF    OJTE   GEORGE.  197 

quit,  SO  Mrs.  Jones  had  to  get  up  the  provender 
alone,  and  it  wasn't  very  good. 

The  Guests. 

Everybody  of  consequence — myself  among  the 
number — was  present.  On  general  principles  it 
is  wrong  to  go  to  balls,  but  what  can  one  do  on  a 
holiday,  when  there  is  no  other  way  to  celebrate 
except  to  dance?  Mrs,  Dany  had  on  an  alpaca 
dress,  with  two  furbelows  and  three  thingamajigs 
on  it.  I  don't  know  the  right  names,  and  I  can't 
get  satisfactory  answers  when  I  ask.  You  know 
what  I  mean.  She  took  Martha  Washington's 
character.  Mr.  Dana  had  on  his  Sunday  clothes 
and  a  pair  of  gloves,  which,  being  a  late  addition 
to  his  wardrobe,  he  was  observed  to  eye  with  won- 
dering curiosity  and  evident  satisfaction,  when 
he  thought  no  one  was  looking.  He  took,  but 
did  not  sustain,  the  character  of  a  gentleman, 
Mrs.  J.  Klinker  was  arrayed  in  a  dress,  which,  I 
am  confidentially  informed,  she  has  worn  three 
winters  at  least.  She  appeared  as  Martha  Wash- 
ington, and  was  surprised  to  find  six  others  who 
took  the  same  part,  Klinker  couldn't  come, 
being  busily  engaged  in  experimenting  on  per- 


198      THE  NATIVITY  OF  ONE  GEOEGE. 

petiial  motion  hj  observing  the  tail  of  his  dog, 
which  is  in  a  state  of  continual  wiggle.     Matilda 
Hooker  had  on  a  white   muslin  robe  de  party, 
with  low  sleeves  and  short  neck,  both  of  which 
became  her  greatly.     She  wore  an  artificial  rose- 
bud in  her  raven  locks,  and  danced  like  an  ano-el 
every  chance  she  could  get.     The  Amory  family 
came  in  their  own  lumber  wagon,  which  was  put- 
ting on  considerable  style,  as  they  only  lived  three 
doors  away.     They  were  all  dressed  to  kill,  par- 
ticularly Jimmy  Amory,  who  had  on  a  pair  of 
fine  boots.    Mr.  Amory  appeared  as  Washington, 
and  looked  about  as  much  like  our  departed  fore- 
father as  a  pumpkin  would  sculptured  into  a  jack- 
o'-lantern.      Mrs.  J.  Amory  came  as  an  Indian 
Princess,  with  a  hatchet  in  her  hand  ;  Parson  Wilks 
took  the  part  of  Demosthenes,  but  his  wife  had  no 
character  at  all.     Mrs.  Scroon  appeared  as  a  fairy 
queen,  and  wore  a  linen-colored   parasol,    lined 
with  red  silk,  which  was  quite  becoming  to  her 
complexion.     Altogether  about  forty  were  pres- 
ent, and  the  hall  was  brilliant  with  beauty— such 
as  it  was — and  elegance — what  there  was  of  it. 

The  Dance. 
The  Terpsichorean  performance  commenced  at 


THE  NATIVITY  OF  ONE  GEORGE.      199 

eight  o'clock.  Out  this  way  everybody  dances,  and 
the  fellows  and  girls  don't  stand  around  against 
the  wall,  pretending  they  can  dance,  but  don't 
care  to.  When  we  dance,  too,  we  dance.  We  do 
not  sidle  around  in  a  careless,  slipshod  way,  and 
walk  about  in  a  listless  manner  as  if  it  was  a  bore. 
We  go  in — that  expresses  the  idea.  Billy  Doo, 
the  little  Frenchman,  tuned  up  his  fiddle  ;  Johnny 
Horner  got  his  bugle  oiled,  and  Hank  Dubelbase 
pi-ejiared  his  violoncello  for  action.  The  people 
formed  for  a  cotillon,  five  sets  on  the  floor,  all 
merry  and  jolly  as  spring  chickens  before  decapi- 
tation overtakes  them,  and  away  they  went  at  the 
word  go.  All  hands  around,  swing  to  your  places, 
right  and  left,  ladies  change — the  way  Gerker 
kept  them  going  was  a  caution  to  people  with 
weak  ankles.  Then  they  danced  Virginia  reel, 
Monnie  Musk  and  Lady  Washington,  kicking  up 
their  festive  heels  in  bewitching  style ;  then  an- 
other cotillon,  and  so  on  until  midnight,  when- 
supper  was  announced. 

TuK   Supper. 

As  I  have  already  explained,  the  supper  was 
quite  poor.  The  boiled  potatoes  were  underdone, 
the  cabbage  had  been  cooked  in  too  much  water, 


■*' 


200  THE   NATIVITY   OF    ONE    GEORGE. 

the  onions  in  too  little,  and  the  biscuit  were  like 
putty  baked  with  a  crust.  Tlie  pork  was  tolerable, 
and  the  ham  was  well  enough,  except  that  the 
hand  that  seasoned  it  liad  been  too  prodigal  of 
salt.  The  cold  turkey  was  tough  and  stringy,  the 
cucumbers  hard  and  vinegarless,  but  the  ketchup 
was  bully.  A  cracker  pudding  was  served  up 
with  an  ointment  made  of  butter  and  brown  sugar, 
which  was  better  than  the  pudding.  AVarm  dried 
apple  pie,  cheese  and  hard  cider  concluded  this 
branch  of  the  festivities,  and  after  drinking  the 
toast,  "  George  "Washington  and  Tommy  Jones — 
the  first  and  last  in  the  hearts  of  their  country- 
men— long  may  they  wave,"  the  party  returned 
to  the  ball-room.  Dancing  was  resumed  and 
kept  up  until  three  o'clock,  when  the  company 
dispersed. 

To  Sum  Up. 

We  had  a  splendid  time.  Nothing  was  said  to 
offend  the  most  fastidious,  and  everything  passed 
off  like  a  June  day.  Of  course  there  were  three 
or  four  fights  down-stairs,  as  usually  happens  on 
such  an  occasion ;  and  George  Gilbert  found  it 
n^l^ssary  to  cori-ect  a  young  fellow  who  stepped 
on  his  wife's  dress  and  ripped  it,  but  he  did  it  so 


THE  NATIVITY  OF  ONE  GEORGE.      201 

neatly,  expeditions! j,  and  effectually,  that  it  was 
scarcely  noticed  in  the  ball-room  except  when  the 
folks  heard  the  young  fellow  going  down-stairs 
four  steps  at  a  time.  During  the  last  dance  some 
one  threw  a  bunch  of  lighted  fire- crackers  into  the 
hall,  which  made  a  general  scattering.  The  offi- 
cers of  the  law  are  after  the  miserable  perpetra- 
tor of  this  dastardly  outras'e,  whoever  she  or  he 
may  be,  and  no  social  standing,  or  influential  rela- 
tives, or  plethoric  pocketbook  can  shield  said  per- 
son from  punishment  in  case  a  capture  is  effected. 
Financially,  Tommy  Jones  cleared  about  $15,  of 
which  amount  he  proposes  to  donate  five  per  cent, 
to  the  church.  I  w^ish  "Washington's  bii'thday 
came  once  a  week,  instead  of  annually. 

Yours  all  over, 

R.  S.  Trueman. 
9* 


202        KEMAKKABLE    CLERICAL    rEKFOKMANCE. 


LETTER  XXXI. 

A  EEIIARKABLE  CLERICAL  PERFORMANCE IT    NEVER 

BEFORE    OCCURRED,     AND      NEVER    WILL     HAPPEN 
AGAIN. 

Pine  Grove,  Feb.  27. 

.jSW  WENT  to  clmrcli  last  nio-ht.  To  an  ont- 
m^  sider  tliis  might  appear  a  very  unimportant 
matter,  but  the  fact  is  it  is  something  very 
nnusnal  for  me  to  do.  I  generally  pass  my  Sun- 
day evenings  at  Tommy  Jones's  tavern,  where  we 
discuss  religious  topics,  and  very  profound  argu- 
ments we  have  too.  I  have  gained  a  gi-eat  deal 
of  useful  information  at  these  meetings,  and,  I 
have  reason  to  believe,  have  disseminated  not  a 
little.  It  was  my  intention  to  go  to  Tommy's 
last  night,  as  the  subject  of  Transmogrification 
was  to  come  up  for  elucidation.  But  on  Satur- 
day afternoon  I  received  the  following  love-letter: 
"Dear  Truey:— Rev.  L.  Wilks,  D.D.,  pie- 
sents  his  hand  and  heart  to  you,  and  expressly 


KEMAEKABLE   CLERICAL   PERFORMANCE.       203 

desires,  for  unanswerable  reasons,  that  you  pre- 
sent yourself  at  church  on  Sunday  night  and 
listen  to  one  of  the  rippingest  sermons  you  ever 
heard.  I  propose  to  give  my  congregation  jesse 
and  particular  fits.  He  wishes  for  once  that  you 
break  in  upon  your  ancient  custom  of  gathering 
yourself  around  the  hospital)le  fireplace  of  Mr, 
Jones,  as  I  know  you  are  in  the  habit  of  doing  every 
Sunday  night,  and  hearken  fo  some  palatal  truths. 
He  promises  you  more  f  nn  than  a  horse  can  draw. 
I  am  going  to  make  the  people  wince,  and  he 
wants  you  to  see  the  operation  ])erformed.  He 
will  not  take  No  for  an  answer.  Come  and  see 
nie.  Affectionately  yours, 

"  Eev.  a.  Wilks-,  D.D." 

What  a  letter  for  a  minister  to  write,  thought 
I.  What  with  his  "  he's "  and  "  I's,"  and  his 
uncommon  familiarity,  I  was  sur])rise(l  to  death, 
or  nearly  so.  I  believe  I  saw  the  point.  lie 
wanted  his  sermon  reported  for  the  newspapers, 
and  he  imagined  I  would  do  it.  I  hardly  knew 
what  to  do  at  first,  but  finally  I  wrote  a  brief  re- 
ply signifying  my  acceptance,  aii'l  carried  it  over 
to  him.  It  was  an  awful  sacrifice  to  give  up 
Tonnny  Jones's,  and  the  pitcher  of  warm  cider, 


204       EEMAEKABLE    CLERICAL    PERFORMANCE. 

well  pej)pered,  the  tobacco,  the  genial  spirits  that 
usually  assembled  there,  the  theological  jollity, 
and  all  those  little  points  that  go  to  make  np 
real  enjoyment;  but  I  did  it  like  a  man,  or 
martyr,  and  I  have  not  made  up  my  mind  which. 
I  went  over,  however,  and  found  the  church  well 
filled  with  people,  it  having  been  understood 
that  Parson  Wilks  was  to  throw  himself  exten- 
sively. Deacon  Amory  walked  me  into  his  pew, 
impudently  remarking  that  he  was  glad  to  see 
me  on  the  track  of  reformation.  The  parson 
evidently  had  made  extensive  preparations,  for 
all  around  him,  on  the  chairs,  and  pulpit,  and 
table,  and  floor,  were  piled  a  great  number  of 
books,  about  as  many  as  I  ever  saw  together  be- 
fore. There  were  bii»:  books  and  little  ones ; 
new  books  and  old  ones ;  gilt-edged  books  and 
books  in  plain  binding;  trim  and  neat-looking 
books,  and  shabby  books  with  leaves  all  askew 
and  evidently  in  the  last  stages  of  literary  con- 
sumption ;  books  by  ancient  authors  and  by 
modern  ones  ;  books  of  history,  of  theology,  of 
poetry  and  of  romance,  all  piled  around  the 
pulpit  in  wonderful  confusion.  It  looked  as 
though  Parson  Wilks  was  in  a  state  of  intellec- 
tual siege,  and  had  barricaded  himself  with  this 


REMARKABLE   CLEKTCAL   PERFORMANCE.        205 

literary  fortification,  to  prevent,  or  overcome,  the 
attacks  of  his  argumentative  enemies.  It  was  a 
singular-looking  scene,  and  one  sekhjin  seen.  I 
was  astonished,  amazed,  and  confounded.  So  was 
Deacon  Amorj.  So  were  all  of  them.  Parson 
Wilks  had  on  an  old  ragged  coat  (eccentricity), 
a  frayed  collar  (more  eccentricity),  and  the  bow 
of  his  necktie  was  twisted  around  under  his  right 
ear  (ignorance).  He  certainly  presented  a  very 
discreditable  appearance.  After  the  choir  had 
overtured  and  the  usual  prayer  had  been  prayed, 
Parson  Wilks,  more  nervous  and  excited  than  I 
ever  saw  him  before,  announced  his  text,  to  wit : 
"  It  may  be  better  to  give  something  than,  to  re- 
ceive nothing,  but  it's  hunky  to  receive,  never- 
theless." lie  said  the  world  was  divided  into 
two  classes,  givers  and  receivers.  If  he  were  to 
judge  the  outside  people  by  the  inhabitants  of 
Pine  Grove,  he  should  state  the  proportion  to  be 
one  giver  to  forty-nine  receivers.  Here  he  read 
Shakespeare's  "  Measure  for  Measure."  The  lib- 
erality of  most  men  consisted  of  profuse  expres- 
sions of  sympathy,  which  was  all  very  well  in  its 
way,  but  a  poor  way  at  best.  Sandwiches  made 
out  of  words  and  ideas  never  could  keep  the 
liimgry  from  starvation.     (Cheers.)     To  illustrate 


206        REMARKABLE   CLERICAL   PERFORMANCE. 

the  point  he  read  the  "  Prisoner  of  Chillon."  If 
charity  covereth  a  in  altitude  of  sins,  as  has  been 
suggested,  why  does  not  some  one  throw  a  mantle 
of  shinplasters  over  the  wickedness  of  Pine 
Grove  ?  (Tremendous  applause.)  Here  he 
quoted  largely  from  the  works  of  Zoroaster,  and 
read  two  chapters  of  Greeley's  History  of  the  Re- 
bellion. The  charity  of  Pine  Grove  was  like  a 
sore  throat,  so  enveloped  with  red  flannel  you 
couldn't  see  the  sore.  He  would  not  be  so 
nro-ent  in  this  matter,  but  we  ouo-ht  to  soar 
higher  in  our  benevolent  aspirations.  We  should 
cast  our  bread  upon  mill-ponds,  or  our  cake  would 
be  dough.  The  parson  then  read  fifty  j)ages  out 
of  Miss  Leslie's  cookery  book,  the  first  part  of 
Butler's  Analogy,  and  a  portion  of  Lalla  Kookli. 
Continuing  his  discourse,  he  said  it  was  plain  that 
while  it  was  the  duty  of  all  to  give  freely,  it  was 
equally  the  duty  of  all  to  receive  as  much  as  pos- 
sible. He  illustrated  this  by  reading  a  chapter 
from  "  Great  Expectations,"  introducing  Weni- 
niick  and  his  love  of  portable  property,  and  after- 
wards recited  that  wonderful  Hamletian  soliloquy, 
which  I  never  hear  without  shedding  tears  of  dis- 
tress, beginning,  "  To  give,  or  not  to  give — that's 
•what's  the  matter."     He  then  went  on  to  say  that 


KEMARTvABLE    CLERICAL    PERrOR:MANCE.         207 

charity  never  killed  any  one,  althoui^-h  he  knew  a 
few  whom  it  would  be  charity  to  kill.  He  looked 
at  me  very  impressively,  and  I  looked  at  him  in  a 
dignified  way,  pretending  that  I  did  not  know  he 
was  alludino;  at  me.  He  then  read  "  The  Robber's 
Revenge,"  "  Ivanhoe,"  "  Hiawatha,"  three  or  four 
of  Mrs.  Mulbach's  novels,  and  the  last  presidential 
message.  He  said  the  charity  of  the  people  was 
like  an  ostrich,  although  he  disliked  to  make  game 
of  suchasubject,  for  it  always  hid  its  head  in  the 
sands  of  time.  He  illustrated  this  by  reading  a 
few  chapters  of  natural  history,  and  a  rapid  re- 
view of  geological  formations.  By  this  time 
half  the  congregation  was  asleep,  and  the  other 
half  would  have  been,  had  not  madness  ruled  the 
hour  in  their  hearts.  By  dexterous  management 
the  parson  succeeded  in  keeping  their  attenticm 
fixed  upon  him,  using  such  means  as  knocking 
heavy  books  off  from  the  pulpit  upon  the  floor, 
stamping  with  his  feet,  and  talking  in  an  up- 
roarious tone  of  voice.  It  was  the  strangest  ser- 
raon  I  ever  listened  to.  He  quoted  and  read 
from  at  least  fifty  different  books,  and  his  sermon 
occupied  from  seven  until  eleven  o'clock.  No 
one,  not  even  himself,  knows  how  much  longer 
he  would   have  preached,  but   the   peojile   had 


208       EEMARKABLE   CLERICAL   PERFORMANCE. 

dropped  out  by  degrees  until  at  the  last-named 
hour  only  about  a  dozen  were  left  down-stairs. 
The  sexton  went  up  into  the  gallery  and  awoke 
tlie  choir,  and  when  they  had  sung  an  apology 
for  a  hymn,  as  choirs  are  apt  to  do  under  such 
adverse  circumstances,  the  meeting  adjourned.  I 
tried  to  take  a  short-hand  report  of  the  sermon  for 
your  benefit,  but  it  turned  out  the  longest  hand  re- 
port I  ever  wrote.  The  floor  of  the  pew  in  which 
I  sat  had  three  inches  of  lead-pencil  whittlings  on 
it,  and  I  got  so  sleepy  that  the  last  twenty  pages 
of  my  manuscript  are  almost  illegible.  It  took 
forty  cents'  worth  of  foolscap  to  write  it  down. 
I  shall  be  unable  to  attend  church  for  some  time. 
I  write  this  with  my  left  hand,  my  right  one 
being  disabled. 

Yours  distressedly, 

R.  S.  Teueman. 


AN   ACCOUNT   OF   AN   ELECTION.  209 


LETTER  XXXIL 

AN   ACCOUNT    OF    AN  ELECTION,    WHEREIN    FOEEOKDI- 
NATION   IS    SOMEWUAT   CONSPICUOUS. 

Pink  Geove,  March  8. 

i^l^ii^  E  had  an  election  here  yesterday,  which  I 
believe  to  have  been  unparalleled  in  the 
annals  of  Pine  Grove.  We  had  a  little 
difficulty  in  our  Republican  caucus  to  start  with, 
and  I  was  unexpectedly  beaten,  through  the  mach- 
inations of  Parson  Wilks,  John  Klinker  and  other 
shining  lights,  on  the  nomination  for  Justice  of 
the  Peace.  But  the  noble,  lion-hearted  Democra- 
cy, out  of  pure  sympathy  and  a  desire  to  strength- 
en the  balance  of  their  ticket,  put  me  on,  but  I 
don't  know  whether  I  am  elected  or  not.  In  fact, 
no  one  can  tell  who  the  lucky  fellows  are,  as  you 
will  learn  by  reading  this  letter.  The  Demo- 
crats have  made  us  lots  of  trouble  of  late  years 
by  counterfeiting  our  tickets,  and  the  question  was 


210       AN  ACCOUNT  OF  AN  ELECTION. 

ably  discussed  by  the  town  committee  as  to  the 
means  of   preventing  it  this  year.     The  best  sug- 
gestion was  made  by  Jimmy  Amory,  who  proposed 
that  the  Republican  ticket  be  written  out  with 
pen  and  ink,  and,  as  no  Democrat  here  can  write 
even  his  own  name,  it  would  be  utterly  impossible 
to  counterfeit  the  ballots.    The  suo-o-estion  did  not 
prevail,  however,  and  the  tickets  were  printed  in 
Itochester,  as  usual.    As  usual,  too,  the  Democrats 
had  counterfeit  ballots.     How  they  got  hold  of 
a  copy  of  the  genuine,  is  a  mystery  to  those  who 
don't  know  anything  about  it.     It  is  supposed, 
however,  that  Tommy  Jones  went  over  to  Deacon 
Amory's,  who  had  charge  of  the  tickets,  in  the 
night  time,  raised  the  window  of  the  deacon's  bed- 
room,  and,  with  a  long  stick  with  a  bent  pin  in 
the  end  of  it,  succeeded  in  abstracting  the  object 
of  his  ambition.     Much   as  I  am  opposed  to  the 
party,  I  cannot  but  honor  their  shrewdness  and 
bravery.     Being  a  justice  of  the  peace,  I  acted  as 
one  of  the  election  board.     Everything  passed  off 
quietly  until  noon,  when  there  was  an  unusual 
commotion  outside  the   tavern  where  the  polls 
were  held.     Presently,  amidst  great  cheering,  in 
came  Betsy  McCracken,  with  a  Democratic  ticket 
in  her  hand.     She  marched  up  to  the  ballot-box 


AN   ACCOUNT   OP    AN  ELECTION,  211 

and  handed  it  to  Tommv  Jones,  who,  seeino-  its 
political  complexion,  Avas  about  to  chuck  it  into 
the  box,  but  I  prevented  him,  and  handed  back 
the  ticket  to  Betsy.  She  was  highly  indignant, 
and,  judging  from  the  odor  of  gin  and  tansy 
(with  which  I  am  familiar)  that  she  brought  in 
with  her,  was  slightly  intoxicated.  "  Do  you  re- 
ject a  free  woman's  ballot  ? "  said  she,  striking  an 
attitude  which  was  not  very  impressive,  on  account 
of  her  having  a  wooden  leg.  "  The  constitution, 
ray  dear  Mrs.  IMcCracken,"  I  began  to  explain, 
"  is  the  bulwark  of  our  liberties,  and  has  been 
handed  down  to  us  by  our  celebrated  forefathei-s, 
of  whom  you  may  have  heard."  "  The  deWl  take 
the  four  or  five  fathers,"  said  she  in  a  serai-profane 
raairaer ;  "  all  I  want  to  know  is  whether  you  will 
take  this  certificate."  "  Have  you  been — ahera  ! 
— naturalized,  my  dear  ?  "  "  N'o,  but  I  have  been 
civilized.  It's  no  use  talking  butter  to  you.  I 
am  a  taxpayer,  and  I  demand  that  the  right  of, 
suffering  be  given  rae."  "  Why,  Betsy,"  said  I, 
"  you  are  not  a  taxpayer.  You  haven't  auy  prop- 
erty." "Indeed,  sir,  I  am  a  taxpayer.  I  pay  on 
my  dog  every  year,  and  three  dollars  at  that." 
"  Betsy,  ray  love,"  said  I,  somewhat  taken  back, 
"ycTur  claim  is  certainly  an  excellent  one,  and 


212       AN  ACCOUNT  OF  AN  ELECTION. 

your  idea  of  woman's  rights  is  certainly  commend- 
able. I  will  consult  with  my  associates  in  office." 
Tommy  Jones,  John  Wiley  and  myself  talked  the 
thing  over.  Tommy  was  in  favor  of  receiving 
the  ballot,  the  more  so  as  it  was  a  Democratic  one, 
but  the  rest  of  us  were  of  the  opinion  that  it 
would  be  illegal.  While  we  were  consulting  to- 
gether, in  came  Sam  Digly.  Sam  is  the  only 
colored  person  in  town,  and  quite  a  pet  in  conse- 
quence of  this  fact.  He  offered  his  ticket,  and 
it  was  taken,  and  put  into  the  ballot-box.  You 
should  have  seen  the  McCracken  then :  she 
stamped  her  wooden  foot  vehemently  ;  she  raved, 
and  tore  around  frio-htfullv,  and  delivered  one  of 
the  most  extraordinary  extemporaneous  orations 
I  ever  had  the  misery  of  hearing.  By  this  time 
the  crowd  in  the  bar-room,  excited  beyond  control 
by  the  curious  spectacle,  was  jostling  and  jam- 
ming around  in  a  fearful  way,  and  at  last,  with  a 
mighty  surge,  the  boys  pushed  over  the  table,  and 
the  ballot-box,  falling  upon  the  floor,  was  broken 
open  and  the  tickets  scattered  all  over.  "  Pi-otect 
the  purity  of  the  ballot,"  shouted  Tommy  Jones, 
making  herculean  efforts  to  get  hold  of  the  box. 
"We  will,"  cried  out  a  dozen  other  Democrats 
pressing  forward  to  assist.     The  box  was  secured, 


AN    ACCOUNT   OF    AN   ELECTION.  213 

the  tickets  picked  up  and  placed  in  it,  and  when 
we  had  nailed  it  up,  and  order  had  been  restored, 
the  voting  proceeded.  I  noticed  some  of  the 
Democrats  whispering  together  during  the  after- 
noon and  feeling  unusually  jolly,  which  was 
rather  an  uncommon  circumstance.  I  observed 
that  even  Tommy  Jones  relaxed  in  vigilance  and 
didn't  challenge  more  than  thirty  voters,  which 
action  on  his  part  was  somewhat  surprising,  as  he 
always  makes  it  a  point  to  challenge  at  least  half 
the  Eepublican  voters.  When  the  election  closed 
the  poll  list  showed  that  318  names  of  voters  had 
been  registered.  We  opened  the  Ijox — of  all  as- 
tonishing things  this  was  the  astonishingeet — and 
counted  the  ballots,  and  there  were  774  tickets  in 
that  box,  and  690  of  them  were  Democratic,  be- 
sides two  bunches  of  fifty  each  which  were  tied 
together,  and  which  looked  suspicious.  You 
should  have  heard  Tommy  Jones  blow  np  the 
Town  Clerk  for  not  keeping  a  correct  list  of  the 
voters  !  Well,  to  make  a  short  story  a  little  longer, 
the  Election  Board  refused  to  make  a  canvass,  ex- 
cept Tommy  Jones,  who  went  on  alone  and  made 
one,  and  reported  the  entire  Democratic  ticket 
elected  by  over  600  majority.  There  are  some 
people  who  think  that   when  Tommy  cried  out 


214       AN  ACCOUNT  OF  AN  ELECTION. 

to  preserve  the  purity  of  the  ballot,  that  he  did 
not  mean  what  he  said,  and  acted  accordingly. 
1  don't  know  how  the  thing  will  be  decided,  but 
I  presume  it  will  be  thrown  into  the  hands  of  the 
Board  of  Supervisors.  If  the  Eoard  accept  the 
returns,  why  then  I  shall  continue  in  office  as 
Justice  of  the  Peace.  I  hurriedly  close.  Diimer 
is  nearly  ready,  for  I  smell  the  onions. 
Hungrily  yours, 

R.  S.  Tbueman. 


WEATUEK   AND    INSPIRATION.  215 


LETTEPt  XXXIII. 

ABOUT   THE   WEATHER,    AND    WHAT     INJURY    IT    CAN 
DO    IN    THE   WAY    OF    INSPIRATIONS. 

Pine  Gkove,  MarcJi  15. 

N  all  my  correspondence  with  your  excel- 
lent chronicling  and  Democratic  jonrnal,  I 
have  heretofore  studiously  avoided  making 
the  slightest  allusion  to  the  weather,  I  can  lay 
that  flattering  unction  to  my  soul,  anyway,  as  a 
certain  poet  says  whose  name  I  do  not  remember. 
Wliat  I  have  suffered  and  endured  in  feeling  by 
so  doing  is  known  only  to  my  family,  who  have 
had  to  catch  it  in  consequence  of  my  forbearance. 
When  I  am  not  blowing  to  you  I  have  to  blow  at 
them,  to  even  the  thing  up.  Wliat  you  have  been 
spared  by  my  generosity  ought  to  call  forth  your 
heartfelt  thanks,  and  I  have  a  right  to  expect,  and 
hope  to  receive,  a  generous  reward  in  token  of 


216  WEATHER    AND   INSPIRATION. 

your  appreciative  spirit.  But  at  last  the  time 
has  come  for  me  to  gush.  I  cannot  hold  in  any 
longer.  The  invigorating  influence  of  this  new 
spring  balm  is  too  powerful,  and  I  must  let 
off  steam.  The  rising  of  the  sun  nowadays  is 
perfectly  delicious,  as  my  daughter  quaintly  re- 
marks. Tlie  fading  darkness ;  the  gray  twi- 
light ;  the  ligliting  up  of  the  eastern  sky ;  the 
rising  of  the  valley  mists ;  the  crimson  blush 
of  early  morn  ;  the  scattering  of  the  fleecy 
clouds ;  the  flnal  appearance  of  the  god  of  day 
on  the  stao-e  of  action  after  nature  has  ivjlled 
up  the  curtain  of  niglit — all  these  ai-e  sweet 
and  refreshing  to  the  hungry  soul  panting  for 
communion  with  essentiality.  (N.B. — I  stole  that 
last  sentence  out  of  an  old  composition  that  my 
daughter  wrote,  and  it  sounded  so  kind  of  pretty 
I  thought  I  would  pass  it  off  for  my  own.)  I 
don't  go  much  on  personal  observation  of  sun- 
rises, and  am  perfectly  willing  to  take  anybody's 
word  to  any  extent  concerning  that  spectacle 
rather  than  investigate  it  myself.  I  never  got 
up  but  once  in  my  life  to  see  the  sun  get  up, 
and  I  never  felt  so  miserable  in  all  my  born 
days  after  the  show  was  over.  All  the  day 
I  couldn't  get  over  the  impression  that  I  hadn't 


WEATHEK    AND   INSPIEATION.  217 

had  any  sleep  in  a  month.  But  such  weather 
as  we  are  having  here  in  Pine  Grove  is  worth 
looking  after  and  keeping.  We  can  sit  out  in 
the  open  air  all  day  long  on  the  tavern  steps,  and 
lay  out  our  plans  for  our  spring  work,  and  talk 
about  the  people,  and  abuse  them  just  as  natu- 
rally. And  all  this  in  the  slandered  month  of 
March,  too!  ^yhere's  your  Aveather  prophets, 
and  such  like,  now  ?  I  have  written  thusly  merely 
as  an  introduction  to  a  sweet  little  pastoral  poem 
on  spring,  which  I  have  kindly  consented  to  in- 
corporate into  my  letter,  and  I  didn't  know  how 
to  present  it  in  any  other  way  so  that  it  would 
come  in  properly.  Is  it  necessary  for  me  to  say 
that  the  poem  is  from  the  heart,  head,  and  pen  of 
my  accomplished  and  lovely  daughter,  Maudrine 
LiLLiANE  Tkueman  ?     I  trust  not. 

Springtide. 

Oh,  goodness !  ain't  I  tickled 

To  find  that  spring  is  here — 

The  balmy  air,  the  sunshine, 

And  all  I  love  so  dear  ? 

I'd  trade  off  all  the  winters  (and  be  glad  to  do  it)  that  I  ever 

saw  or  knew,  j 

If  all  springs  that  are  yet  to  come  (and  I  don't  care  how 

many  there  may  be)  were  like  this — wouldn't  you  ? 
10 


218  WEATHEK   AND    INSPIRATION. 

It's  nice  to  go  out  walking 

Without  your  hat  or  shawl, 
And  you  needn't  wear  your  rubbers 
For  fear  you'll  slip  and  f aU  ; 
For  now  the  sidewalks  are  all  dry  (leastwise  all  the  plank 

ones  are),  you  need  not  fear  to  go, 
And  leave  your  shoes  and  stockings  off  (and  I  tell  you  its 
splendid  to  go  barefooted) — where's  the  harm  I'd  like  to 
know  ? 

It's  lovely  for  to  snufE  up 

The  pure,  clear  air  of  naom, 
And  sweet  to  watch  the  sunrise 
The  hills  and  vales  adorn, 
And  let  the  gentle  breezes  kiss  (and  I  prefer  them  to  any  of 
the  fellows  I  know  anything  about)  your  hair  and  blow 
your  nose — 
I  tell  you  what  it's  lots  of  fun  (and  cheap  too)  as  you  can 
well  suppose. 

It  makes  me  feel  so  frisky, 
I  don't  know  wliat  to  do 
But  laiigh  and  kick  my  heels  up 
And  feel  so  good  all  through, 
To  think  that  Spring  has  sprung  a  trap  (and  I   hope   it  wiU 
always  be  such  a  successful  hunter  as  it  has  proved  this 
time)  and  caught  the  Winter  fast, 
And,  oh,  I  most  sincerely  hope  (and  if  it  goes  back  on  its 
promise  I'll  be  madder  than  fiu-y)  the   reformation'!! 
last. 

As  no  ideas  of  ray  own  coiicerning  this  elegant 


AVEATllEK   AKD    mSPIKATION.  219 

weather  can  be  of  any  account  after  reading  this 
poem,  I  will  destroy  them  and  bury  them  in  the 
grave  of  forgetf ulness. 

Solemnly  yours  truly, 

R.  S.  Tkueman. 


220  mcroENTS  aj^^d  accidents. 


LETTER  XXXir. 

INCIDENTS    AND   ACCIDENTS. 

PmE  Grote,  March  17. 
Peccavi. 

cfs^  WOULD  like  to  discount  about  twenty-five 
L'^s-ji^  per  cent,  from  the  statements  made  in  my 
last  letter  concernino-  the  weather.  I  knew 
at  the  time  it  was  rash  to  go  very  heavy  on  the 
month  of  March,  but  I  did  feel  so  good  over  the 
balmy  days  and  the  fair  prospect  of  their  contin- 
uance, that  I  permitted  my  feelings  to  overpower 
my  judgment.  There  is  only  one  way  now  to 
rectify  the  error,  and  you  can  do  it  if  you  under- 
stand the  rectifying  business.  I  request  as  a  mat- 
ter of  friendship  (and  if  you  love  me  as  much  as 
you  pretend  to,  you  will  do  it)  that  you  proceed 
speedily  to  collect  the  entire  edition  of  the  Demo- 
orat  and  Clironide  containing  my  unfortunate 
letter,  and,  having  done  so,  destroy  by  fire  the  evi- 


INCIDENTS   AND   ACCmENTS.  221 

dence  of  my  weakness.     My  daughter  joins  with 
me  in  this  little  request  and  seconds  the  motion. 

Local  Items. 

We  do  not  have  many  occurrences  here  that 
would  interest  you.  Whenever  anything  unusual 
takes  place  I  always  notify  you,  and  give  you  a 
conscientious  and  truthful  report.  I  wouldn't 
give  any  other  kind.  I  couldn't  do  otherwise. 
Not  having  any  fancy  to  fall  back  upon,  I  can 
deal  only  in  facts.  It  gives  me  pleasure  to  inform 
you  that  Mrs.  Stringer  has  a  felon  on  her  hand  as 
big  as  a  pumpkin,  or  smaller.  She  has  them  so 
much  that  the  people  talk  about  indicting  her  for 
felon-y  and  make  her  furnish  the  evidence.  Mrs. 
Dany  has  got  a  boil,  which  she  tried  to  keep  to 
herself,  but  in  spite  of  all  she  could  do  it  leaked 
out.  Matilda  Hooker  has  the  rheumatism  bad, 
and  from  this  I  conclude  that  she  is  a  member  of 
the  Sore-ossis.  (Explanation :  This  joke  is  intend- 
ed only  for  students  and  understanders  of  Latin. 
If  I  had  only  been  born  in  Latinny,  and  this  paper 
was  published  there,  everybody  could  see  the 
point  without  my  calling  especial  attention  to  it. 
I  dislike  to  write  out  an  exposition  of  its  shrewd- 


222  INCroENTS    AND    ACCIDENTS. 

ness,  and  tell  the  reader  what  a  noble  thing  it  is, 
because  it  has  a  tendency  to  make  it  thin,  but  I 
do  want  to  have  it  appreciated ;  maybe  I  can 
never  execute  another  like  it.)  Mr.  Wiley  has  had 
his  axe  ground,  and  offered  to  bet  that  he  can 
chop  9,000  cords  of  wood  in  thirty  jears,  and  at- 
tend church  regularly.  Betsy  McCracken  broke 
her  lamp  yesterday,  but  can't  tell  how  she  did  it. 
She  wants  a  little  light  on  the  subject.  It  was  a 
nice  lamp.  Everybody  thought  it  a  brilliant  one 
when  lighted.  There  was  considerable  excite- 
ment here  on  Wednesday.  While  I  was  showing 
my  daughter  how  to  split  wood  and  save  her  poor 
old  father  a  portion  of  his  hard  work,  a  message 
was  sent  to  me  that  a  waiter  at  Tommy  Jones's 
tavern  had  fallen  out  of  the  second  story  window 
upon  the  sidewalk,  and  had  been  seriously  injured. 
I  went  right  down  there,  and  found,  to  my  chag- 
rin, that  the  waiter  was  an  old  tea-tray  that  Mrs. 
Jones  had  accidentally  let  fall,  and  that  one  corner 
of  it  where  it  struck  was  a  little  jammed.  I  after- 
wards went  to  see  the  messeno:er.  I  found  him, 
lie  had  an  unpleasant  smile  on  his  features.  Lest 
it  might  appear  like  boasting,  I  will  not  state 
what  I  did  to  that  messenger,  but  merely  remark 
that  I  understand  he  is  at  present  under  the  care 


INCIDENTS    AND    ACCIDENTS.  223 

of  an  eminent  doctor  of  your  city,  and  that  he  will 
be  wholly  nnable  for  some  time  to  come  to  per- 
petrate any  more  serious  jokes  on  yours  truly, 
or  anybody  else's  truly.  There  was  a  great  de- 
struction of  tea  here  yesterday  afternoon,  and 
the  price  has  gone  up  ten  cents  a  pound.  It  was 
occasioned  by  the  Sewing  Society  having  one  of 
its  regular  weekly  gossips.  Tommy  Jones  has 
got  a  new  almanac  for  this  year,  which  actually 
tells  the  state  of  the  weather  for  every  day  in  the 
season.  It's  awful  handy.  You  can  look  ahead 
and  see  when  it  will  rain  or  snow,  or  be  pleasant, 
and  make  your  calculations  accordingly.  It  runs 
a  little  singular  to  be  sure,  but  I  guess  it's  all  right. 
Thus :  1,  2,  3,  j^leasant ;  4,  5,  6,  rainy ;  7,  8,  9, 
clear  and  cold  ;  10,  11,  12,  cloudy  and  hot ;  and 
then  it  g(^es  back  to  first  principles,  like  this :  13, 
14,  15,  pleasant ;  16,  17,  18,  rainy ;  19,  20,  21, 
clear  and  cold  ;  and  so  on,  just  like  the  circulat- 
ing decimals  in  arithmetic  we  used  to  swear  about 
in  our  school  days.  This  looks  a  little  queer,  but, 
as  I  am  not  much  of  a  judge  of  almanacs,  my 
opinion  concerning  it  wouldiTi  bo  of  any  value. 

I  would  like  to  tell  yoti  about  a  ]ic\v  suit  of 
clothes  Captain  Long  has  just  bought,  and  a  new 
set  of  hair-pins  his  wife  has  got,  and  a  great  many 


224:  INCIDENTS    AND    ACCIDENTS. 

Other  things  that  I  know  would  interest  you,  but  I 
am  getting  up  an  "  Encyclopedia  for  Imitators," 
and  this  takes  about  all  my  time. 
Hard  workingly  yours, 

K.  S.  Tkueman. 


USEFUL   KNOWLEDGE.  225 


LETTER  XXXV. 

OUK  CORRESPONDENT  INCREASES  HIS  GROCERY  STORE 
OF  USEFUL  KNOWLEDGE,  AND,  AFTER  LEARNING 
ALL  HE  CARES  TO,  SEEKS  THE  SHADES  OF  HIS 
HOME    SOMEWHAT    SURREPTITIOUSLY. 

Pine  Grove,  March  25. 


PEN  this  letter  more  in  sorrow  than  in 
^^    wrath;  in  a  spirit  of  deep  humility  ;  with 

all  my  pride  vanished,  and  amidst  the  dis- 
pelling of  ambitious  hopes.  Personally,  I  feel 
like  a  wet  dish-cloth.  If  it  were  not  for  my  posi- 
tion in  society  here,  and  the  carrying  out  of  the 
great  work  of  regeneration  and  moral  improve- 
ment in  which  I  am  so  actively  engaged,  I  should 
feel  inclined  to  follow  the  advice  of  one  lago  and 
go  hang  myself.  But,  as  I  am  situated,  I  propose 
to  see  the  show  out  if  it  lasts  all  summer.  The 
entertainment  has  been  very  fair  so  far,  and  I 
think  I  had  better  stay  to  the  afterpiece.     You 

Bee  I  had  just  set  up  a  long  row  of  mental  blocks 
10* 


226  USEFUL    KNOWLEDGE. 

ill  a  straiglit  line,  aiid,  while  intellectually  con- 
templating them,  some  one  up  and  hit  the  first 
one,  it  hit  its  neighbor,  it  fell  against  the  next 
one,  and  so,  rap-i-ty-rap,  away  they  all  tumbled. 
'Twas  ever  thus  from  childhood's  hour.  For 
some  time  I  have  been  treading  very  lightly  on 
the  moral  corns  of  our  Pine  Grove  people,  and 
have  been  congratulating  myself  that  all  our  old 
scores  had  been  settled  and  receipts  passed.  I 
had  even  made  up  my  mind  that  I  was  quite  a 
literary  character,  and  that  the  folks  here  appreci- 
ated me.  I  believed  that  I  had  been  successful 
in  dragging  Pine  Grove  out  of  the  obscurity  in 
which  it  had  been  enveloped,  and  placing  it  be- 
fore the  eye  of  the  public  in  all  its  native  mod- 
esty and  brilliancy.  I  have  been  undeceived  ; 
my  fond  hopes  have  received  a  black  eye.  Here 
is  what  did  it.  On  Tuesday  afternoon  the  Sew- 
ing Society  held  a  meeting  for  a  little  sewing 
and  a  good  deal  of  tea  and  an  immense 
quantit}^  of  talk,  at  the  house  of  Deacon  Robert 
Amory.  I  had  long  had  a  desire  to  ascertain 
what  thirty  women,  who  had  neither  the  right  to 
vote,  nor  swear,  nor  drink,  nor  chew  tobacco, 
could  find  to  talk  about  through  the  entire  after- 
noon and  evening.     Place  an   equal  number  of 


TJSEFUL    KNOWLKDGE.  227 

men  in  tbe  same  situation  and  I  will  guarantee 
that  at  least  half  of  them  will  dis;  out  within  an 
hoiu",  and  the  remainder  cut  their  own  throats  if 
comj)elled  to  stay.  Being  friendly  with  Jinuny, 
the  Deacon's  son,  I  got  him  to  secrete  me  in  a 
room  off  from  the  parlor,  where  there  wasn't  any 
danger  of  being  disturbed,  and  where  1  could 
hear  everything  that  was  said.  It  was  managed 
so  nicely  that  no  one  but  Jimmy  and  myself 
knew  anvthincr  about  it.  About  one  o'cloclc  the 
women  assembled  on  the  come-early-and-stay-late 
and  not  -  go  -  awav  -  while  -  there  -  is  -  an  v  thing;  -  left  - 
to-eat-principle,  and  shortly  after  the  chairwoman, 
Mi"8.  Scroon,  tried  to  call  them  to  order^  which, 
of  course,  she  didn't.  The  roll  was  then  called, 
and  three  ladies  who  were  absent  were  fined  each 
half  a  pound  of  young  hyson  tea,  at  which  all 
the  rest  smacked  their  lips  with  a  degree  of  sat- 
isfaction that  was  pleasant  to  observe.  After 
this  Mrs.  Scroon  said  the  conversation  at  the  last 
meeting  had  been  of  a  desultory  character,  and 
she  desired  that  the  Society  at  its  present  session 
attend  more  strictly  to  business.  She  tlicn  an- 
nounced the  subject  for  discussion  to  be  Ti.  S. 
Trueman.  Imao-ine  mv  feelings !  Fear  and 
curiosity  alone  prevented  me  from  jumping  out  of 


228  USEFUL   KNOWLEDGE. 

the  window  and  fleeing  from  the  wrath  to  come ! 
The   chairwoman  then  called  for  tlie  speakers 
on  the  affirmative.     Would  you  believe  it — not  a 
man  of  them  responded !     My  situation  was  be- 
coming disagreeable.     When   the  negative  was 
called,  no  less  than  twenty  began  talking  all  at 
once,  and  the  hubbub  was  so  great  it  was  impos- 
sible to  understand  anything.     But  Mrs.  Scroon 
quieted  them  down  after  a  little,  tellino-  them 
that  she  appreciated  their  anxiety  to   talk,  and 
didn't  blame  them  a  particle  for  wanting  to  be 
heard,  but  she  thought  that  business  would  be 
expedited    by   hearing    the   speakers   in   order. 
She  therefore  would  first  call   upon  Mrs.  Dan}^ 
Mrs.  Dauy  said  she  always   considered   that  'ar 
Trueman  a  villain  of  the  deepest  dye  material, 
and  had  often  wondered  how  he  came  to  live  in 
these  days  of  culture  and  refinement.     He  ought 
to   have   been   born   and    associated  with   Dick 
Turpin  and   Sixteen  String  Jack.     That  would 
have   been   his   proper  place.     She  was  of  the 
opinion  that  he  was  only  let  to  live  to  show  folks 
how   wicked    a    man    could    be    and    still    exist. 
Matilda  Hooker  rose  to  state  her  fervent  belief 
that  no  pu]iishment  here  or  hei-eafter  could  be 
found   sufficiently  severe   to   meet   the   case  of 


USEFUL   KNOWLEDGE.  229 

Truemaii.  She  would  like  to  run  liiin  tlirougli  a 
clothes-wringer,  and  make  him  as  flat  as  his 
Pine  Grove  letters  are.  Mrs.  Stringer  said  that 
this  'ere  Trueman  had  poked  fun  at  her  in  the 
newspapers  because  she  had  a  felon.  If  she  only 
fell  ou  him  once,  the  Democrat  and  Chronicle 
would  be  obliged  to  find  a  new  correspondent. 
Mrs.  AYilej  desired  to  remark  that  it  was  a 
shame  for  this  fiend  to  pul)lish  sncli  a  lot  of 
trash  as  his  daughter's  poetry.  Wliy,  she  her- 
self could  take  a  broom  for  a  pen,  a  l)uc-ket  of 
tar  for  a  bottle  of  ink,  a  ten-acre  lot  for 
a  sheet  of  paper,  and  write  better  poetry  in 
five  minutes  than  Maudrine  Trueman  could  in 
a  year.  The  girl  herself  was  as  nice  a  girl  as 
ever  ate  bread  and  butter  and  ci'ied  for  more, 
but  her  dad  was  continually  putting  her  up  to 
write  trash  for  his  own  use,  and  he  makes  her 
think  that  these  poems  are  the  Avork  of  inspira- 
tion. Miss  Spilkum  said  that  she  believed  all  of 
Trueman's  letters  were  the  work  of  ginspiration. 
If  she  were  only  Shylock,  she  would  demand,  not 
one  pound  of  Trueman's  flesh  in  expiation  of  his 
evil  deeds,  but  102  ]><iini(ls.  (This  is  my  exact 
avoirdupois.)  Mrs.  Hornby  was  disgusted  with 
the  airs  them  Truemans  put  on,  just  because  the 


230  USEFUL   KNOWLEDGE. 

old  man  wrc)te  lying  letters  to  the  papers.  She 
wished  that  she  had  learned  to  write  in  girlhood's 
sunny  hours  ;  she'd  show  this  audacious  inter- 
meddler  what  was  that..  Mrs.  Jewjaw  expressed 
an  opinion  that  hanging  would  be  benefieial  to 
this  scoundrel  Triieman,  and  the  longer  time  he 
remained  strung  up  the  less  probability  there 
would  be  of  his  continuing  his  infamous  literary 
career.  She  offered  to  o-o  for  a  clothes  line.  The 
proposition  was  greeted  with  vociferous  applause, 
and,  pending  a  vote,  I  thought  it  both  becoming 
and  proper  in  me  to  get  out  of  the  way  with  all 
the  celerity  I  could  command,  I  carefully  raised 
a  window,  jumped  out,  and  made  the  best  time  on 
record  for  home.  I  don't  know  what  to  do.  I 
am  living  in  mortal  teri'or.  I  dare  not  show  my- 
self ujDon  the  street,  lest  an  infuriated  mob  of 
Amazons  set  upon  me  with  a  view  of  trying  a 
hempen  experiment.  I  do  not  like  to  be  experi- 
mented upon.     I  always  make  a  failure  of  it. 

Distractedly  yours, 

R.  S.  Trueman". 


AUSCULTATORY    UNFORTUNATES.  231 


LETTER  XXXVl. 

AUSCULTATORY    UNFORTUNATES,    AND   ANOTHER   UN- 
FORTUNATE. 

Pink  Grove,  March  27,  1871. 


iINCE  I  lightly  hinted  to  Parson  Wilks  that 
I  thought  my  life  would  not  be  shortened 
if  I  failed  to  read,  or  hear  read,  his  written 
mumblings,  I  have  not  been  troubled  with  him. 
His  appearance  with  his  warm  roll  of  manu- 
script had  become  so  frequent  that  every  day 
was  a  read-letter  day.  I  knew,  though,  that  his 
machine  could  not  so  easily  be  stopped,  and  al- 
though I  must  have  interfered  somewhat  with 
his  main-spring  of  action,  I  was  confident  that 
the  disease  would  break  out  in  a  new  spot  before 
any  alarming  length  of  time  intervened.  So  I 
was  not  at  all  surprised  when  I  opened  the  back 
door  this  murniug,  to  let  Mrs.  Trucman  out  to 


232  AUSCULTATORY   UNFORTUNATES. 

Bplit  lip  the  kindling  wood  for  breakfast,  to 
find  a  large  envelope  on  the  threshold.  I  opened 
it,  removed  the  extract,  and  found  the  follow- 
ing: 

AUSCULTATORY   UNFORTUNATES. 

It  may  perhaps  be  as  well  to  state  at  the  out- 
set of  this  essay  that,  notwithstanding  the  pro- 
fessional appearance  of  the  title,  this  is  not  a 
therapeutic  thesis.  It  has  little  of  medicinal 
properties  or  diagnostic  qualities  in  its  composi- 
tion ;  it  has  no  remedies  to  recommend  or  to 
advertise,  and  the  writer  has  no  commission  to 
secure  from  the  sale  of  those  that  might  be  pro- 
posed. Indeed,  so  far  from  relating  to  bodily 
ills,  it  will  be  found  devoid  of  any  allusion  to 
such  misfortunes  and  will  confine  itself  strictly 
to  the  consideration  of  an  important  branch  of 
social  ethics. 

But  the  long-winded  inscrijjtion  is  by  no 
means  an  unnecessary  or  an  unnatural  one.  It 
expresses  in  two  words  that  for  which  an  entire 
column  will  have  to  be  used  for  the  purpose  of 
elucidation.  It  is  terse  and  compact.  It  is  the 
concentration  of  the  odor  of  a  bunch  of  violets 
into  a  single  drop  of  perfume.  It  is  the  entire 
production  reduced  bv  mental  hydraulic  pressure 


AUSCULTATOKT    UNFORTUNATES.  233 

into  a  single  line.  So  much  by  way  of  explana- 
tion of  the  doorplate  of  this  essay. 

Auscultatory  unfortunates  are  those  people 
who  never  hear  anything  aright,  whether  it  be 
told  to  them  in  the  lightest  of  whispers,  or  in 
trumpet-tougued  accents.  It  matters  little 
what  the  subject  is  about:  a  choice  tidbit  of 
scandal ;  the  trimming  of  Mrs.  Brown's  new 
dress ;  the  estimated  value  of  the  new  piano 
that  the  Perkinses  have  bought ;  what  Mrs.  A. 
said  to  Mrs.  B.,  who  told  her  husband,  who  re- 
lated it  to  a  friend,  who  rehearsed  it  to  the 
unfortunate — all  these  things,  and  thousands  of 
other  things  that  enter  into  life's  daily  occur- 
rences, never  go  direct  from  the  tympanum  to 
the  brain  of  this  class  of  hearers,  but  become 
magnified  and  distorted  even  during  that  trifling 
journey. 

If  this  ended  the  matter  the  evil  might  be 
borne  in  silence.  If  the  active  imagination  could 
be  allowed  to  have  full  swav,  and  the  hearer  not 
be  permitted  to  make  use  of  that  unruly  member, 
the  tongue,  why  then  the  imagination  might 
revel  in  all  its  power,  and  no  injury  could  be 
done  save  to  the  mental  reveller,  which  damage 
would  be  of  little  consequence  to  any  one  else. 


234  AUSCULTATORY    UNFORTUNATES. 

But,  alas!  since  the  sharing  of  secrets  with 
friends  has  come  into  fashion  and  practice,  there 
is  no  stopping.  The  friend  to  whom  the  secret 
is  conhded  has  another  friend  who  must  hear 
with  her  the  burden,  and  the  latter  has  a  very 
dear  accpiaintance  who  ought  to  know  it,  and 
so  the  story,  whatever  it  may  be,  spreads  from 
pole  to  pole,  until  the  whole  world  is  acquainted 
with  the  affair,  and  perfectly  understands  every- 
thing that  really  has  happened,  and  along  with 
it  a  hundred  other  things  that  never  did  happen. 

It  can  easily  be  imagined  what  the  effect  must 
be  when  one  of  these  persons,  who  never  hear 
ariffht,  wholesales  some  information  to  another 
who  is  troubled  with  the  same  misfortune,  and 
who,  conscious  of  the  importance  of  the  com- 
munication, and  seized  with  an  ambitious  desire 
to  disseminate  the  news,  bursts  the  bonds  of  the 
sacred  pledge  never  to  tell  as  long  as  she  lives 
really  and  truly,  and  goes  into  the  retailing  busi- 
ness. The  story  will  probably  run  after  this 
manner. 

Mrs.  A.  to  Mrs.  B.— "  I  hear  that  Miss  Blink- 
mn  is  about  to  marry  a  gentleman  of  wealth." 

Mrs.  C.  to  Mrs.  D. — "  I  learn,  on  the  best  of 
authority,  that  Miss  Blinkum  is  going  to  be  mar- 


AUSCULTATORY    UNFORTUNATES.  235 

ried  to  a  gentleman  from  New  York.  They  say 
he  moves  in  the  best  society  and  is  reported  to  be 
worth  $100,000.     But  you  need  not  mention  it." 

Mrs.  D.  to  Miss  E. — "  O  Jerusha,  have  you 
heard  the  news  ?  Miss  Blinkum  is  on  the  point 
of  marrying  a  gentleman  named  Greeny,  who  is 
in  business  in  New  York,  and  who,  I  am  given 
to  understand,  is  a  millionaire.  He  has  a  splen- 
did house  on  the  avenue,  and  a  country  seat  at 
Newport,  and  is  almost  worshipped  by  all  his 
acquaintances." 

Miss  E.  (spitefully)  to  Miss  F.— "  Say,  did  you 
know  that  everybody  is  talking  about  that  horrid 
Jane  Blinkum  who  lives  in  your  street,  and  that 
she  is  engaged  to  Mr.  Greenbury,  and  they  are 
to  be  married  shortly  ?  They  say  he  has  retired 
,  from  business  and  is  living  on  his  income.  He 
owns  several  houses  in  New  York  and  Boston, 
and  spends  the  summer  at  Newport,  Long 
Branch,  and  Saratoga.  He  must  be  a  person  of 
exquisite  taste  to  marry  such  a  stick  as  she  is. 
don't  you  think  so  ? " 

Miss  F.  M'ho  is  gifted  with  a  powerful  im- 
agination, to  Mrs.  G.  who  takes  the  information 
as  she  does  her  tea — by  the  cupful — and  likes  it 
highly  seasoned :  "  Oh  Mrs.  Gensing,  they  do  say 


236  AUSCULTATOKT   UJSTOKTUNATES. 

that  Jane  BHiikum  is  o-oino;  to  be  married  next 
week  in  the  evening,  at  the  Church  of  the  Holy 
Fashionables,  and  is  going  to  have  a  dozen  brides 
maids,  and  a  brass  band,  and  an  organist  from 
Philadelphia,  and  her  intended's  name  is  George 
Dreandury.  lie  is  a  retired  merchant,  about 
forty  years  old,  and  very  handsome.  He  is 
enormously  wealthy  ;  is  worth  his  millions,  and 
all  invested  in  bonds  and  such  things.  They  say 
he  owns  whole  blocks  of  houses  and  stores  in 
different  cities,  and  that  he  passes  the  most  of 
his  time  in  Europe,  where  he  is  received  with 
TnarJced  attention  by  all  the  crowTied  heads. 
The  bride  and  ^room  are  g-oina;  to  take  a  wed- 
ing  tour  around  the  world,  and  expect  to  be  gone 
a  year.  Did  you  ever  hear  anything  like  it  ?  It 
seems  like  a  dream." 

So  it  does,  my  dear  Miss  F.,  and  it  will  grow 
more  and  more  like  a  fearful  dream  as  the 
story  is  continued  and  retold  by  the  several 
Mrs.  G.  H.  I.  J.  K.'s,  and  all  the  rest  of 
the  alphabet.  What  would  the  story  of  Mrs.  Z. 
be  like,  do  you  suppose?  The  question  is  an 
unanswerable  one. 

The  illustration  that  lias  been  used  is  a  feeble 
one.    S  uppose  the  story  to  be  of  a  different  nature ; 


AUSCULTATORY   UNFORTUNATES.  237 

one  affecting  the  character-  of  a  person  who  is 
entirely  innocent  of  any  guilt  or  crime.  Such 
things  are  common,  and  are  often  started  from 
malicious  motives.  The  injury  that  is  then  done 
cannot  be  estimated.  How  they  glory  and  gloat 
over  it !  How,  instead  of  making  use  of  that 
charity  which  ought  rather  to  conceal  and  extenu- 
ate, they  bring  to  bear  their  batteries  of  bitterness 
and  hate !  There  is  no  preventing  it.  An  idle 
word,  a  thoughtless  act,  will  set  in  motion  this 
social  car  of  Juggernaut,  which  spares  neither  the 
innocent  nor  the  guilty. 

Well,  these  things  have  always  been  so,  and  this 
class  of  persons  starting  with  Cain,  who  is  the 
first  recorded  example  of  imperfect  auscultation, 
has  existed  nearly  from  the  beginning  of  the 
world,  and  there  is  a  strong  probability  of  the 
family  resemblance  and  mental  attributes  con- 
tinuing for  all  time. 

Now  what  ought  to  be  done  with  this  class  of 
uncertain  hearers  and  still  more  uncertain  re- 
peaters ?  It  is  too  much  to  expect  that  the  Sap- 
phiral  method  of  punishment  for  telling  untruths 
will  be  revised  !  Indeed  it  is  hardly  to  be  wished, 
for  there  is  no  tellino;  what  fearful  results  miirht 
ensue  from  having  so  large  a  number  of  people 


238  AUSCULTATORY    UNFORTUNATES. 

suddenly  swept  out  of  the  land  of  the  living! 
War  decimates  sufficiently  now  for  the  purposes 
of  human  economy,  and  this  addition  would  be 
monstrous.  The  few  remaining  inhabitants,  ex- 
cellent people  as,  necessarily,  they  would  be, 
would  become  nomadic  tribes,  and,  deprived  of 
their  accustomed  abuse  and  wordy  misuse,  would 
pine  away  and  soon  become  extinct.  If  there 
were  only  some  social  Botany  Bay  to  which  the 
great  retinue  of  wilful  fabricators  and  scandal 
disseminators  could  be  transported,  it  might  help 
the  matter  along,  and  would  certainly  furnish 
abundant  employment  for  a  long  time  to  come  to 
our  crippled  and  decaying  merchant  marine. 

In  conclusion,  it  is  evident  that  no  suitable 
earthly  punishment  can  be  found  that  is  adapted 
to  the  exigencies  of  the  case.  People  will  con- 
tinue to  suffer  as  they  heretofore  have  suffered, 
and  the  banner  of  the  auscultatory  unfortunates 
will  flutter  defiantly  in  the  breeze  until  the  end 
of  time  approaches,  and  the  beginning  of  the  mil- 
"■ennium  is  at  hand. 

Kow  if  the  manuscript  had  stopped  here,  I 
should  not  have  minded  it  so  much.  But  along 
with  it  was  a  so-called  poem.     Now  true  poetry 


AUSOULTATOKY    UNFORTUNATES.  239 

is  my  especial  province.  I  adore  it  with  so 
much  of  geuuiue  love  and  unbounded  respect, 
that  I  cannot  prevail  upon  myself  to  approach  it. 
I  love  the  muses — except  the  mewses  of  Deacon 
Amory's  cat  next  door.     But  here  is  the  poem : 

TiNNIE  AND  I. 

There  never  were  truer  lovers 

Than  Tinnie  and  I ; 
And  we  love  each  other  dearly, 
But  don't  know  why — 
For  Tinnie  has  neither  a  handsome  face, 
And  I  am  lacking  in  wit  and  in  grace, 
But  we  love  each  other 
Like  sister  and  brother, 
Tinnie  and  I. 

Poor  thing  !  she  is  almost  friendless, 

And  I  am  too  ; 
And  this  may  be  the  reason 
That  makes  us  so  true  ; 
This  the  common  cord  of  sympathy 
That  binds  me  to  her,  and  her  to  me. 
And  weaves  us,  whether 
Or  not,  together, 
Tinnie  and  I. 

Her  loving  blue  eyes  look  upward 

Into  my  face. 
And  I  hold  her  to  my  bosom 

In  fond  embrace  : 


240  AUSCULTATORY    UNFORTUNATES. 

And  I  whisper  to  her  the  love  I  feel, 

That  shall  last  through  life,  come  woe,  come  weal. 

Hope  and  trust  combine, 

And  the  stars  of  love  shine 
For  Tinnie  and  I. 

The  world  may  call  us  silly, 

But  what  care  we  ? 
Our  hearts  are  knit  together 
With  constancy. 
And  our  love  is  fervent  and  strong  and  pure, 
And  lasting  as  long  as  life  shall  endure ; 
The  world  can  never 
Our  true  hearts  dissever, 
Tinnie  and  I. 

Though  we  are  poor  and  humble. 

We  know  full  well 
That  love  can  abide  with  poverty 
As  with  riches  dwell ; 
And  that  wealth  alone  can  never  move 
The  heart  to  deeper  and  truer  love, 
Nor  to  such  happiness 
As  we  two  possess — 
Tinnie  and  I. 

She  never  spoke  unkindly 

In  all  her  life. 
And  yet — and  yet,  I  cannot 
Make  her  my  wife — 
For  Tinnie  is  only  a  kitten  sweet. 
With  glossy  fur  and  the  daintiest  feet, 


AUSCULTATORY    UNFORTUNATES.  241 

J  But  we  love  one  another 

Like  sister  and  brother — 
My  Tinnie  and  I. 

I  made  the  fire  that  morning,  and  a  conspicu- 
ous part  of  it  consisted  of  Parson  Wilks's  last 

production. 

Heatedly  yours, 

E.  S.  Trueman. 
11 


24:2  THE   FEAST   OF    ST.    MOMUS. 


LETTEE  XXXVII. 

WHAT    HAPPENED    IN    PINE    GKOVE    AT    THE    FEAST 
OF    ST.  MOMUS. 


Pine  Grote,  April  5. 


■?? 


^^J  HAVE  been  unable  to  hold  a  pen  for  a 
-^V^  week  in  conseqnence  of  going  barefooted 
too  early  in  the  season,  which  resnlted  in  a 
cold  in  my  feet.  I  can  bear  a  cold  foot  better 
than  a  cold  shonlder,  and  I  have  had  experience 
in  both.  The  doctor  whom  I  called  gave  me  a 
little  advice  and  a  great  deal  of  medicine.  By 
paying  no  attention  to  the  former,  and  relig- 
iously refraining  from  the  latter,  I  am  on  ihe 
road  to  happiness  again.  I  celebrate  it  by  writ- 
ing to  you.  The  first  of  April  was  not  observed 
here  in  the  usual  accustomed  manner,  and  thei-e 
were  but  few  victims.  The  performance  began 
on  Friday  afternoon  with  a  joke  from  Mehitabel 
Jenkins,  the  schoolma'am.      She  told   the  chil- 


THE   FEAST   OF   ST.    MOMCS.  243 

dren  tliat  school  would  keep  the  next  da^',  and 
gave  as  a  reason  for  such  an  unnsual  proceeding, 
that  the  trustees  had  so  ordered.  Now  the  chil- 
dren have  every  conifidence  in  their  teacher,  and 
implicitly  believe  whatever  she  tells  thera. 
The  next  morning  the  little  innocents,  and  some 
of  tlie  big  ones  also,  came  to  school,  many  of 
them  trudging  a  mile  through  tlie  mud.  They 
waited  outside  the  school-house  door,  which  was 
locked,  for  an  hour  or  more,  but  no  teacher 
appeared.  At  last  they  sent  a  delegation  of 
twenty  over  to  Mehitabel  to  find  out  the  cause  of 
her  absence.  Thev  saw  her.  She  lauo-hed  in 
their  faces,  she  did,  and  told  them  it  was  April 
Fool's  Dav.  The  deleo-ation  returned  and  re- 
ported.  Then  the  delegation  and  the  rest  of  the 
scholars  formed  themselves  into  a  committee  of 
the  whole,  and  proceeded  to  break  open  the 
school-house  door,  and,  having  effected  an  en- 
trance, tliey  went  to  woi-k  by  force  of  arms  and 
feet  and  ripped  up  all  the  benches,  besmeared 
the  walls  with  ink,  tore  the  books  and  the  maps  to 
pieces,  demolislied  the  stove,  and  utterly  ruined 
the  library,  which  consisted  of  twenty-four 
valuable  books  of  a  biographical  and  historical 
nature,  extremely  interesting  to  }'oung   persons 


244  THE   FEAST    OF   ST.    MOMUS. 

below  the  age  of  ten.  After  this  thej  carried 
the  chair  and  the  ruler  of  tlie  schoolma'am  into 
the  yard  and  burned  them  up.  Then  one  of  the 
scholars  returned  to  the  schoolroom,  and  wrote 
upon  the  blackboard  these  words :  "  April  -FUle 
iiS-AgAn-wiL-IT-DarlSr  yE."  Their  fiendishness 
having  reached  this  culminating  point,  they  re- 
paired to  their  several  j)laces  of  abode.  The 
trustees  of  the  district,  learning  the  facts  in  the 
case,  wrote  a  polite  little  note  to  Miss  Jenkins, 
asking  her  what  in  the — say  dickens— she  meant 
by  her  conduct ;  advised  her  that  her  services 
M^ould  no  longer  be  required,  and  accompanied 
with  it  M'as  a  bill  for  damages  of  $23.14,  request- 
ing its  immediate  payment.  They  intimated 
that  they  heartily  appreciated  the  joke,  and 
trusted  that  she  did.  As  they  found  it  impossi- 
ble to  get  a  suitable  teacher  for  less  than  $7  a 
month  and  board,  they  recalled  Mehitabel,  pre- 
tending it  was  through  pity,  but  it  is  understood 
that  she  is  only  to  teach  another  year  and  then 
she  must  walk.  Of  conrse  this  joke  of  Miss 
Jenkins  became  known  all  over  the  village  early 
in  the  day,  and  it  put  people  on  their  guard,  so 
that  few  were  sold.  Tommy  Jones  lost  his 
pocket-book,  containing  consideral)le  money,  on 


THE   FEAST   OF   ST.    MOMUS,  2-15 

the  sidewalk,  and  it  Liid  tlicrc  undistnrbed 
for  three  hours,  no  one  daring  to  pick  it  up  for 
fear  of  being  fooled.  At  last  Tommy  found  it 
right  where  he  had  dropped  it,  and  he  says  he 
never  knew  before  how  much  of  good  there  was 
in  the  first  of  April.  Jimmy  Amory  got  off 
a  little  joke  on  me  which  I  fear  will  get  into  cir- 
culation, through  improper  channels,  and,  conse- 
quently, I  think  it  best  to  tell  it  myself.  lie 
came  over  to  see  me  Saturday  afternoon,  and  in 
a  mysterious  manner  asked  me  if  I  knew  that 
Parson  Wilks  had  a  book  in  press.  As  I  had 
not  heard  of  it,  I  expressed  some  doubts  on  the 
subject,  but  Jiujuiy  assured  me  that  it  was  so. 
My  curiosity  was  excited.  The  idea  of  the  liter- 
ary talent  of  Pine  Grove  making  itself  heard 
through  the  medium  of  book  publication  so  filled 
me  and  thrilled  me  with  exultation,  that  I  rushed 
over  to  the  Parson's  to  bestow  upon  him  my 
sincere  congratulations,  and  to  find  out  whether 
he  had  tapped  another  barrel  of  cider.  I  found 
the  Parson  at  home,  and  made  my  errand 
known.  He  looked  somewhat  perplexed,  and 
seemed  to  hesitate  about  telling  me.  I  assured 
him  of  my  secresy,  and  offered  to  swear  on  a  pilo 
of  dictionaries  a  mile  hiirh  that  I  would  never 


246  THE   FEAST    OF    ST.    MOMUS. 

reveal  what  lie  might  tell  me,  at  which  he  looked 
more  perplexed  than  ever.  At  length  a  broad 
smile  overcast  his  intellectual  features.  "  I  have 
it,"  said  he.  "  Young  Amory  w^as  in  here  au 
hour  ago,  while  I  was  writing  and  copying 
letters,  and  he  probably  observed  what  I  was 
doing.  The  b(_)ok  I  have  in  press,  that  he  men- 
tioned, is  undoubtedly  my  letter-book,  in  which  I 
copy  my  letters,  and  the  press  is  an  ordinary 
letter-press.  There  it  stands  with  the  book  in  it 
now.  Ah,  friend  Trueman,  the  rascal  was  too 
much  for  you,  and  this  is  the  first  day  of  April." 
I  did  not  linger  to  find  out  about  the  cider,  but 
came  away  at  once  to  find  Jimmy.  He  was  non 
est,  as  we  say  in  Latin.  I  don't  know  whether 
I  was  April  fooled  or  not.  There  was  a  book  in 
press,  that  is  certain,  but  it  wasn't  what  I  thought 
it  onght  to  be.  I  can't  make  up  my  mind  that  I 
was  sold,  but  yet — 

Querily  yours, 

E-.  S.  Trueman. 


A    FLNANCIAL   TKANSACTION.  247 


LETTER  XXXVIII. 

CLEAELY  DEMONSTKATES  THAT  TWO,  OR  EVEN  THREE 
HEADS  ARE  NOT  BETTER  THAN  ONE,  AND  CON- 
TAINS A  FINANCIAL  TRANSACTION  SOiEEWHAT 
DISREPUTABLE. 

Pine  Grove,  April  20. 


HAPPENED  to  be  a  witness  of  a  little 
ransaction  that  occurred  here  last  nii^'ht, 
that  illustrated  so  clearly  and  foj-cibly  the 
natural  depravity  of  the  heart  of  even  the  best  of 
men,  that  1  cannot  refrain  from  relating  it.  The 
incident  has  become  so  firmly  fixed  in  my  memory, 
that  I  never  shall  rest  easy  until  I  out  with  it. 
We  have  meeting  here  in  the  church  every  Wed- 
nesday night,  and  the  plate  is  passed  to  gather  in 
whatever  stray  change  there  may  be  on  the 
premises.  The  money  is  taken  charge  of  by 
Deacon  Amory.  There  have  been  suspicions 
that  the  deacon  failed  to  account  for  all  that 
passed  into  his  hands,  but  as  his  system  of  book- 


248  A   FINANCIAL   TRANSACTION. 

keeping  is  not  the  clearest  in  the  world,  no  ono 
could  prove  the  charge.  I  went  to  church  as 
usual  last  night,  and  lingering  for  a  moment 
after  the  exercises  were  concluded,  my  attention 
was  attracted  by  loud  talking  about  the  pulpit. 
I  beheld  Parson  Wilks,  Deacon  Amory  and  John 
"Wiley  engaged  in  an  animated  discussion  about 
the  money.  Deacon  Amory  was  trying  to  get 
hold  of  it,  and  would  not  allow  the  other  two  to 
count  it,  which  they  insisted  upon  doing.  They 
had  pretty  high  words  about  it,  but  at  last  agreed 
to  go  over  to  Tommy  Jones's  and  count  it  to- 
gether. I  offered  my  services,  which  were  de- 
clined, but  that  made  no  difference  to  me  as  I 
expected  the  refusal,  so  I  went  along  good- 
naturedly  with  the  trio  to  the  tavern  to  see  the 
thing  out.  Tommy  brought  out  a  table  and  the 
money  was  emptied  upon  it.  Parson  Wilks 
counted  it  first,  and  that  sly  old  dog  managed  to 
slip  a  fifty-cent  shinplaster  up  his  coat-sleeve. 
When  he  had  finished  he  reported  $6.42.  John 
Wiley  then  counted  it,  and  managed  to  brush  a 
twenty-five  cent  piece  off  from  the  table  with  his 
elbow  so  that  it  fell  on  his  knees,  from  whence 
he  carefully  transferred  it  to  his  pocket.  "  You 
are  mistaken,"  said  he ;  "I  only  find  $6.17."     "  I 


A   FINANCIAL   TRANSACTION.  249 

don't  understand  that,"  said  Parson  "Wilks.  "  I 
counted  it  very  carefully."  Deacon  Aniory  then 
took  the  money,  and  in  a  very  neat  way  covered 
up  a  dollar  with  his  handkerchief,  which  he  pre- 
tended to  let  fall  upon  the  tahle.  lie  then  put 
the  handkerchief  with  the  money  in  it  into  his 
pocket.  "  Really,"  said  he,  when  he  had  counted 
it  over,  "  the  cents  seem  to  he  right,  but  I  only 
make  five  dollars.  Yes,"  he  continued,  re- 
counting it,  "  you  are  both  wrong.  There  is 
only  $5.17."  "  That  is  singular,"  said  John 
Wiley.  "  Let  me  count  it  again,"  said  Parson 
Wilks ;  "  we  ought  to  make  it  agree."  So  he  took 
the  money  and  all  he  could  make  of  it  was  $4.92. 
Then  Wiley  took  it  and  all  he  could  count  was 
$4.82.  Tlien  Deacon  Amory  insisted  upon  count- 
ing it  again  and  all  he  could  make  was  $4.32, 
"  Gentlemen,"  said  Parson  Wilks,  feeling  in  his 
pocket  to  see  whether  the  postal  currency  he  had 
taken  was  all  safe,  and  out  of  sight, "  it's  my 
candid  opinion  that  if  this  money  is  counted  over 
many  more  times  there  will  not  be  any  left.  If 
Deacon  Amory  will  sign  a  receipt  for  $4.22" — 
and  here  he  accidentally  bi'ushed  three  ten-cent 
shinplasters  upon  the  floor  and  picked  np  two  of 

them — "  the  church  will  be  satisfied."     "  I  decline 
11* 


250  A   FINANCIAL   TEANSACTION. 

to  sign  a  receipt  until  I  know  liow  much  there  is. 
My  impression  is  that  there's  something  wrong 
in  the  count.  I  never  had  money  bother  in  the 
way  this  does,"  said  John  Wiley ;  "  let's  count  it 
again."  "Very  well,"  said  Parson  AVilks,  "I 
will  l)egin.  But  pray  count  with  more  care. 
There  is  no  use  making  such  mistakes."  At  it 
again  they  went,  but  met  with  no  better  luck 
than  before,  for  every  man  of  them  managed  to 
lessen  the  amount  before  it  left  his  hands.  When 
it  came  around  to  Parson  Wilks  again  there  was 
only  §3.21  left.  Said  the  parson  :  "  This  money 
seems  to  be  enchanted ;  it  taketh  unto  itself  the 
wings  of  a  dove  and  ilieth  away."  Said  John 
W^iley  :  "  Any  one  would  think  from  the  way 
the  count  con^.es  out  that  we  were  not  used  to 
handling  money/'  Said  Deacon  Amory :  "  I 
don't  believe  three  heads  are  better  than  one  in 
the  matter  of  tinance."  As  they  were  no  better 
off  than  before,  a  new  count  was  proposed. 
Deacon  Amory  objected.  "  Gentlemen,"  said  he, 
"  I  propose  to  compromise  this  thing.  There 
now  seems  to  be  three  dollars."  "  $3.21,"  cried 
John  Wiley.  "  Xo,  sir,  only  three  dollars." 
"  Let  it  go  at  that,"  said  Parson  Wilks ;  "  go  on 
with  the  compromise."     "  My  suggestion  is  this, 


c, " 


A   FIXANCIAL   TKAIs^ SACTION.  251 

continued  the  oleaginous  Amory.  "  We  have 
been  to  a  great  deal  of  trouble  about  this  matter, 
and  it  is  no  mea-e  than  right  that  we  should  be 
fairlj  compensated.  I  propose,  therefore,  that 
each  of  us  takes  fifty  cents  for  our  services,  and 
I  will  then  sign  a  receipt  for  $1.50."  "  The 
proposition  is  a  fair  one,"  said  Parson  Wilks. 
"  I  agree  to  it,"  said  John  Wiley.  And  so  each 
one  took  fifty  cents  and  Araory  signed  a  receipt 
for  the  balance.  I  calculate  the  church  lost 
about  $5.50  through  that  piece  of  financiering. 
I  understand  that  both  Wiley  and  Wilks  have 
pronounced  the  charges  against  Amory,  as  to  dis- 
honesty, to  be  utterly  unfounded,  and  that  a  more 
truthful,  honest,  and  upright  man  never  lived, 
themselves  excepted,  of  course.  Xow  I  might  go 
to  work  and  moralize  over  this  little  incident,  but 
it's  out  of  my  line.  My  best  hold  is  to  de- 
moralize. 

Shinplasterly  yours, 

R.  S.  Tkueman, 


252  WONDERFUL   COMBINATION. 


LETTER  XXXIX. 

WONDEEFDI>   COlVtBINATION    OF    TALENT   AND    EXTRA- 
OEDINAKY    EXHIBITION    OF    MUSICAL    GENIUS. 

Pine  Grove,  April  25. 

isn't  the  easiest  task  in  the  world  to  write 
,„^^  a  letter  when  there  is  nothino;  to  write 
about.  Things  do  not  happen  every  day 
out  this  way,  but  wlien  they  do  I  make  much,  and 
sometimes  more,  and  not  nnfrecpientl}^  the  most 
of  them.  I  have  a  great  notion  to  write  you  about 
the  concert  we  had  here  last  Sundav  night.  I  do 
not  like  to  do  so  cither  very  well,  for  musical 
2~)eople  have  such  tender  corns  that  you  cannot 
point  at  them,  to  say  nothing  of  treading  on  them, 
without  their  squealing.  I  don't  want  to  get  into 
a  muss  if  I  can  help  it,  and  people  that  sing  are 
awful  testy.  Plowever,  I  will  smooth  the  matter 
over  as  well  as  such  an  outrageous  performance 
can  be  smoothed  over,  and  in  case  I  do  not  get 
desperate,  as  I  am  ajit  to  do  when  writing,  1  will 


WONDEKFUL   COMBINATION.  253 

give  you  as  fair  a  criticism  as  my  injured  sensi- 
bilities will  permit.  To  begin  with,  the  concert 
was  given  for  a  benevolent  object,  by  the  choir, 
assisted  by  the  bellows  blower  and  a  few  outsid- 
ers who  got  into  the  musical  ring  on  the  sti-ength 
of  their  voices.  The  object  of  it  all  was  to  buy 
a  new  bell  rope,  the  old  one  being  weak,  and  ac- 
customed to  break  at  unexpected  times  in  un- 
desirable places.  The  purpose  was  all  right 
enough,  but  it  is  a  singular  circumstance  that 
the  new  rope  cost  just  $17.25,  which  was  the  pre- 
cise amount  taken  at  the  door.  I  suppose  the 
reason  of  this  apparent  singularity  would  be 
made  obvious  if  I  mentioned  the  names  of  the 
committee  that  had  the  matter  in  charge.  K^ot 
beino-  a  fiij-htino-  character  I  omit  the  names. 
The  church  was  well  filled  with  a  hundred  or 
moi-e  people  at  fifteen  cents  a  head.  The  per- 
formance began  with  a  quartette  entitled  "  Bo- 
logna," which  I  believe  is  a  church  tune.  They 
sang  it  pretty  well,  considering.  Next  was  a 
pastoral  duet  written  by  an  eminent  hoi-ticul- 
turist,  entitled  "  Don't  you  wish  you  had  some 
early  spring  peas  and  green  lamb  ? "  It  wa-j 
Bung  by  Mrs.  J.  Amory  and  George  Low,  and 
was  wretched   enough.     Next    came   a   chorus, 


254  WONDERFUL    COMBINATION. 

written  expressly  for  the  occasion,  called  "  We 
have  come  from  the  mountains  of  the  old  Gran- 
ite State."  The  most  of  the  audience  labored 
under  the  impression  that  the  chorus  ought  to 
have  gone  back  where  it  came  from  without  un- 
necessary delay.  William  Long  then  sang  the 
well-known  solo,  "  Put  me  on  my  little  couch 
with  warm  bricks  to  my  feet."  lie  wasn't  asked 
tO'  repeat  it.  Following  this  was  a  septette,  for 
seven  voices,  written  by  Howler,  called  '"'  Oh, 
what's  the  matter  anyway  ?  "  The  singers  broke 
down  twice,  but  finally  lirjshed  it,  to  the  great 
relief  of  the  audience.  The  "•  Melodeon  Solo " 
was  a  squaky  fugee,  by  one  of  the  old  masters, 
who  suicided  immediately  after  he  had  composed 
it.  The  audieaice  didn't  blame  him  for  having 
done  so,  and  felt  inclined  to  follow  his  example 
while  listening  to  it.  It  was  too  long.  Half  an 
hour  is  sufficient  for  anv  melodeon  solo,  no  mat- 
ter  how  beautiful,  but  to  string  out  such  a  thing 
as  that  was  for  a  whole  hour,  and  to  have  it 
strung  out  by  such  an  outlandish  player  as  Miss 
Dany  is,  was  imposing  upon  the  people,  and  they 
resented  it  by  hissing  in  a  dignified  way.  George 
Low  then  sung  a  bass  solo,  entitled  "  Ker  Chunk." 
The  first  verse  runs : 


WONDERFUL    CO^IBINATION.  255 

'Tis  the  voice  of  the  bullfrog, 

I  hear  him  complain, 
I  must  hit  him  a  rap 

Or  he'll  bellow  again. 

The  siiiojer  was  somewhat  embarrassed  by 
some  one  throwing  peanuts  at  liim.  Next  came 
a  trio  for  male  voices,  which  was  sung  hj  George 
Low,  William  Long,  and  Matilda  Hooker,  called 
"  Was  Cain  an  Abel  Man  ? "  It  was  sung  very 
poorly,  in  consecpience  of  the  boy  at  the  bellows 
going  to  sleep  and  letting  the  wind  out  of  the 
instrument.     This  closed  the  first  part. 

Time,  10  p.m.  The  second  part  began  with 
an  ecclesiastical  refrain  :  "  The  dauo-hters  of 
Judah  &  Co.  demand  the  rii;-ht  of  suffraire 
voting."  This  piece  was  a  quarter  of  an  liour 
too  long.  Then  came  three  or  four  pieces 
scarcely  worth  mentioning,  which  were  executed 
in  the  highest  style  of  barbarism.  After  these 
came  the  grand  feature  of  the  evenino;.  Miss 
Dany  performed  the  great  musical  feat,  never 
before  attempted,  by  playing  upon  two  melode- 
ons  at  once.  The  instrun)ents  were  placed  at 
right  angles  to  each  other.  Miss  Dany  sitting  in 
the  angle  thus  formed.  She  played  better  than 
she  did  the  fii-st  time,  although  it  was  nothing  to 


256  WONDERFUL    COIVIBINATION. 

brag  of.  AVliile  playing  slie  sang  a  simj)le 
Sunday -scliool  hymn  called,  "  Ain't  I  glad  to  go 
to  a  Sunday-schot)l  where  they  tend  strictly  to 
business."  She  was  raj)turously  applauded,  and 
was  o-oino;  to  do  it  all  over  a2:ain,  but  the  folks 
said  it  was  a  shame  to  impose  upon  her  good 
nature  to  such  an  extent,  and  so  the  audience  got 
out  of  listening  to  the  triangular  effort  again. 
The  full  chorus  then  sang  a  massive  production 
by  Earl  Y.  Riser,  entitled  "  Wake,  wake,  the 
sun's  been  up  more'n  an  hour."  Afterwards 
Gilbert  Geelic  sang  a  pathetic  song,  called  "  The 
Jams  of  Matrimony,"  which  was  decidedly  inap- 
propriate for  a  sacred  concert.  By  this  time  it 
was  midnight,  and  tlie  people  wdio  had  washing 
to  do  the  next  day  began  to  go  out  in  squads, 
perceiving  which,  the  singers  slammed  their  books 
down  upon  the  seats  and  refused  to  sing  more. 
They  even  intimated  that  the  audience  couldn't 
tell  good  music  when  they  heard  it.  Some  one 
in  the  audience  called  out  "  try  us  and  see." 
This  ended  the  entertainment,  and  I  hope  I 
never  again  will  be  oblio-ed  to  take  notes  or 
notice  of  such  a  feeble  display. 

Thinkingly  yours, 

R.  S.  Tkueman. 


THE   AUTIIOK   AS   A   GRANGER.  257 


LETTER  XL. 

THE    AUTHOR   AS    A    PRIME    EVIL    GRANGER. 

Pine  Guove,  May  6. 


j^^^'  AM  engaged  in  the  pursuit  of  my  garden. 
'^'"    Wiien  I  shall  catch  up  to  it  the  land  only 


knows.   My  time,  however,  is  wholly  devot- 
ed to  this  fascinating  work,  and  I  write  this  letter 
with  a  hoe-handle,  while  simultaneously  raking  off 
last  year's  crop  of  weeds,  which  I  was  unable  to 
gather  last  fall  on  account  of  a  lack  of  disposition 
to  do  so.     The  season  is  getting  the  best  of  me, 
for  while  spring  is  two-thirds  finished  my  garden 
isn't  a  quarter  completed.     I  always  work  slow 
and  sure.     If  I  have  any  best  hold  this  is  it,  es- 
pecially the  slow  part.     I  go  out  and  labor  inces- 
santly for  five  minutes,  and  then  I  come  back 
and  rest,  and  reflect  upon  the  havoc  I  have  made 
among  the  angleworms.     I  also  lay  uiy  plans  for 
future   action.     These  things  take  considerable 
time.     When  I  cannot  rest  any  more  I  come  into 


258       THE  AUTHOR  AS  A  GEAKGER. 

the  garden  Maude  again,  as  somel)ody  who  don't 
know  much  about  gardening,  if  he  does  call  liim- 
self  a  poet,  once  said.     I  began  my  garden  early, 
but  it  does  not  look  like  an  early  garden  for  all 
that.     It  has  rather  the  appearance  of  one  of 
those    better-late-than-never-if-at-all   gardens.     I 
began  spading  in  February,  just  to  make  a  com- 
mencement, and  yesterday  I  tried  to  find  the 
place  M'hei-e    the   fii'st   shovelful   of    earth  was 
turned,  and  I  had  to  give  it  up.     Tommy  Jones 
says  tliat  by  the   time  I  get   it  all  spaded  I  will 
have  to  go  back   and  spade  it  over  again,  the 
ground  will  get  so  hard.     But  then  Tommy  don't 
get  tired  as  often  and  as  easy  as  I  do ;  if  he  did, 
he  could   appreciate  the  situation  more  keenly, 
and  would  cease  his  uncalled-for  and  unkind  ob- 
servations.   I  am  so  bewildered  as  to  what  to  sow, 
or  set  out  or  plant  (if  1  ever  get  along  as  far  as 
that),  that  I  am  cheated  out  of  half  of  my  regular 
sleep  and  have  lost  the  best  part  of  my  appetite. 
If  any  one  finds  it,  they  will  secure  an  article  that 
has  never  been  known  to  fail  in  the  dryest  season. 
I  find  that  literary  pursuits,  and  spading  gar- 
dens, do  not  run   in  the  same  channels.     They 
are  entirely  different  games.     When  spades  are 
tj-amps  and  gardening  the  game,  you  can  take  a 


THE  AUTHOE  AS  A  GKANGEE.        259 

liand  with  some  show  of  winning.  But  when 
intellectual  diamonds  turn  up,  and  jou  try  to 
polish  them  for  puhlic  exhibition,  you  find  that 
jour  former  labor  has  unsettled  your  writing  ca- 
pacity, and  you  are  apt  to  produce  a  composition 
tea  of  the  weakest  kind.  The  two  things  are 
incongruous,  as  a  friend  of  mine  once  remarked, 
being  in  a  state  of  verbal  rhapsody.  My  last 
letter  about  the  concert,  written  in  a  careless 
way,  while  my  mind  was  pi'coccupied  with  my 
garden,  came  within  an  ace  of  raising  the  deuce 
with  me,  for  clubs  turned  up  trumps  in  the  un- 
appreciative  hearts  of  the  people,  and  I  only  es- 
caped a  licking  by  solemnly  promising  never  to 
ask  for  any  mure  free  tickets  to  shows  and  tliino-s. 
I  have  either  got  to  quit  writing  or  quit  hcjrticul- 
turing.  I  have  got  to  abandon  my  literary 
garden  or  my  potato  patch.  I  cannot  produce 
both  intellectual  and  vegetable  food.  I  don't 
know  whether  I  had,  or  hadn't,  or  why.  1  am 
60  desperate  that  I  shall  become  a  desperado  if  I 
don't  make  np  my  mind  to  do  one,  or  the  other, 
or  both,  or  neither.  I  tried  to  buy  a  garden  al- 
ready made,  or  leave  my  measure  for  one,  but 
the  people  that  deal  in  this  kind  of  ware  were 
unable   to    make    satisfactory   terms   with    me. 


260       THE  AUTHOK  AS  A  GRANGER. 

They  offered  to  supply  me  at  a  reasonable  rate 
and  throw  off  half  for  cash.  The  bargain  wasn't 
concluded.  They  can  keep  their  second-hand 
gardens  for  all  I  care. 

Despairingly,  yet  hopefully  yours, 

E.  S.  Teueman. 


THE   riNE    GROVE   KU-KLUCKEES.  2G1 


LETTEE  XLI. 

ORGANIZATION   OF   THE   PINE   GROVE   KU-EXrCKERS. 

PmE  Gkove,  May  10. 


has  come  at  last.  I  have  expected  and 
proj)hesied  that  it  would  corae,  and  my 
prophetic  soul,  like  that  of  Hamlet,  has 
not  been  mistaken.  A  society  for  the  develop- 
ment of  the  rights  of  unprotected  females,  and 
for  the  equal  diffusion  of  punishment  among 
unbelieving  males,  has  been  organized  in  Pine 
Grove.  Notice  was  passed  around  among  the 
down  trodden  that  a  conflab  would  be  held  at 
the  meeting-house  on  Tuesday  night,  but  only 
the  faithful  would  be  admitted  to  participate  in 
the  mental  feast.  The  arranii^ement  committee 
tried  to  obtain  a  room  in  a  private  house,  where 
facilities  for  making  tea  could  be  had,  but  it  was 
found  impossil)lc  to  do  so.  On  Tuesday  after- 
noon two  womanly  females  came  marching  into 


262  THE    PINE    GKOVE   KU-KLUCKERS. 

town,  who  had  walked  all  the  way  from  Roches- 
ter, just  to  show  their  manly  independence. 
These  persons  had  come  for  the  purpose  of  in- 
stituting a  branch  society  for  the  womanly  art  of 
self-defiance.  They  made  their  headquarters  at 
Mr.  Dany's,  where  many  of  the  ladies  called 
upon  them.  At  seven  o'clock  the  church  doors 
were  opened,  but  only  women  were  permitted  to 
enter  and  observe  the  mystic  women's  rites. 
The  meeting  was  pounded  into  order  by  Mrs.  Dany, 
who  took  pleasure  in  introducing  to  the  brilliant 
galaxy  of  virtue  and  intelligence  which  she  saw 
assembled  before  her,  those  sky-rockets  of  female 
rights — those  women  who,  having  abandoned 
their  homes  and  families,  were  o-i^'in^C  their  lives 
and  their  efforts  to  the  propagation  of  human 
justice  and  the  establishment  of  divine  princi- 
ples— Mrs.  Tungey  and  Mrs.  O'Eacket.  (Sen- 
sational ajDplause.)  These  ladies,  having  laid 
aside  their  overcoats  and  stood  their  umbrellas 
up  in  the  corner,  acknowledged  the  enthusiastic 
cheering  that  greeted  them,  by  graciously  ducking 
their  heads.  Mrs.  Tungey  said  that  she  was  ex- 
tremely gratified  to  be  present  on  such  an  auspi- 
cious occasion — nav,  more  than  that,  she  was  real 
glad.     It  was  necessary,  in  order  to  comiilete  the 


THE   PINE    GROVE   KU-KLUCKEES.  263 

organization  of  the  noble  army  of  female  Ku- 
khickers,  that  officers  should  be  chosen.  And 
here  ensued  a  very  pretty  scene.  Mrs.  Kiiowall, 
Mrs.  Amory,  Mrs.  Wiley,  Miss  Tattler  and 
Eetsy  McCracken  were  nominated  for  perma- 
nent chairwomen.  Mrs.  Dany  nominated  herself 
for  the  office.  Mrs.  Tungey  tried  to  effect  an  elec- 
tion by  a  viva  voce  vote,  but  there  was  so  much 
more  voce  than  anything  else,  that  the  plan  had 
to  be  abandoned  and  the  ballot  substituted.  Xo 
choice  on  first  ballot,  every  woman  voting  for 
herself.  Mrs.  Wiley  protested  against  such 
action.  As  she  had  first  raised  her  clarion  voice 
aloft  within  the  classic  precincts  of  Pine  Grove 
in  defence  of  the  rights,  and  against  the  wrongs, 
of  women,  she  thought  the  honor,  as  a  matter  of 
justice  and  as  a  recognition  of  services,  ought 
to  be  conferred  upon  hei'self.  She  therefore 
moved  that  her  nomination  be  made  unanimous. 
Mrs.  Knowall  said  she  would  be  teetotally 
squomexed  before  she  would  consent  to  such  a 
thing.  Mrs.  Dana  objected,  and  moved  the  pre- 
vious question.  Betsy  McCracken  moved  that 
the  meeting  adjourn,  be  gorra.  Several  ladies, 
anticipating  a  riot,  moved  out  of  the  church. 
Mrs.  Amory  called    for   a  new  deal.     Point  of 


264  THE   PINK    GROVE   KU-KLUCKERS. 

order  raised,  that  tlie  expression  was  unparHa- 
inentary.  Sustained  by  the  chair.  A  new  ballot 
was  ordered.  Whole  number  of  votes  cast  was 
35,  of  which  Mrs.  Dana  received  2 ;  scattering, 
83.  Mrs.  Dana  was  declared  elected.  On  tak- 
ing the  chair  she  expressed  her  satisfaction  with 
the  result  of  the  balloting,  and  thanked  her  sup- 
porters for  the  interest  they  had  taken  in  her  be- 
half. It  was  time  that  women  began  to  move 
in  the  matter  of  equal  rights  and  unequal 
wrongs,  and  what  more  appropriate  moving 
time  could  be  selected  than  the  month  of  May. 
Our  defamers  have  said  that  if  woman  accepts 
the  ballot,  she  must  accept  everything  else. 
"Women  can  be  as  good  lawyers  as  men,  for  what 
are  lawyers  but  persons  given  to  the  use  of  the 
tongue  glibly?  They  can  be  as  good  farmers, 
for  it  is  rare  to  find  a  woman  who  has  ever 
washed  dirty  clothes  but  what  is  familiar  with 
the  products  of  the  soil.  (Terrific  banging  of 
shoe  leather  after  they  began  to  see  the  joke.) 
Some  females  object  to  the  ballot  being  conferred 
upon  the  sex,  but  like  good  beef,  it's  rare  you'll 
find  it.  Mrs.  Dany  then  read  a  letter  from  S-s-n 
B.  A-t-o-y,  which  was  a  splendid  dissertation  on 
woman's  rights,  but  a  poor  specimen  of  woman's 


THE   PINE    GROVE    KU-KLUCKERS.  265 

write,  to  judge  by  the  bungling  manner  in 
■which  it  was  read.  Mrs.  Stringer  then  got  up 
on  a  bench  and  tried  to  read  an  oriijinal  essav, 

CD  %j    1 

but  the  chairwoman  declared  it  out  of  order. 
Some  one  moved  that  Mrs.  Stringer  lay  her  essay 
on  the  table.  Mrs,  Sti-inger  said  she'd  lay  there 
herself  first.  Motion  withdrawn.  They  then 
went  to  work  to  nominate  persons  to  fill  the 
remaining  offices,  with  the  following  result:  For 
vice-scolder,  Mrs.  Wiley ;  book-keeper,  Mrs. 
Klinker ;  financier,  Mrs.  Moneybags.  The  chair- 
woman announced  the  standing  committees  :  On 
parasols,  the  Missers  Dany,  Hooker  and  Amory  ; 
on  foreign  relations  to  the  business  of  other 
people,  Missers  Dany,  Low  and  Wren  ;  on  chig- 
nons and  squeaky  shoes,  Missers  Dany,  Fussy  and 
Miss  Long  ;  on  other  folks'  new  clothes,  Missers 
Dany,  Stringer  and  Scroon  ;  on  the  abolishment 
of  household  work,  the  entire  society.  Mrs. 
Skinmier  said  it  was  unfair  for  Mrs.  Dany  to  be 
on  all  the  committees.  Mrs.  Dany  desired  to  be 
informed  whether  the  previous  speaker  had  men- 
tal calibre  cnono-h  to  mind  her  own  business. 
This  came  near  making  a  muss,  and  Mrs.  Skim- 
mer left  the  church  grating  her  teeth,  the  sound 

of  which  was  visible  to   the  naked  ear   half  a 
12 


266  THE   PINE    GEOVE   KD-KLrCKERS. 

mile  distant.      After  this  the  following  question 

was  discussed,  "Are  women  really  what  thev  try 

to  make  themselves  out  to  be  ? "     It  was  decided 

in  the  affirmative,  every  one  speaking  on  that  side 

of  tlie  question.     The  society  then  let  out. 

It  may  be  wondered  at  how  I  obtained  these 

particulars.     I  will  simj^ly  say  that  if  the  women 

hadn't  talked  so  loud,  and  the  broken  window  in 

the   church  had  been  repaired,  neither  Tommy 

Jones  nor   myself   could   have   heard  what  was 

said,  and  I  should  have  been  unable  to  furnish 

this  truthful  account.     The  society  has  a  great 

work  to  perform.     "Will  it  manfully  come  up  to 

the  task  ? 

Yours  in  doubt, 

R.  S.  Tkueman. 


THE  AUTHOR  UNDEK  THE  WEATHER.    267 


LETTER  XLII. 

THE   AUTHOR    UNDER   THE   WEATHER. 
Pine  Grove,  June  1. 

A2T  IDLE   IDYL. 

I  scream,  but  to  my  cry 

No  ice-cream  comes  as  yet ; 
I  call  for  a  nice  cake, 

An  ice  cake  I  can't  get. 

Ice  cold  it  -was,  but  now 

I  scold  for  it  again  ; 
I  long  for  winter'-s  snow, 

But  'tis  no  use  to  comjjlaia, 

O,  summer's  frizzling  beat — 

Fit  tbeme  for  melting  lays — 
Come,  fans  and  linen  clothes. 

And  close  these  burning  days ! 

That  cooler  days  will  come 

Experience's  school  doth  teach  ; 

'Twill  curb  my  punning  ways, 
My  punishment  'twill  reach 

[Goldsmith's  Hidden  Icicia 


'2QS  THE    AUTHOR   UOT)EK   THE   WEATHER. 

I  don't  know  what  the  opinion  of  those  fellows 
in  Washington,  who  nm  the  probability  machine, 
may  be,  concerning  the  weather,  but  it  looks  to 
me  as  thono-h  the  summer  had  come  wrons^  end 
to.  It  is  ridiculous  to  have  August  weather  in 
June.  You  might  as  well  have  canned  peaches 
in  October,  or  ice-cream  in  December  ;  one  is  as 
proper  as  the  other.  This  thing  has  got  to  be 
fixed,  or  I'll  move  up  north,  where  they  don't 
know  what  weather  means.  One  can  keep  warm 
in  SiJ'ur  country  as  well  as  here. 

My  Garden 

begins  to  vield  an  income.  The  first  instalment 
was  paid  in  the  shape  of  dandelion  greens,  last 
week.  Also  horse-radish.  I  never  realized  be- 
fore how  much  of  good  eating  could  be  had  from 
a  garden.  I  am  going  to  have  some  early  green 
corn  by  the  ears  in  a  very  few  months.  I  can 
hardly  restrain  my  impatience  for  the  time  to 
come  around.  I  have  got  my  lettuce  plants  set 
out ;  I  have  staked  up  my  turnips  and  sowed  my 
potatoes.  Think  it  better  not  to  plant  any  onions. 
One  of  mv  neio;lil:)ors  has  ^ot  enouo-h  for  two 
families,  and  he  doesn't  keep  a  dog.  Onions  is  my 
great  strength :  I  scent  of  theiu  from  afar. 


the  author  under  the  weathee.       2g9 

Personal. 

Captain  Long  went  to  Rochester  the  other  day, 
and  came  back  with  two  as  black  eves  as  I  ever 
looked  upon  and  shuddered  over.  They  belong 
to  Mrs.  Lonoj.  A  minister  in  vour  citv  irave  Mr. 
Long  the  right  and  title  to  them  in  a  little  trans- 
action, which  united  the  captain  and  the  Mrs.  in 
the  holy  bonds  of  padlock  and  the  jaws  of 
matrimony.  Tommy  Jones  has  gone  on  a  fishing 
excursion  in  the  wilds  of  Braddock's  Bav.  If  he 
lives,  he  will  come  back  alive  this  week  some  time, 
or  next  week,  or  at  some  other  future  time,  if  he 
comes  at  all.  He  says  he  don't  believe  in  spar- 
ing the  rod  and  spoiling  his  appetite.  I  am 
tendino;  bar  for  him  while  he  is  awav,  and  find 
it  exhilarating  business,  (Mr.  Truemau's  manu- 
cript  furnishes  abmidant  evidence  of  this.)  1 
told  him  when  he  went  away  not  to  hurry 
back  on  account  of  business,  for  I  would  do 
the  needful  in  his  absence.  I  wanted  to  know 
where  he  bought  his  liquors,  by  the  wholesale. 
I  didn't  find  out.  He  said  if  his  wife  told  me 
where  he  bought  his  liquor  he'd  lick  her  when 
he  returned.  Mrs.  Dany  has  had  a  couple  of 
teeth  pulled,  and  seems  to  be  furbishing  up  her 


270  THE    AUTIIOK    UNDER   THE    WEATHER. 

personal  appearance  extensively.  A  stranger, 
judging  from  her  chignon,  might  think  she  was 
putting  on  hairs.  All  the  farmers  about  here 
wlio  are  busy,  are  hard  at  work. — Deacon  Amory 
and  Parson  Wilks  have  gone  away  for  a  few 
days,  which  accounts  for  a  scarcity  of  items. 
John  Wiley,  the  grocery  keeper,  got  out  of  tea 
last  week,  and  the  Sewing  Society  has  adjourned 
until  he  can  replenish  his  stock. 

Perspiringly   yours, 

E..  S.  Trueman. 


MAKING   AN   ENEMY.  271 


LETTER  XLIII. 

OTJE   COREESPONDEXT   MAKETH    AN  ENEMY   AND   DIS- 
COUESETH    TO    YE  MANY   EEIENDS. 

Pine  Grove,  June  13. 

IIINGS  continue  in  New  Yov'^state-uquo. 
People  that  heretofore  swore  at  the  hot 
weather,  now  put  on  their  overcoats,  and 
blaspheme  vigorously  at  the  change  in  the  at- 
mosphere. Some  people  never  are  suited  with 
winter  clothes  or  summer  clothes.  The  close  of 
summer  suits  me  best.  Tommy  Jones  has  re- 
turned from  Braddock's,  with  a  string  of  fish 
only  equalled  by  the  string  of  stories  he  has  to 
tell.  He  notes  as  a  remarkable  piscatorial  phe- 
nomenon that  nearly  all  the  fish  he  obtained 
were  in-seine.  When  Tommy  counted  up  the 
profits  on  his  bar  a  wonderful  change  came  over 
his  countenance — more  change  than  went  into  his 
pocket.     I  represented  that  trade  was  dull.     lie 


272  MAKUS'G    AN   ENEMY. 

responded  by  rapping  on  the  heads  of  the  liquor 
barrels,  which  gave  forth  a  hollow  sound,  and  by 
pointing  to  the  rows  of  empty  bottles.  I  told 
him  I  was  entitled  to  a  great  deal  of  credit,  to 
which  he  replied  that  my  credit  had  run  out,  and 
hereafter  it  would  be  cash.  He  garnished  his 
conversation  with  brimstony  expressions  which  I 
dislike  to  repeat,  but  which  were  very  effective, 
and  moved  me  not  only  to  tears,  but  also  out  of 
doors.  I  am  of  the  opinion  that  I  am  barred 
out.  I  find  that  Tommy  Jones  doesn't  love  me 
as  much  as  he  pretended,  and  it  looks  as  though 
the  telegraph  wire  of  affection,  that  has  so  long 
united  our  hearts,  will  have  to  be  taken  down, 
and  the  offices  closed. 

To  My  Fair  and  Unfair  Cokeespondents. 

It  is  amusing  to  see  the  number  of  letters  I 
daily  receive  from  unknown  friends,  and  un- 
friendly enemies.  It  is  a  musing  theme  to  dwell 
upon.  They  come  to  me  with  all  sorts  of  advice 
and  all  manner  of  questions,  and  they  generally 
arrive  unsigned,  which  prevents  my  answering 
them  and  saves  postage  stamps.  However,  there 
are  a  few  worthy  of  a  reply,  and  although  it  is 


MAKING   AN  ENEirr.  273 

disagreeable  to  answer  in  this  public  manner,  as 
I  cannot  open  my  heart  as  I  otherwise  would,  I 
think  it  better  to  do  so.  A.  B. — You  are  right, 
but  I  am  writer.  You  cannot  fiddle  an  old  tune 
that  everybody  knows,  and  pretend  you  composed 
it.  You  can  compose  your  feelings  on  that 
point. — C.  D.  Tommy  Jones  is  not  a  member 
of  the  Good  Templars,  or  au}^  other  temple,  and 
does  not  write  for  any  temperance  journals. 
You  have  been  cruelly  misinformed. — E.  F. 
"What  do  you  suppose  I  care  whether  you  like 
my  style  or  not  ?  Your  writing  is  so  illegible  I 
caimot  make  out  a  single  word.  Its  close  gives 
me  great  satisfaction. — G.  II.  By  no  means. 
True  poetry  is  the  essence  of  ginspiration.  True- 
man  poetry  comes  as  close  to  it  as  may  be.  The 
specimen  you  send  me  may  do  for  hymn-books 
and  comic  papers,  but  it  won't  do  for  me. 
Please  enclose  twelve  cents  for  short  postage  on 
letter. — I.  J.  Maybe  and  maybe  not.  Some- 
times it  does  and  sometimes  it  doesn't.  You 
cannot  put  a  head  on  lettuce  by  clubbing  it. — K. 
Use  a  fine-tooth  comb  and  ])ersevere. — L.  M. 
Get  out !  I  have  no  time  to  devote  to  such  spec- 
imens 'of  numbers,  such  as  your  problem  seems 

to  be;  still,  as  you  seem  to  mean  well  I  will  answer 
12* 


274  MAKING   AN   ENEMY. 

this  one,  but  if  you  have  any  regard  for  my  feel- 
ings don't  do  so  any  more. 

Q.  If  eleven  hens  on  a  hot  day  can  lay  four 
quarts  of  medium  egg  plants,  how  many  egg 
plants  will  it  take  to  lay  a  million  liens  on  a  cold 
day  ?  A.  I  dc^n't  know. — ]^.  O.  Am  not  per- 
sonally acquainted  with  Shake  Spear.  lie  moved 
away  before  I  came  here.  From  your  descrip- 
tion, should  judge  him  to  be  a  rascally  newspaper 
correspondent. — P.  R.  Don't  you  think  any 
more  of  yourself  than  to  use  a  small  i  when  a 
large  I  is  proper  ?  It  may  save  ink,  but  it  galls 
me  to  the  quick  t(j  observe  it.  John  is  not 
spelled  with  a  little  g. — S.  T.  The  almanac  is  of 
no  use.  It  doesn't  come  to  time.  It  may  do  for 
your  aunt  Cestor  but  not  for  your  uncle  True- 
man. —  U.  Y.  W.  The  jokes  you  send  me  are 
good.  They  have  been  considered  so  for  ten 
years.  As  you  say  there  are  no  new  discoveries 
in  the  art  of  funnygraphy. — X.  Z.  Your  letter 
perplexes  me.  Gasconade  is  good.  So  is  lemon- 
ade, the  way  Tommy  Jones  fixes  it.  Cannot  say 
as  to  musical  ability,  but  know  how  to  whistle. 
Horseradish  in  May  is  not  unusual.  We  have  it 
in  winter.  It  is  raised  out  of  glass  bottles.  You 
are  very  sharp  in  your  cutting  remarks.     I  have 


MAKING   AN    ENEMY-  275 

as  much  right  to  be  synonymous  as  you  have  to 
be  anonymous.  Can  I  rely  upon  your  protesta- 
tions of  eternal  love  and  undying  fidelity  ?  You 
flatter  me.  On  re-reading  your  letter  I  feel  flat- 
ter than  ever. — Thus  do  I  answer  a  few  of  my 
many  correspondents.  Blessings  on  their  devoted 
heads,  and  confusion  to  their  facile  pens ! 

Correspondingly  yours, 

E..  S.  Tbueman. 


276      AN   OCCURKENCE   AND   A    PEKFOEMANCE. 


LETTER  XLIV. 

"WHEREIN  IS  BRIEFLY  DESCRIBED  AN  OCCURRENCE 
WHICH  CAN  HAPPEN  ONLY  ONCE  A  YEAR,  AND 
WHEREIN  ALSO  IS  NARRATED  A  PERFORMANCE 
THAT  CAN  OCCUR  AT  ANY  TIME,  BUT  PROBABLY 
WILL    NOT. 

Pine  Grove,  July  8,  1871. 

^^ 
I J  E  did  not  have  much  of  a  time  here  on  the 

4th.  The  rain  damped  the  proceedings, 
and  there  was  a  manifest  disposition  on  the 
part  of  the  people  to  refrain  from  all  demonstra- 
tions, iKjt  that  they  liked  the  American  flag  less, 
but  quiet  more.  In  point  of  fact  we  fourth- 
of-Julied  very  little.  Sevei'al  humane  citizens 
made  up  a  purse,  and  on  the  night  of  the  3d 
bought  up  the  entire  stock  of  firecrackei's,  torpe- 
does, chasers,  and  different  kind  of  fizzers,  pop- 
pers and  bangers,  that  John  Wiley  had  in  his  gro- 
cery store,  and  dumped  the  entire  assortment  in 
the  mill-pond.  The  result  was  a  quiet  day,  but 
on  the  evening  of  the  4tli,  the  diabolical  ingen- 


AJSr    OCCUKRENCE   AND    A   PEEFOEMAXCE.       277 

uity  of  the  boys,  encouraged  by  the  treatment 
they  had  received,  manifested  itself  in  an  open- 
air  concert.  All  the  tin-pans,  boilers  and  fish- 
horns  in  the  village  were  drafted  into  service, 
and  every  man  who  had  contributed  anything  to 
destroy  the  fun  of  the  boys  received  a  gratuitous 
serenade.  The  noise  was  fearful.  It  seemed  as 
though  the  Falls  Field  orchestrion  had  got  away 
and  was  off  on  a  spree.  The  number  of  tunes 
those  boys  played  was  astonishing,  and  their 
musical  ability  must  be  a  source  of  great  com- 
fort to  their  respective  parents.  There  was  a 
brisk  demand  for  shingles  this  morning,  and 
from  the  amount  of  juvenile  crying  that  was 
done,  I  jndge  that  an  entertainment  of  a  some- 
what different  character  was  given. 

But  what  I  chiefly  wanted  to  write  yon  about 
was  the  great  living  curiosity  Klinker  has  got. 
It  is  the  condumbdest  thing  I  ever  saw.  Klink- 
er was  looking  through  his  potato  patch  a  few 
days  ago,  when  what  should  he  discover  but  a 
couple  of  potato  bugs  serenely  nibbling  away  on 
the  vines,  and  evidently  enjoying  themselves 
amazingly.  The  mind  of  Klinker  has  an  inge- 
nious turn,  and  he  never  observes  anything  M'ith- 
out  considering  what  useful  purpose  it  may  be 


278      AN   OCCUKKENGE   AND   A   PERFORMANCE. 

put  to.  He  went  into  the  house  and  got  a  bottle, 
and  after  considerable  work,  succeeded  in  cap- 
turino;  the  buo-s  alive.  He  has  been  at  work  ever 
since  training  the  animals,  and  it  is  astonishing 
to  see  what  a  state  of  perfection  potato  bugs  can 
be  brought.  He  has  taught  one  to  plaj  on  a  lit- 
tle musical  instrument  that  he  made  out  of  horse- 
hair and  a  crooked  pin,  and  it  is  laughable  to 
see  the  little  creature  sit  down  on  a  thimble,  with 
one  leg  crossed,  and  play  on  the  fiddle  while 
the  other  one  dances  around  in  the  box,  keeping 
perfect  time.  He  has  taught  them  to  march 
around  like  soldiers,  with  sticks  for  guns,  and 
they  go  through  many  military  evolutions  at  the 
word  of  command.  He  has  learned  one  of  them 
to  smoke  a  little  pipe,  and  the  creature  evidently 
likes  it.  There  is  no  end  of  the  tricks  Klinker 
has  taught  tliem  to  perform.  I  thought  it  would 
kill  me  to  see  them  in  their  little  jackets,  swag- 
gering around  with  their  hands  in  their  pockets, 
and  touching  their  hats  to  one  another  as  na- 
tural as  life.  Sometimes  he  lets  them  go  out 
in  the  garden  for  exercise,  and  the  way  they 
make  their  educated  relations — the  other  potato 
bugs— stand  around,  is  fun  to  behold.  They  al- 
ways return  home  at  sunset,  and  seem  to  have  no 


AN   OCCUKRENCE   AND   A   PERFOKilANCE.      279 

desire  to  stay  out  late  nights.  It  costs  very  little 
to  keep  tliem.  Their  ft)od  consists  of  mashed 
potatoes,  with  a  dash  of  cayenne;  dandelion 
greens  and  beet  tops.  They  are  very  fond  of 
cold  boiled  pork,  and  not  unfreqnently  consume 
a  pound  at  a  sitting.  They  do  their  own  liouse- 
work,  and  the  little  cage  where  they  live  is  as 
neat  as  beeswax.  When  tliey  are  fully  trained 
Klinker  proposes  to  travel  about  the  country 
with  them  in  a  side  show  attached  to  some  circus. 
Tommy  Jones  offered  a  liberal  price  for  the  ani- 
mals, but  Klinker  says  there  is  more  money  in 
them  than  the  price  named  by  Tonnny.  It  hard- 
ly seems  possible  that  a  potato  bug  had  sufficient 
intelligence  to  learn  anything  except  to  gobble 
up  potato  vines,  but  Klinker  has  demonstrated 
that  they  can  be  taught  to  do  anything.  Klinker 
is  entitled  to  the  gratitude  of  the  whole  world, 
and  if  anybody  will  start  a  subscription  in  his 
behalf  I  will  do  ray  share  towards  collecting  it. 

Feverishly  yours, 

R.  S.  Tkueman. 


iiSO  THOMAS   JONES.   ESQ. 


LETTER  XLV. 

THE  SEMI-CENTENNIAL  OF  THOMAS  JONES,  ESQ., 
WITH  ALL  THE  ACCOMPANYING  FESTIVITIES  PER- 
TAINING   THEKETO. 

Pine  Grove,  Sept.  13. 


':^^  OMMY  JONES  went  up  into  the  fifties 
„^^^   yesterday.     To  mark  the  event  he  erected 

^  •  1  .  ^     -       ,^. 

a  social  monument  more  enduniis:  than 

brass,  or  Erear  stone.     It  was  an  incident  that 

had  never  happened  before.     He  had  lived  half 

a  century ;    he  was  fifty   years   old  ;    he    could 

never  have  a  more  pat  opportunity  of  celebrating 

the  occurrence.     Therefoie  Tommy  Jones  invited 

the  leading  citizens  of  Pliie  Grove  to  meet  him 

in  epicurean  array  at  liiy  hostelry  and  expense, 

and   this   feast    was   the    typical    monument   to 

which   I   have   already   alluded.       The    invited 

guests  assembled  at  an  early  hour  last  night  in 

the  bar-room,  from  whence,  after  a  few  moments 

spent  in  conversation,  Tommy  led  the  way  to  the 


THOMAS   JOXES,    ESQ.  281 

dhuiiij-room.  The  table  was  luuidsomelv  orna- 
inciited  with  bouquets  of  tissue-paper  flowers, 
drenched  Avith  coloijciie  to  make  tlieni  odorous  : 
uU  tlie  tablespoons  in  the  house  were  arranged 
ill  an  orderly  manner  up  and  down  the  festive 
board  ;  the  plates  were  turned  upside  down,  with 
the  knives  and  forks  laid  upon  them  in  the 
shape  of  a  Grecian  cross,  and  the  tumblers  were 
adorned  with  little  towels  stuck  in  triangularly. 
The  room  was  brilliantly  illuminated  by  the 
light  of  a  dozen  kerosene  lamps.  From  the  ceil- 
ing depended  green  boughs,  and  other  fixings 
calculated  to  lend  enchantment  to  the  scene. 
The  walls  were  lined  with  appropriate  mottoes, 
Buch  as  "  Come  and  see  me,"  "  Never  allow  your- 
self to  be  taken  in,  unless  it  is  Tommy  Jones's 
inn,"  "  This  is  the  place  we  long  have  sought," 
'•'  Welcome,  say  I ;  we'll  come,  say  the  guests," 

Tommy,  with  an  air  of  jollity,  took  the  head 
of  the  table ;  Parson  AVilks,  with  an  ?ir  of  se- 
dateness,  took  the  other  end ;  John  Wiley, 
with  an  air  of  solemnity,  sat  on  one  side  of  the 
castor;  and  myself,  with  no  airs  whatever,  occu- 
pied the  other  side.  Klinker,  Captain  Long^ 
Deacon  Amoi'y  and  a  dozen  others  filled  the  re- 
maining chairs.     As  the  guests  were  gifted  with 


282  THOMAS   JOXES,    ESQ. 

urgent  appetites,  on  account  of  having  abstained 
from  their  usual  rations  for  a  number  of  clavs, 
dinner  was  at  once  served.  The  way  they  made 
things  fly  on  the  wings  of  hunger  would  have 
moved  an  angel.  I  was  very  much  moved.  I 
append  the  bill  of  fare,  which  was  a  pretty  fair 
bill,  considering: 

GASTRONOMICAL  GUIDE  BOARD. 


"  Non  multa,  sed  multum.''^ 

ELEMENTARY. 

Mud  Turtle  Soup.  Clammy  Soup. 


PROGRESSIVE. 

Codfish  de  sel.  Stewed  Halibut. 

Mackerel  with  Turk's  Island  Sauce. 


POSITIVE. 

Beef  a  la  Bull  Run. 

Mutton-chopped.  Pork-Greasian  Bend. 

Balled  Codfish. 


COMPARATIVE. 

Potatoes  (sub  rosa — Early  Rose). 
Deodorized  Onions.  Cabbage — ^Early,  N.  Y. 

Other  things. 


SUPERLATIVE. 

Sweetened  Cider.  Crab  apples. 

Bay  rum. 

Dried  Apple  Pie. 


THOMAS   JONES,    ESQ.  283 

Supper  ended,  the  cloth  was  removed.  (Of 
course  vou  know  enough  to  know  that  the  cloth 
was  not  removed,  but  only  the  dishes.  This  is  the 
polite  way  of  putting  it.  I  have  not  travelled  for 
nothing.)  A  pitcher  of  elderberry  wine  was  then 
introduced  and  the  glasses  filled.  Tommy  Jones 
then  made  a  brief  address,  thanking  his  fellow- 
citizens  for  their  display  of  masterly  activity 
during  feeding  time,  and  announced  the  first 
toast : 

First — "My  friends — may  they  live  to  see  me 
a  thousand  years  old."  Everybody  jumped  up 
and  balanced  their  tumblers  on  their  lips.  Sec- 
ond— By  Pai'son  "Wilks,  "  The  semi-centennial  of 
T.  Jones — many  returns  of  the  happy  day." 
Liquid  response.  Third — By  John  Wiley,  "  Our 
dinner.  Success  to  the  compounder,  Mi's.  Jones. 
May  her  kitchen  fire  never  say  die.  Her  turnips 
can't  be  beat.  Pass  along  the  pitcher."  Fourth 
— By  Deacon  Amory,  "  The  entire  Jones's  crew. 
May  their  concentrated  shadow  never  be  longer. 
I'll  take  a  little  more,  if  you  please."  By  this 
time  the  elderberry  wine  had  begun  to  make  mis- 
chief, and  some  of  the  party  began  to  show  signs 
of  demoralization.  Fifth — By  J.  Klinker,  "  The 
military — how  I  love  'era.      No  more  for  me." 


284  THOMAS   JOXES,    ESQ. 

Captain  Long  responded  :  "  I  rise  to  (hie)  'splain. 
You'd  scarce  (liic)  'spect  one  of  my  age  on  such 
an  (hie)  'straordinary  (hie)  'casion  to  make  more'ii 
limited  remarks  on  such  er  (hie)  'straordinary 
'casion."  Here  the  galhint  captain  glared  fierce- 
ly aronnd  and  sat  down,  fully  convinced  that  he 
had  made  the  best  speech  of  the  evening.  Sixth — • 
By  Mr.  Dany, "  We  are  a  brass  band  of  brothers — - 
let's  die  with  our  feet  to  the  foe  ;  "  and  he  slipped 
down  under  the  table.  As  the  rest  of  the  company 
were  not  in  a  better  condition,  it  was  deemed  best 
to  adjourn.  It  was  a  woi'k  of  considerable  diffi- 
culty to  restore  them  all  to  the  bosom  of  their 
families,  inasmuch  as  everybody  insisted  on  go- 
ing home  with  everybody-  else,  but  Tommy  and  I 
succeeded  in  straio-hteninii;  them  all  out  at  last. 

Pleasingly  yours, 

R.  S.  Trueman. 


MY   NOVEL.  285 


LETTEE  XLYI. 
MY  novel;  oKj  varieties  in  pine  grove  life. 

Pine  Grove,  Oct.  1. 

^^^  HAYE  been  requested  by  an  utter  stranger 
W^P  to  write  a  novel.  If  I  had  any  friends,  I 
have  reason  for  believing  that  they  would 
ask  me  not  to  do  so.  Being  both  poor  and  friend- 
le^  leaves  me  in  excellent  condition  to  follow 
out  my  own  sweet  will,  according  to  the  dictates 
of  my  fire-proof  conscience. 

I  never  read  a  novel  in  my  life  excej)t,  to  wit : 

I.  Gulliver's  Travels,  wherein  the  race  was  to 
the  Swift. 

II.  Robinson  Crusoe,  wherein  the  battle  was  to 
De  Foe. 

I  have  arrived  at  tlic  conchision  that  the  afore- 
said were  fabrications.  So,  if  a  novel  be  of  that 
character,  I  accej^t  the  challenge.  Fabrications 
are  the  joy  of  my  facile  lead-pencil. 


28Q  MY   ISOVEL. 


My  Novel, 

OR, 

VARIETIES   IN  PINE   GKOVE   LIFE. 

Stubbornly  founded  on  the  rock  of  facts. 

CHAPTER  I. 
INTRODUCES   TUE    WITNESSES. 

The  characters  contained  in  this  absorbino;  tale 
are  seven  in  number,  as  follows : 

I.  Parson  Wilks,  Weighs  165  pounds,  with  a 
severe  cast  of  countenance.  Is  5  feet  8  inches  in 
length.  Thinks  he  is  some  on  preaching,  and  he 
is — a  little. 

II.  Deacon  Amory.  Aged  65,  and  was  born 
on  one  of  Birthington's  Washdays — I  mean  on 
one  of  Washington's  Birthdays.  He  bosses  the 
meeting-house  and  manipulates  a  small  farm.  Is 
a  large  owner  (on  the  sly)  of  government  securities, 
to  the  amount  of  a  thousand  dollar  bond. 

III.  Thomas  Jones.  Four  decades  and  a  half 
have  passed  over  his  head.  Character  good  ;  can 
read ;  also,  write.  Mixes  up  things  to  drink 
for  a  living.     He    makes    them    good.      More 


MY   NOVEL.  287 

honest  in  summer  than  in  winter — on  account  of 
the  longer  days. 

IV.  Prekisha  Araory  is  the  daugliter  of  the 
Deacon  heretofore  mentioned.  Is  old  enough  to 
vote,  but  they  decline  to  let  her.  Is  the  Sheroine 
of  the  novel ;  measures  32  inches  around  the 
waist,  besides  having  dark  colored  eyes  and 
matchless  hair. 

V.  William  Way.  The  lie  one  of  the  story. 
Age  23,  but  without  sufficient  experience  in  the 
affairs  of  this  life  to  prevent  him  from  falling  in 
love  with  Prelusha  Amory.  He  couldn't  help  it, 
if  he  was  poor. 

YI.  Mrs.  Mariann  Amory.  Is  the  suppt)sed 
mother  of  Prelusha  ;  generally  recognized  as  such, 
and  probably  is  so.  Rather  likes  Will  Way  as  a 
nice  young  man,  and  hankers  after  him  for  a  son- 
in-law.     Pulls  the  scale  at  140  avoirdupois. 

VII.  P.  S.  Trueman.     That  is  me.     Am  fat, 
fair  and  forty.    I  introduce  myself  into  the  novel, ' 
to  add  to  the  general  interest  thereof. 

CHAPTER  II. 
THE   PLAINTIVE   PLEADS. 

A  number  of  fellows  loved  Prelusha.  Among 
them  was  William  Way.      He  loved  her  like  all 


288  MY   NOVEL. 

possessed.  Ton  may  Poe !  Poe !  at  the  idea, 
bat  he  loved  her  far  more  than  any  Bel  Lee 
could  ever  hope  to  he  loved.  Prelusha  also  loved 
William.  It  is  too  fine  a  point  to  determine 
whether  he  loved  her,  or  she  him,  the  most,  but 
altogether  the  entire  amount  of  expended  affection 
was  some. 

One  balmy  day,  Will  Way  sidled  up  to  Deacon 
Amor}^  and  intimated,  that,  with  the  consent  of 
the  Deacon,  he  would  shorten  Prelusha's  back 
name  two  syllables  and  two  letters. 

The  deacon  remarked,  in  a  cursory  sort  of 
manner,  that  he  would  see  everything  blue  first, 
before  he  would  lend  a  willing  ear  to  any  such 
proposition. 

Will  Way,  dismayed,  but  not  disheartened, 
arose  for  an  explanation,  and  called  for  the  objec- 
tions to  the  Bill. 

The  deacon  said  that  poverty  was  a  blessing 
that  he  didn't  care  particularly  about  introducing 
into  the  family,  but  if  the  young  man  having  a 
will,  should  find  a  wav  of  mustering  into  service 
the  sum  of  one  thousand  dollars,  within  a  reason- 
able time,  he  would  withhold  his  parental  veto. 

Will  Way,  seeing  no  other  manner  of  extricat- 
ing himself,  sadly  consented,  and  bowed  before 


IVIT   NOVEL.  289 


his  fate,  as  he  did  before  the  Deacon,  very  sorrow- 
fully, and  with  a  feeling  of  extreme  goneness. 


CHAPTER    III. 


THE   ADVICE    OF   COUNSEL. 


"Will  Way  subsided  at  once  to  the  tavern,  to 
consult  that  eminent  strategist,  Thomas  Jones, 
and  that  chunk  of  wisdom,  myself.  After  relat- 
ing his  hard-hearted  anecdote  to  his  two  sympa- 
thetic friends,  he  said  he  threw  himself  into  our 
hands  as  the  handiest  thing  he  knew  how  to  do. 

Tommy  Jones  bent  his  thoughtful  gaze  upon  a 
brilliant  bottle,  that  gracefully  reposed  under  tlie 
shade  of  a  forest  of  tumblers  on  an  n])per  shelf, 
and  meditated  with  profundity.  I  also  bent  ray 
gaze  of  thonghtfulness  in  the  same  general  direc- 
tion. At  last  Tommy,  smiling  ingenuously,  spoke 
u]) : 

"  The  Deacon  has  a  $1,000  bond.  You  must 
steal  it,  or  cause  it  to  be  stolen." 

This  was  certainly  good  advice,  and  I  re- 
marked that  it  was  precisely  what  I  was  about 
to  advise.     Everybody  has  a  right  to  do  good, 

that  evil  may  come.     We  resolved  ourselves  into 
13 


290  irr  novel. 

a  committee  of  the  whole,  probed  the  matter  to 
its  greatest  depth,  dissected  it  carefully,  and 
extracted  the  fact  that  to  steal  the  bond  was  an 
act  of  unalloyed  impossibility.  iSTo  one  knew  of 
its  whereabouts,  except  Deacon  Amory  and  his 
other  half.  But  Will  said  that  Mrs.  Amory  was 
a  personal  friend  of  his,  and  wouldn't  hesitate  at 
anything  wherein  Prelusha  and  himself  were 
concerned.  It  would  be  for  her  interest  as  a 
matter  of  principle. 


CHAPTER  IV. 
EST  WHICH   THE   PLAINTIVE    ACTS    ACCORDINGLY. 

Accordingly  "Will  Way  went  over  to  Deacon 
Amory's,  about  the  time  the  shades  of  night  were 
falling  fast,  and  managed  to  secure  an  interview 
with  Mrs.  Amory  at  the  pumj).  He  told  her  his 
future  joyfulness  deiDcnded  upon  his  having  a 
$1,000  bond  in  a  hurry;  that  he  could  not 
obtain  it  by  labor  and  by  saving  in  many  years, 
and  even  if  he  learned  to  labor,  he  could  not 
learn   to  wait;   he  knew  where  there  was  one 


MY   NOVEL.  291 

that  Mrs.  A.  might  conscientiously  steal  for  him. 
and  if  she  would  only  do  so,  she  would  cause 
two  hearts  witli  but  a  single  idea,  and  a  couple 
of  souls  that  beat  as  a  unit,  to  be  forever  happy  ; 
that  the  bond  was  the  property  of  the  Deacon, 
and  that  stealing  from  her  husband  was  no  crime 
in  the  eyes  of  all  the  attendant  circumstances. 

Well,  he  talked  about  five  pages  in  length, 
used  all  the  figures  of  speech  of  which  he  was 
master,  and  finally  came  back  to  the  original 
figui-es  $1,000.  At  last  the  old  lady,  saying  she 
would  ne'er  consent,  consented  to  steal  the  bond, 
on  the  condition  that  it  should  be  returned  as 
soon  as  its  little  mission  had  been  accomplished. 

It  was  therefore  agreed  that  Will  should  leave 
the  country  for  a  few  weeks,  then  return,  exhibit 
the  bond,  marry  Prelusha,  and  explain  the  whole 
affair  to  the  Deacon  in  any  way  compatible  with 
his  self-respect.  For  fear  of  accidents  (cunning 
old  lady)  she  intimated  that  she  would  retain  the 
bond  in  her  own  possession  until  the  proper 
moment  arrived. 

I  know  of  some  fellows  that  would  have 
thrown  up  the  whole  concern  at  once  on  an 
intimation  of  that  kind.  But,  as  I  heretofore 
remarked,  William  loved  Prelusha,  and  Prelusha 


292  MY  NOVEL. 

loved  William,  and  slie  couldn't  give  him  up, 
and  he  couldn't  give  her  up.  How  could  he — ■ 
could  he  ? 


CHAPTER  V. 
THE   MORTAL   SUKPKISE  OF   TUE   DEFENDANT. 

Will  Way  went  off  about  ten  miles  into  the 
country,  first  informing  the  Deacon  that  he 
would  return  with  funds  enough  to  buy  his 
dauo-hter  out  and  out,  before  an  entire  moon 
should  wax  and  wane.  The  Deacon  patted  him 
on  the  shoulder  in  a  gcntlemaidy  sort  of  way, 
and  encouraged  him  to  go  in. 

He  went  in  about  three  weeks.  Then  he 
besan  to  believe  that  the  time  for  artifice  and 
dissimulation  had  expired,  and  the  hour  for  an 
exhibition  of  true  manliness  had  arrived.  So  he 
returned  to  his  native  place,  and  called  upon  the 
man  whom  he  longed  to  clasp  to  his  manly 
bosom  as  a  father-in-law.  He  told  the  aforesaid 
that  by  means  of  an  unbalanced  bid,  through  the 
mediation  of  a  fraudulent  canal  contract,  he  had 
succeeded  in  amassing  eleven  hundred  dollars  (to 


WT  NOVEL.  203 

wit  $1,100),  with  which  he  had  purchased  a  United 
States  bond  of  the  face  value  of  one  tliousand 
dollars. 

After  the  Deacon  had  huo^Gred  hira  for  an 
hour  or  two,  he  manifested  a  natural  desire  to 
have  his  vision  gladdened  by  a  square  look  at  the 
bond.  He  said  he  wanted  to  see  the  truth  as 
well  as  hear  it.  "William  promised  to  return 
with  it  in  the  afternoon,  and  hinted  to  Mrs. 
Amory  that  the  insupportable  and  heavy  hour 
was  at  hand. 

Mrs.  Amory  at  once  proceeded  to  steal  the 
Deacon's  bond  from  its  hiding-place  in  the 
stocking  bag,  and  transferred  it  to  William,  who 
presently  exhibited  it  to  the  Deacon,  who  was 
quite  overcome.  He  made  Will  promise  to  as- 
sign, transfer,  and  set  over  the  bond  to  Prelusha 
on  her  wedding  day,  and  strongly  urged  that 
the  affair  be  hurried  up  at  its  maximum  rate  of 
speed. 

Now  inasmuch  as  Prelusha  and  her  ma  were 
both  comfortably  posted  as  to  what  was  going  for- 
ward, and  knew  precisely  how  it  all  would  termi- 
nate, and,  moreover,  had  been  working  by  sun- 
light and  by  candlelight,  for  many  days,  on  the 
clothing  of  Prelusha,  there  was  little  else  left  to 


294  MY  NOVEL. 

do  but  to  send  for  the  minister.  Accordingly 
Will  Way  suggested  the  day  after  to-morrow  as 
an  appropriate  time  for  such  an  auspicious  oc- 
casion, and  the  Deacon  consented,  and  Mrs. 
Amory  agreed,  and  Prelusha  didn't  object. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

NOT   GUILTY — BUT   IT  MUST   NOT   BE   KEPEATED. 

The  day  after  to-morrow  came  about  within 
the  usual  space  of  time,  and  the  wedding  guests 
assembled  to  see  fair  play,  and  to  eat  what  was 
set  before  them,  if  so  it  might  be.  There  were 
her  folks  and  his  folks,  her  folks'  relatives  and 
the  relations  of  his  folks ;  all  the  neighbors,  both 
male  and  female,  including  T.  Jones  and  Parson 
Wilks.  Besides  all  these  people,  I,  also,  was 
present. 

Prelusha  and  William  stepped  to  the  front, 
and  amid  the  applause  of  the  assembly  Parson 
Wilks  tied  them  together  with  unexampled  brev- 
ity. He  was  less  than  half  an  hour  about  it, 
which  was  shortening  up  the  time  considerably 


MY   NOVEL.  295 

for  him,  for  he  generally  takes  advantage  of 
snch  occasions  to  deliver  a  long  address,  or  read 
an  interminable  sermon. 

As  soon  as  the  customary  kissing  had  been 
concluded,  the  Deacon  winked  at  his  new  son-in 
law,  who  proceeded  with  somewhat  unnecessary 
display  to  drag  forth  his  bond  and  present  it 
to  Prelusha,  who  blushingly  grabbed  it. 

The  Deacon's  eyes  sparkled. 

"  Wait  a  moment,"  said  he  ;  "  perhaps  I  can  do 
as  well  by  you,  my  daughter,  as  your  husband 
has  done : "  and  with  that,  he  skipped  as  play- 
fully from  the  room  as  any  lively  old  gentleman 
of  sixty-five  could  possibly  be  expected  to  do. 

About  three  minutes  thereafter  the  lively  old 
gentleman  dashed  into  the  room  with  fire  in  his 
eye,  horror  in  his  face,  and  a  stocking  bag  in  his 
hand,  and  began  a  series  of  capers  hardly  com- 
patible with  true  dignity. 

The  time  seemed  to  have  arrived  for  a  general 
and  thorough  explanation.  So  Mrs.  Amory  told 
the  whole  story,  confessing  her  sin  ;  Tommy 
Jones  and  myself  acknowledged  ourselves  the 
designers  of  the  justifiable  fraud  ;  and  the  bride 
and  groom  intimated  that  they  were  not  entirely 
innocent  of  the  transgression. 


296  MY   NOVEL. 

So  the  Deacon,  unable  to  alter  the  state  of 
affairs,  gracefully  yielded  to  the  situation,  kissed 
his  son-in-law,  shook  hands  with  his  daughter, 
and  invited  the  entire  company  to  follow  him  in- 
to the  dining-room,  which  they  did. 

As  this  is  the  place  where  novels  generally 
finish,  I  take  the  opportunity  of  desisting. 

K.  S.  Tkueman. 


THE   END. 


1875 


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SO 
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50 
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so 
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50 


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Women  and  Theatres.— A  bright  and  readable  book  by  Olive    Logan 

Souvenirs  of  Travel.— By  Madame  Octavia  Walton  Le  Vert ." . 


-A  spicy  little  work  by  Fred  Saunders i 


50 
50 
00 

50 


Woman,  Love  and  Marriage 

Shiftless  Folks.— A  brilliant  new  novel  by  Fannie  Smith ....]!!!y. ^  i  75 

A  Woman  in  Armor.— A  jiowerful  new  novel  by  Mary  Hartwell ".!!!.'!!!"!!  i 

Female  Beauty  and  the  Art  of  Pleasing.— From  the  Fiench '.'.'.'.'.....'.'  i 


50 
50 


Transformation  Scenes  in  the  United  btates.— By  Hiram  Fuller. i  50 

The  Fall  of  Man.— A  Darwinian  satire.     By  author  "Nevv  Gospel  Peace."! !!!! '.i        50 


50 

25 


The  Chronicles  of  Gotham.— A  modern  satire.         Do.  Do. 

The  Story  of  a  Summer.— Journal  Leaves  by  Cecelia  Cleveland i   co 

Phemie  Frost's  Experiences.- ]5y  Mrs.  Ann  S.  Stephens ..."    i  75 


fySiscella 

A   Charming  \Vidow. — Macquoid..? 
True  to  Him  Ever.— By  F.  W.  R. . 
The  Forgiving  Kiss.— By  M.  Loth. 

Loyal  Unto  Death   

Bessie   Wilmerton. — Westcott 

Cachet.— Mrs,  M.  J.  R.  Hamilton... 
Mark  Gildersleeve.— J.  S.  Sauzade. 

Crown  Jewels.— .Mrs.  "Moffat 

Avery  Glibun.-  Orpheus  C.  Kerr... 
The  Cloven  Foot.—        Do 

Romance  of  Railroad. — .Smith 

Fairfax.— John  Estcn  Cooke 

Hilt  to  Hilt—      Do 

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Hammer  and  Rapier. —     

Kenneth,  My  King.— S.  A.  I'.rock.  . 
Heart  Hungry.-M.  J.  Westmoreland 
Clifford  Troupe.—  Do. 


neous  Piovels. 

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Maurice.— From  the  PVench 

Purple  and  Fine  Linen. — Fawcett. 

Faustina. — From  the  German 

Adrift  with  a  Ve-^geance 

Adrift  in  Dixie.— Edmund  Kirke.. 
Ainong  the  Guerillas.—     Do. 
Among  the  Pines.—  Do. 

My  Southern  Friendb. —  Do. 
Down  in  Tennessee. —       Do. 
Ebon  and  Gold.— C.  L.  Mcllvain.. 
Robert  Greathouse.— J.  F.  Swift. 
V/arwick.— By  M.  T.  Walworth.. 


Lulu. — 
Hotspur. — 
Stormcliff. — 
Delaplaine.- 
Beverly.— 


Do. 
Do. 
Do. 
Do. 
Do. 


•Si  75 
.  I  50 

75 
50 
50 
50 
50 
50 
50 
50 
50 
00 

75 
75 
75 


'  /J 
I  75 
I  75 


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00 
50 
50 
50 
50 


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Beauty  is  Power i  50 

Sandwiches.— Artemus  Ward 25  cts. 

j  Widow  Spriggins. — Widow  Hedott     i  75 
Squibob  Papers.— John  Phoenix....   i  50 


fi  S« 


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Bill  Arp's  Peace  Papers.— Full  of  comic  illustrations 

A  Book  of  Epitaphs. — Amusing,  quaint,  and  curious      (New.) "i  50 

Ballad  of  Lord  Bateman.— With  illustrations  by  Cruikshank  (paper) 15  cts. 

The  Yachtman's  P.-im'-r.-For  amateur  sailors.     T.  R.  Warren  (paper) sects 

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What  I  Know  of  Farming.— By  Horace  Greeley ,50, 

Twelve  Views  of  Heaven.— l!v  Twelve  Distinguished  English  Divines...   ....'.      1  50 

Houses  Not  Made  With  Hands.— A  juvenile,  illustrated  by  Hoppin x  00 

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